My mom is visiting from out of town, she’s been here since Thursday and leaves on Wednesday. It’s great to see her, just spending so much time with her and brother is a lot. They like to have very long discussions about the past which i find so draining. These discussions are like 4-5 hours long. They both get on my nerves and I don’t think I enjoy the time with them that much or maybe so much time. I don’t know. I’m just feeling so not good right now. I felt the same last night after spending an evening with them sitting and talking. Neither of them drink but both talk to each other about how concerned they are about my drinking so I don’t even bring it up to them anymore.
Can you ask them to change the discussion to something you can enjoy too? Tell them how it makes you feel to constantly talk about the past?
My mother would come to visit 2 weeks every year and I would dread it, knowing she’d get on my nerves after a few days. Now she’s gone and I wish I could have her here just one more time. It breaks my heart that I didn’t communicate the way I should have and now it’s too late.
Finding healthy boundaries and ways of communicating in a constructive way in my relationships has been a big thing for me over the last few years. This has involved trying to work out what I need, or don’t need, in my life but also trying to be more understanding of the needs of those around me. Where there is a mismatch, trying to apply patience and compassion to the situation and working out a constructive way of resolving it. Or trying to find some acceptance - this doesn’t mean rolling over and letting myself get treated badly, but more trying not to take it too personally and not get so bothered by it. Not always easy, and it has definitely been a process! Meditation has been something that has really helped me shift my mindset.
Not specific to the situation you mention, but it seems pretty common for there to be a period of adjustment in our relationships as we get sober. They had to deal with the fallout of our drinking (or whatever) on their lives and it takes them time to adjust to and understand the path we are on now.
When I have been able to let go of expectations (of myself and others) and keep my focus on doing the next right thing, that’s when things seem to fall in to place the most quickly and smoothly.
Hope you can find some enjoyment from your family while they are with you, and some peace through the hard parts!
That is a long time! If they have been going on too long, how about suggesting a walk or a board game? My step-dad, who is my bio-dad, likes to hash over how toxic my mum was, especially after a drink. I really want to just leave it, so I know how u feel.