Sorry for the unfocused rambling, but

Emotional Support
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i’ve got a lot i want to talk about and can only type with one hand. Try to make a long story short.

After losing my apartment last summer, the 7th one in two years, i moved in with a sober couple. He has 14 years, she has six. Good place to be sober, but not a good place to live. They’re hoarders, and they have a significant bedbug problem. So after a couple months, i moved in with other friends. They still use, but their DOC (meth) isn’t the same as mine (alcohol), so temptation is rare. (full disclosure: i have used a few times). But i can drink when ever I want, and I have been lately. A lot.
Kevin and I get along most of the time, but he’s really surly when he’s out of dope and makes me feel like it’s somehow my fault. This shouldn’t bother me because he’s a guest here too and if Michal doesn’t have a problem with me, there’s no problem. but I’m a people pleaser and feel like i’m walking on eggshells when he’s around.

Then i got lucky. i was among the first to get the stimulus check. I paid some debts, gave Michal $100 for the “electric bill”. I know it’s going to the dope dealer but I haven’t contributed anything except food stamps since losing my job is November so i can’t complain. Anyway, the stimulus money is gone and i know i didn’t spend it all on alcohol.

I feel tense and anxious constantly, but i’d be crazy to leave a place where i live practically free. Also, I slipped on ice and cracked my shoulder a week ago, it’ll be a while before i can work since i can hardly move my left arm. Part of me wants to just grab my backpack and leave.

Just had to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading!

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That’s rough times.

I gotta ask though, if the motivation to stay is it’s free. How long is that true if it costs you your sobriety…?

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Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear what you’re going through that sounds intense and so difficult. Wishing you strength and support

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I’m totally picking up what you’re putting down. But it’s not so much choosing living free over being sober. It’s that I’ve got nowhere to go, and couldn’t pay rent even if I did. I do thank you for getting back to me.
:+1:

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There’s always a choice. Don’t think you are not choosing. I used to paint myself into corners then blame the paint for trapping me.

Not choosing is a choice. If sobriety is #1, all else comes second.

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Sorry your going through a rough time.
Is there any family who you could live with until your back on your feet?

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No. I have a brother who lives about 1,000 miles away but we haven’t spoken since 1998.

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That’s a sentiment I frequently hear in recovery circles. But in practical working reality, you’re talking about walking out of a stable, if unpleasant place, in the middle of winter, during a pandemic, with no destination and no means of support.

Strangely, I’m on the verge of doing exactly that. I’ve been wanting to take a cross-country adventure for a couple of years now. Maybe this is the time.