I have used cocaine on occasion through my late teens as a party drug. However, my use of the drug has gotten out of control and I often find myself desperate for another bag at the end of the night. On more than one occasion I have gone behind friends backs and ordered drugs or gotten up out of bed beside my boyfriend to keep partying. I find it impossible to call it a day. It’s always a hunger for more, which has led to me putting myself in unsafe and risky situations. I have gone on two day parties twice now and I’m lucky to have gotten away with overdose. I always find someone to lead astray. I’ve told my boyfriend so many lies and not come home after nights out. I try make myself feel better about it by reminding myself that I do it sporadically and go can go months without but I know that doesn’t mean I don’t have a problem. I always seem to end up having no control and not being able to say no and then ending up the last person at the party. I’ve even gone to random parties on my own just so I can do drugs. I wake up the next day, if I sleep at all, and am completely distraught with myself for doing it when I’ve been so dead set on not doing it. I’ve recently started going back to counselling but I find it hard to truly open up about because I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. A lot of my family suffer from addiction and I feel like I’m on better than any of them now. If anyone has any thoughts or advise…
more of an isolating type myself, but i can certainly relate to the feeling of being desperate for another bag and having a hunger for more. i had done a bit of counseling too and felt unable to open up due to shame/embarrassment as well. the problem was i knew drugs/alcohol were playing a huge part in all of the bullshit going on with me, but i wasn’t ready to be “done”. the idea of being sober sounded good, but i knew it wouldn’t stick for me as i just wasn’t willing to give them up. so i never talked about my use as an issue. many years later all i wanted in the world was to be free of that shit so i ended up getting involved in a recovery program. no need to feel embarrassed talking with other folks in the program everyone has done some rotten shit there haha. perhaps check an NA meeting out? best to you
Sharing what you have so far is amazing.
I can’t advise from experience as too early in my journey but your post seems like a really important step. One which you have made.
Good to hear you are at counselling as understanding the ‘why’ behind your choices sounds like a good move. What about writing down what you wish you could say first, to help you begin to open up? Or practice saying what you need to in the mirror?
It sounds like you know you have to stop.
Today is a good a day to stop.
Take care.