I am just past a year sober, and it is the best decision I make every day. Drugs and alcohol caused me way more harm than good.
Here’s the thing: I don’t want my husband to drink, ever. I wish so badly he would choose sobriety. I don’t make shy my feelings about this. For the first 6 months I tried to be tolerant and not be a pain in the ass about it, but eventually I realized the nights someone drinks, there’s a fight. Eventually I told him I would never be supportive of alcohol consumption. After many many fights about this he finally doesn’t drink around me. However, if we are apart, he drinks enough to be plenty drunk. He gets this look in his eye like he is ‘finally happy’ and acts like everything is normal when we both know he is drunk.
The drinking bothers me because he can’t carry on a conversation. As soon as that switch is flipped in him to tipsy, there is a switch of disgust flipped in me.
I know I can’t control him and he’s a grown man that can make his own decisions. It just bothers me. I chose sobriety to better our family. It really irritates me that he won’t do the same.
Whem we started seeing each other we were both very drunk (in life) and we continued to party for years. That isn’t me anymore. It can’t be. It’s like he still doesn’t want to let it go. He’s just always waiting for his next chance to party where I won’t notice, but I always do.
This is a tough one. My husband still drinks around me, but he just has a couple of beers and calls er good most nights. When I nagged him about his drinking he seemed to drink more, and when I stopped telling him he shouldn’t or couldn’t he cut right back on his own. He sees how happy I am sober and I basically just do my own thing when he drinks. I mean, if his drinking is bad enough and you don’t feel like you can be with a non sober partner you may need to give him an ultimatum, or go your separate ways if you can’t come to an agreement. Have you tried marriage counseling?
My husband also still drinks and as time goes on I want him to make a choice to cut back or stop but I don’t see it happening. It is hard because we also drank a lot together in the past, but I want more for my daughters. I hope you find peace in your situation.
I too have the moment I know my husband has been drinking and the switch gets flipped. I’m sorry I don’t have advise, I’m just sorry you’re going through this
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one; thank you. This is another way I’m grateful for my own sobriety bc drunk me thought I could fight my way through it, but there’s nothing I can do so I just get away from him. Each time it takes longer for me to switch back to liking him again. How long does it take before you like your spouse again after he’s been drinking?
I haven’t tried marriage counseling. Although maybe I should bc I just find myself wanting to detach from him and obviously talking to him isn’t changing anything. I can talk him out of drinking when I’m around, but if he’s apart from me he is going to drink in excess.
I’ve tried just letting go and him drink as he wishes but everytime I do that he gets Obnoxious and I regret not discouraging him.
Idk… if his drinking is THAT extreme as you explained it… I honestly don’t see your marriage lasting very much longer, no offense… opposites may attract but don’t last long term… it will probably end terribly for you since hire trying to be sober. I mean you can attempt to find a happy balance… which ends in you being sober and wanting to drink (because face it, you’re an alcoholic) and him being shit faced drunk in front of you… even if you went to a meeting night and he went to a bar and you both got home at the same time, you’re gonna wanna get drunk af to match him… you know you have to surround yourself with sober people. You know you have to cut the drunks and drinkers out of your life to be better… you can’t truly be better and stay married u less he gets better too, or you’re both going to keep dragging each other down… it will even end up being that your sobriety is a trigger for him wanting to drink… and his drinking will ultimately he a trigger for you to drink… you both have to commit or it will fail or someone will end up in jail…
I have been sober 6 months. My husband just lies about drinking, or doesn’t tell me unless I ask. He said he would be sober with me and I guess he decided otherwise. He doesn’t drink at home anymore. My switch flipped a while ago and hasn’t gone back unfortunately. I love him but I don’t think I like him much. I hate saying that, but I am frustrated lately.
I’m sorry, I’m probably projecting. I have other issues with him besides sobriety. I need more involvement from him with our kids, in the tough parenting ways, not taking them to the park etc and he just doesn’t get it.
I just keep trying to start conversations, I guess that’s my best advice. Just keep bringing up your concerns and don’t shut down.
@Jucandoit oh I see I might not be the only poster projecting here… I’m a little jaded right now so take what I said above with a grain of salt. But I really have no idea where you’re at with your spouse and I think couples counseling would be worth a shot.
I hear that. I find my husband pretty irritating when he drinks. He gets antagonistic and just rude sometimes. I’m just wondering if it could be a safe space for you to explain how you feel and why In front of a professional so he sorta has to listen…flash back 10 years and our relationship was built on drinking and getting wasted on the regular, and now that I don’t drink we really had to work hard on our relationship and learning to enjoy other things together that doesn’t involve booze. It’s not easy but I am trying!
If I were in your situation I would think, well if he was sober 2 years ago, no way I would have stopped.
I look after my sobriety. Not any one else.
If I am sober I set an example to others.
I don’t tell another they have a problem. That is for them to decide.
Again and no I am not telling you what to do. Just how I would handle it. If I had a wife, husband drinking and I was sober, if it impacted on my sobriety I would think of moving…
.to me my sobriety comes first. No matter what.
I have dealt with the same thing for years. First with my husband and marijuana, which is very much illegal where we live. We were both big party goers when we first got together, and then we had kids. I grew up faster than he did on that front. He kept smoking and drinking and would smoke around the kids. This became a major point of contention because I didn’t want my kids growing up having the same addiction to weed with it being illegal especially. We both still drank on top of that, and then I started to have issues with drinking going on around the kids. He was a music promoter, so he had a lot of party friends that he would bring over around our kids doing all kinds of things other than drinking. I put my foot down and the partying around the kids mostly stopped, but we both still drank, just not as much around the kids. I am 19 days sober from alcohol, and I have found that him smoking and drinking just annoys me even more. I really want a healthier life for my kids. I think sometimes two people just grow up at different rates. He has followed my lead in some ways - he at least doesn’t smoke in front of the kids anymore, but he does sneak off and do it. My problem with him comes from his lack of support for me not wanting to drink. I told him last weekend I didn’t want to drink, and he came home with a bottle and box of my “favorite wine” and “favorite beer.” I felt disrespected… like he doesn’t want me to get sober because when I have in the past (while I was pregnant), I was a lot less tolerant of his drug and alcohol use. I would say go to counseling, that may help your situation. We had a lot more baggage, so marriage counseling never works for us because the counselors we have seen have all told us to get divorced lol… I guess you just have to keep doing what is best for you and keep it moving. We all grow as people, and sometimes that may cause us to also grow apart sadly.
A lil testosterone for you ladies. I put in 4 months sober, and had a pretty shitty 1st week of October healthwise. I have been bingeing on and off all month hiding it pretty well until Thursday. Got caught on it and caught in the lie of it. Going through the resentment phase again, as she serves me with an ultimatum to get better, but appears to have no interest in working on herself. Not sure where I was going with this sorry, brain still foggy on day 2.
Funny you say that. My wife told me to tone it down about 2 years ago. It made me hide it from her and i drank even more! Not really out of spite or anything. I felt like i needed tp catch a buzz while she didnt see so i could drink like “regular” around her. Then it got progressively worse. Drank more and more. She knew before i was willing to admit to myself i was an alcoholic.
Sorry to the O.P. congrats on your sobriety!! I wish i had some input to be helpful, but im coming up empty.
It’s hard to deal with catching some one in a lie. She could be working on trust internally that you aren’t aware of. It takes time to heal from deceit. She may seem cold, but could just be processing.
Actually nothing at all. She still has wine most nights. Maybe a glass. Doesn’t even finish it sometimes…crazy i know.
Im pretty sure she was over me telling her id quit, or slow down. We had a couple of talks about it over the years, and like I mentioned. I just got worse and hid it from her. So she didn’t trust me.
She was previously engaged to an alcoholic binge drinker. Many duis, jail stays, throwing up on the bedroom floor, pissing in the closet, etc, etc. I just passed out on the couch every night. Spilled beer at the worst.
She broke off the engagement. He refused to gwt help so she told me she had already gone through all that shit and had no patience for it with me. I understood that, but at the same time it kind of bothered me, since we actually got married and it wasnt a problem right away. Maybe 5 years in it kind of surfaced, or she got sick of it by then. I was actually looking for some more support. Even now, she hasnt even mentioned anything about me being sober for so long, or said shes proud, nothing. Maybe she doesnt want to jinx it.
Anyway, i thought it would probably help her to go to alanon or something just to have a better understanding of it, because she doesnt seem to.
Youre in a pretty different situation since you yourself decided to get sober and your significant other won’t, or cant. Whichever it is im not sure. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in.
My wife went through the “tone it down” phase too. Then it went to “I need you sober for ___”. There were no ultimatums except for “I need my husband”.
I didn’t hide me drinking. The only dishonesty was when I answered how much I had had. “Only two glasses of wine” except they weren’t wine glasses. They were water glasses. Two of them equaled a bottle.
She offered to make the house alcohol free. She’s a take it or leave it drinker. I said no need. If I’m going to drink, not having it in the house would just make me go someplace. If I’m going to quit, having it in the house won’t make me drink it.
I can’t change the world or anyone in it. Victory or defeat lies within me.
I have never been to Al-Anon, but I hear it helps. Just a suggestion. Or perhaps counseling on your own if he won’t go with you. You’ve got options, you don’t have to live like this if you don’t want to.
