All of this resentment used to come out when i was drinking…we even got violent with each other on occasion (more me) which im not proud of but u see now that was all me being a terrible person in drink and i was to be honest but i would still tell her all the same things now that im sober, the truth of the matter still remains.
Much love to you too 
Same. I had resentments and me and my mother used to violently clash…drink was the petrol to the flames.
My mom is an alcoholic so I have/could never see her sober. Even when we have been ‘making up’ on pretty safe and early pre noon visits, she would pour a drink and try to push me to do so as well. It’s like she can’t even be around me without drinking. She can’t cope with reality without her enablers. She can’t face life.
You are doing so much work on you, be proud.
Im already starting to feel better just for venting this out…it really does help to share my emotions with you guys, thank you for listening and for your advice, im sorry youve had mother crap to deal with too…
Here it is, right here. In the midst of suffering, your wisdom mind shines through! I’m sending you hugs, friend. 
Truly a gem, thanks! As a recovering codependent, I really appreciate this.
Thank you Patricia…sometimes its hard to know what you can actually bear though and how to draw the line, im honestly sick of being hurt and for what? Because i wanted my mother to prioritise me? Its just sad really.
Sending you love
I think this is the most important thing to figure out, exactly where you draw that line. How far you go before you can’t go anymore.
What are the alternatives…well my coping mechanisms pre-estrangement were:
Hugely low self esteem and no self worth
Anxiety
Alcoholism
Suicidal thoughts
Now I am doing my best without the toxic booze AND the toxic family. I’m lonely, but not enough to go back.
The hurt has always been there and to be fair ive managed to get sober and work on myself enough to come out of the alcoholism and self loathing…i no longer believe im a terrible person, im doing everything in my control to make a difference in my life, myself and in myself as a mother so that my daughter never has to feel the way i did but i cannot control my mother…i think other than estrangement is to keep as much distance as possible and try to begin some kind of acceptance that my mother will never change and will never validate my feelings by admitting any fault watsoever
Just for another perspective. Not saying this applies to anything or anyone’s experience, but this just had me thinking about my own.
When my mom died, we had been estranged for several years. she lived in a different state, so there wasn’t any real connection besides phone talks on occasion, and a family get together every couple years. When her second husband died and she wasn’t able to live on her own, my sibs and I used to joke about who would “get stuck” with her. None of us wanted to deal with her, she had become so toxic. She ended up in assisted living in the same area my little brother and older sister lived. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I remember my last phone conversation with her a couple months before she died. It ended in an argument, with me pressing her about seeing how negative she was and how she had alienated everyone and that was why she was so alone and without friends. I’ll never know if she really got it. She was upset and sad and lonely, but did she ever really understand how she had gotten herself into that situation? And maybe more to the point, after a lifetime of this , could she have ever really changed?
Fast forward to now, and I see my older sis doing exactly the thing as my mom did. Negative, self centered, alienated all her sibs, has no friends really. Divorced her husband when their only child was about 8 years old, and that daughter is now a mom with three kids, and an on again, off again marriage. They love each other, my sis and my niece, but it’s an unhealthy relationship.
They push each others buttons, but they can’t seem to help themselves. They need each other, but then they drive each other crazy.
I think about the dynamic a lot, what pain did my mother and my sister endure that caused them to put up such fortresses? My sister wears a suit of armor that nobody can penetrate. Is it because she is afraid of getting hurt? They say the best defense is offense . I just wonder.
They say anger is a second emotion to something else …sadness, guilt, rejection, scared, frustration, etc. Its ok to be angry. Feel…hell, emotions hurt… just do not live in them! I like to use the metaphor and ask what the feeling(s) are under the anger. I’ll ask them to visualize a tissue box and to imagine pulling out tissues - if the first one out is anger, what is the next one? I just keep asking “and” until they get below the anger to the other feelings that are a bit more scary. Realize you must keep yourself strong and hopeful and do not become defeated, dont give your mother that power… you cant control her or change her. You can forgive her (idk-accept possibly generations of this behavior) Be the change, Be creative in your strategies, allow space, keep your energy strong, and never let her or your child know how victimized you feel. Set boundaries.
We keep learning & changing throughout good and bad experiences, thus slowly evolving into slightly better versions of ourselves—hopefully with more clarity, honesty, and integrity.
Thank you Shanon i love the tissue box idea…i will think on this some more…i think under the anger is frustration and a feeling of confusion if my feelings are actually valid in the face of someone not aknowleding theyve done anything wrong and because i dont understand why…usually once i can understand something then im good but with this im just left wondering…
Welcome to this amazing site and for your kind and helpful words…glad your here with us
Have you ever confronted her about all of this? If it’s causing you as much internal grief as you say maybe it’s time to either let your feelings be known or lessen your contact with her. Your own sanity is not worth her approval of you.
Yes, many times ive told her how i feel…she either storms away from me or gaslights me that i must be going mad and that its all in my head