So i have not been on in a while I messed up and I gave in i been on a rocky on and off relationship with meth again for the last year i decided to go cold turkey off the needle 8/13/21 since then i had though i was doing good till my cousin called asking for help and apparently she is a trigger and a enabler for me cause i seen her a week ago after not speaking for a while and automatically asked her for a small bit cause i knew she had it.well i went to put it in my pocket and dropped it on ground and lost it the next day i got more after having some problems at home and decided yesterday to use some today i finished what she gave me and feel like shit i know ultimately i need to let my partner know i screwed up and lapsed but i am scared cause i know its gonna be hell in my house when i tell him and I cant deal with another emotional episode of him blowing up at me again and calling me lazy worthless junkie whores anymore everytime he gets set off when i do something stupid or life changing. I do really want to be able to stay clean but i really dont have a healthy support system to not keep going back.dont get me wrong my partner supports my sobriety 100% and is a recovering addict as well and we decided to get clean together so we could fix the trauma and the toxicity in our relationship and mend the broken bridge back to each other that was broke while we were using and while he was locked up for 13 months cause i did not stay loyal to him please guys send some advice my way so i can have help to sort out me and my demons so i can finally stop hurting the people who love me and ultimately stop hurting myself😭
It’s ok your HP is doing for you what you cannot do for yourself. Your still alive and your not giving up. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of relapse. Reach out and ask for help n don’t give before the miracle happens if nobody told you I love you n I know all on this board loved you.
Honesty to talk about it is a great step. I am in the same position as well with my struggles
Hi Jessica @Jcrigger19, I’m sorry to read you are so distressed. Calm down girl, you’ve been given another chance. Hope is not lost for you! I can promise you that!
Now, try and separate the fear of your partner’s reaction from the guilt about your relapse. They are not the same. And as important as it is in our recovery to be honest with ppl and stop lying to others and ourselves, to live in fear of abuse is not productive nor do you deserve to be so insulted by your partner. In order to remain clean, build a healthy support network and remove yourself from your partner when he flies of the handle. Face your doings in the past and if you cheated on him, surely some soul searching is on order and making living amends (=being a better person towards another, to outgrow your mistakes in the past). But being abused and insulted will undermine you and is not good for you stability and sobriety.
I seems obvs to me you want to quit and you had some great success already in the past! You weren’t prepared for the triggers life throws at you. You need a plan, a program. What do you do on a daily basis to work on your sobriety? Whatever it is, you need to up your game. They say, put the same amount of energy into your recovery as you did into your using and you’ll be successful. I agree with that, that’s what I did.
If I were you, I’d seek help in NA. Face to face in your town. Online meetings are at intherooms.com or via the NA website. Become engaged there, reach out to other members and find a sponsor.
Get active on this forum, post often, there’s is a very active daily check in thread. Use the 
up top to search for meth and other relevant key words. There are wonderful people on here, some with the same DOC as you. 
We all have something in common. And it’s very uplifting for me to feel this!
Lastly, look after yourself. Do you have a daily routine that benefits your mental and physical health? Get started on that or improve what you have in place. It’s very important to treat yourself respectfully and well. You deserve it. And you deserve a clean, stable, good life.
I’m glad you are here. Now get started on your new clean life and self, Jessica! Keep us posted! 
I relate to your relationship troubles with a sober person. my sober ex boyfriend broke up with me last week after my third relapse that occured in our relationship.
Hang in there and keep checking in.
It’s not gonna be easy but we all started where you are. Have faith and hope 