Sometimes I still feel like I'm suffocating - but it's getting better 😊

[desert_rose]

Hi everyone,

I was talking to a friend last weekend and found myself saying that severe discomfort with the status quo forces you to make a change, which no sane person would do when you have smooth sailing waters and comfortable, familiar surroundings.

Change is very tough, and we only choose it when it really is not a choice at all. But tough as it is, it brings growth, and facing a challenge head on (once you decide to do it) is a very good thing for anyone.

I was surprised to hear myself saying that. I was talking about a really unfair situation I’ve been dealt at work. It just clicked that I was no longer willing to put up with the way things were going, so I decided to take steps to make a big change - find a new job.

It applies also to drinking for me: when I found myself sobbing uncontrolably in the middle of the night after a 3-day relapse binge, with a full on panic attack, cramps in my hands and legs, shaking violently, heart palpitations and the dread that I would not wake up to kiss my kids in the morning, change was non-negotiable.

I’m on day 82 and really grateful to every day AF. I have a clear mind, healthier body, and am fully present for my husband and kids. Bad days and situations happen, of course. But as someone put it before. a bad day sober is a great day comparing to ANY day drunk.

Yet.

Yet I find myself sometimes with a squeeze im my chest, the idea that I can’t have a drink ever again is suffocating. I’m using all tools I have: read the forum, go for a walk, pet the dog, hug my kids (they are away for 2 weeks now, which doesn’t help), watch Netflix, listen to music, call my family, write down in a journal, listen to books on tape on recovery…I still sometimes want to cry. I think, deep down, I brought this predicament on myself. If only I had moderated, I wouldn’t have cornered myself into an addiction that was slowly killing me. Clearly killing me. I feel like I’m suffocating because I wish I had known when I was younger that I needed to be careful. I wish I had not done this to myself. It all also scares me because I have a young teenage boy, to whom I hope with all I have, this will never, ever happen.

Sigh.

I just really needed to vent and know if anyone ever felt this way and how you coped with this awful, choking feeling.

love to you all

[Butterflymoonwoman]

I absolutely do feel this way sometimes. I am at 129 days clean. I actually remember the moment that I became an addict (16 years old) and I saw my life literally spiraling out of control for 22 years. I am very happy with my life today and I LOVE being clean and sober but I do have my moments where I get scared to think that I can never drink or drug again.
First off, in my opinion, this is me thinking too far ahead into the future. I do have fear bcuz I fear that I can’t live clean and deal with intense emotion or stress without drugs. I have to regroup and focus on today. Only 24 hours that’s it.
Second of all, we are stronger than we think! U have 82 days which is amazing!!! We have shown ourselves that we CAN live clean and sober and that the possibilities are endless! Do I wish that I could drink or drug like a normal person? At first I did. But once recovery started opening up to me and I started seeing some real change, I don’t wish this anymore. I am grateful for being an addict (which is very strange to say)… bcuz if it wasnt for me being an addict I would not have the connection to my HP that I have today. I wouldn’t be as compassionate or undertsanding as I am today. My life wouldn’t have opened up and blossomed the way it has. The things I’ve learned about myself and about life are have been endless. I mean idk… but my life was horrible at 15 and by 16 I was hooked on drugs. So Idk what my life would’ve looked like without drugs. But I love who I am today being a recovering addict and all.
I think it’s normal for addicts and alcoholics to feel that pull every so often to our DOC. When I hear myself “missing” drugs or wishing I could moderate… to me that is my addict talking, trying to convince me that I’m missing out on something. Ya (and reality hits)… im missing out on no sleep, being hungry, having no money, being phsyically, mentally, and emotionally unwell, etc etc. So im missing out on not having to deal with all the crap that drugs and alcohol cause me, which is totally fine by me lol. I think what ur going thru is normal. I have felt this for sure. But we need to just bring ourselves back into the present moment and remind ourselves of 24 hours at a time and the reasons why we quit

[desert_rose]

@Butterflymoonwoman

Do I wish that I could drink or drug like a normal person?

I think I still do. I’m really working hard at listening to literature and podcasts that deconstruct what alcohol really is…but I’m still, deep down, wishing things were different. Working on acceptance of what IS instead of wishing things to be different is not easy, but I’m working on it. This forum helps.

Thank you so much for your response and for sharing your experience. I’ve read numerous posts you have, and you have helped me along the path of those 82 days (and counting )

[Butterflymoonwoman]

You seem to be doing a great job honestly. The fact that ur talking about it and not letting it sit inside ur heads is good! We didn’t being addicts and alcoholics in 1 day so it will take time for us to re-wire our brains. Ur doing amazing! And I truly feel like ur on the right track

[desert_rose]

Thank you, Dana

I ended up calling a close friend yesterday to vent some work frustrations, but he is one of my former “enablers”, a heavy drinker and as soon as we start chatting he pours himself a drink and says “bottoms up!”

I haven’t shared with anyone that I’ve quit drinking altogether, except dor my husband. I wanted to say it to my friend, but stopped myself. Almost decided that maybe I shouldn’t talk to him for a while if I can’t share this important thing in my life: my desperate need to stay sober.

I continued the call, but went for a walk as we talked. when I came back home, I poured myself a diet 7-up and cranberry juice. It felt better. It was a refreshing substitute to the previous poison I used to have, and I went to bed and woke up feeling very good about it.

You are very right: I need to stop getting ahead of myself and focus on not drinking for just today.

Have a fantastic day and congrats on now 130 days!!!

[desert_rose]

PS: I just finished listening to the audiobook for “A Girl Walks out of a Bar” yesterday. Gave me hope.

[Cjp]

The thought of NEVER drinking again is scary and overwhelming so i choose to reframe my thinking and live in the now. Its more manageable. I choose not to drink today and i probably wont drink tomorrow. Take it one day at a time

[SassyBoomer]

@Butterflymoonwoman

I am grateful for being an addict (which is very strange to say)

This is a very powerful statement. We in recovery come to know ourselves to the core. All the beauty and the ugly. The imperfections. The hopes and dreams. We delve deep into our past to find understanding of why we became what we did. We come to a point of accepting ourselves. We grow in ways we never could fathom. I’m grateful for being an addict because recovery showed me who I really am. Normies never have that stimulus to really struggle to know themselves and in a way I really feel sorry for them.

I so love reading all your posts. You, my dear, are a breath of fresh air. I appreciate you.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

@SassyBoomer

I’m grateful for being an addict because recovery showed me who I really am.

Omg yes!!! This is it! U have put into words what I mean when I say that I am grateful for being an addict. This rings so true for me thank u for ur constant support my friend. I too love your posts and find them VERY inspiring! I am glad to be on this journey with u and many many others! Have a wonderful day!

[desert_rose]

@Cjp

I choose not to drink today and i probably wont drink tomorrow.

love this

Thank you, I think it might become my mantra

[desert_rose]

@SassyBoomer

We in recovery come to know ourselves to the core. All the beauty and the ugly.

Thank you for your insight Love, love your posts At day 83, I’m only starting to scratch the surface…much more questions than answers…lots of raw emotion surfacing here and there. I’m just grateful I have a clear head and a calmer heart to handle all this. And grateful for the support of this group.

I look forward to this much needed journey of self-discovery and acceptance

[desert_rose]

On day 1, this milestone seemed so far away…going for small goals still, though. The next 24 hours. 100 days.

4 months seems a long time away, but if I break it into small steps, it won’t seem as daunting (I hope)

[Mursaul]

I also have those days too the what ifs the possibilities of me drinking again, and being like everyone else having a couple of drinks, and going home etc but I step back and say to myself this is my mind playing tricks on me for some people like me we can’t drink every again of course I’ve tried all the tricks on trying to control my drinking, but eventually the drink was controlling me, and my life in all spheres was out of control I like my sobriety, and where I’m going.

Much love remember you are doing it for the those kiddos, and the memories you are making with them.

[desert_rose]

Thank you

@Mursaul

remember you are doing it for the those kiddos, and the memories you are making with them.

You are absolutely right.

My oldest is 13 now, and no matter how much I was able to hide my behaviour from him before and shelter him, this is no longer an option. I want him to look up to me, and I want more than anything to be the role model he deserves. My youngest is my Teddy Bear and I don’t want to see concern for my well being in his eyes ever again when he hugs me and says “I love you, mommy”

For my kids, for my hubby, family, friends, co-workers, and for myself…going for another day AF. ODAAT.

[Humbriety]

@desert_rose

82 days…thats what’s up!

I imagine every addict (past, present & future) has/will had The Thought(s); you’re NOT alone!

Feed your positives and starve the negatives.

Guess what…you just hit 83…

[desert_rose]

@Humbriety

you just hit 83…

Thank you 93 days today and counting!

Sitting with a book and a soda water in the sunshine as I watch my boys laugh and play in the pool. Could not have asked for a better 4th of July!

[Ker16]

I can relate to your post! I have only just decided to try and get sober. Today is Day 2 and it’s sounds ridiculous to say this aloud but alcohol is like my best friend. I use it to celebrate, commiserate, deal with anxiety which in turn makes it even worse. I’ve no idea if I will succeed but I’m going to give it a damn good try!! My deterrent is to think of being around for as long as I can for my children first & foremost and then to be healthier for myself. Drinking makes me feel like complete and utter shite but yet right now it’s all I can think of! I’m also like you in that I wished I realised how bad of an addiction it can be You are doing so well and will continue to do so. I guess it comes down to wanting it enough? I’m new so this maybe a very naive way of thinking… lots of love and soberness for the future!

[LAB]

Good venting!!

What if we flip the ideas that are causing the feeling of suffocation? Instead of feeling like we are suffocating because we might never drink again, can we find a way to celebrate that we are never going to struggle with the negative outcomes of drinking ever again because we don’t drink anymore?

I’m never going to have to worry about waking up with a hangover!

I’m never going to embarrass myself with friends and family again because I am intoxicated!

I’m never going to have to go to work feeling like crap because I drank too much!

I’m never going to worry that I’m ruining my health by drinking too much!

I’m never going to be in physical danger because I’m drunk in a public place!

I’m never going to drink and drive again because I don’t drink!

Making the decision to become a non-drinker has been the most liberating experience of my life. I ended a toxic relationship and I’m relieved to be free.

I hope this idea helps you.

[desert_rose]

Love the idea - thank you, it will go to my toolbox.

I’m about to leave on a 2 week family vacation that needs to go right and not derail all the effort I’ve put in the past 3 months. This really helps.

[desert_rose]

@Ker16

I guess it comes down to wanting it enough?

Yes, I really think it does.

I’ve been trying to cut back, stop during the week, stop for a month, skip a weekend or two or three, or whatever means of “controlling how much I drink” for the past 2.5 years.

But I realized that every time I think “I got it under control”, it’s very easy to have a full on binge when I mean to have 1 or 2, miss out on happy times with my loved ones, and damage my health consistently.

I realized I can’t do this anymore. “Cut back” or “moderate” has not worked for me for the past 2.5 years. Sober day 93 now, on my way to 100…one day at a time. I’m astounded I’m here. Proud and happy.

Thank you so much for your kind words…and wish you a great journey into sobriety too, dear. It’s not easy, but it really is worth it for you and your family. Trust me