Starting over…
Two days ago, I relapsed again.
The first time I tried to get clean, it was before a weekend trip to New York City with one of my “best friends.” I realized that my addiction had taken over my life when I started going to the bathroom at work and doing lines just to keep my sanity. The morning before we started our trip, I flushed all my drugs and got on that bus the next day thinking I was truly done, but while we were there, we had an argument, and she left me completely alone in the city. I knew no one, and she went to stay with her friend and never spoke to me again. I relapsed and overdosed in my hotel room alone.
This time, the man I planned to marry in a month when he came back home from leave (he’s in the army, stationed far from home, and was the only reason I was getting clean) changed his behavior toward me completely, stopped putting forth effort, and began ignoring me for days on end. I felt abandoned and my urges to use came back, so I reached out to my friends for help, but no one seemed to care. One said that I was a downer, that I was dumb for craving the high, that I had a problem; another said something along the lines of, “I’m just trying to be happy and no one is on the same page; everyone is dragging me down.”
After hearing that, I just wanted to go home and forget about all the hurt I was feeling. I relapsed again after less than a week and continued to use for days.
But here I am again, trying to get back on track. Wish me luck. I need all the help I can get.
It sounds like you need new friends. Im in a similar situation, Im finding that some of my friends are crippling to my recovery. A true friend should not ignore you reaching out for help or put you down for it. People who cant empathize or make themselves available to you because of the negativity youre drowning in “drags them down”, they are not true friends. If they cant put in effort to help you in your time of crisis, well then im sorry to say that they dont belong in your life.
As for your fiance, sometimes coming back to a relationship after being away is difficult. You dont know exactly how to act or whats changed. Does he know about your use? You should be honest with him and have a conversation about what is going on, not only with you and relapsing, but also with your relationship.
And lastly, if youre feeling abandoned and alone, come on here. We’re all here for the same cause, we understand and we’re all rooting for eachother to win over our demons. Ive gotten some great feedback and support from people here, i hope you do too. Good luck!
I will say the first couple days off its probably best not to be around people. I work with two frequent cocaine users. When they dont have it the next day i can tell. They are very irritable and/or not very motivated. If they are not users or addicts themself they dont understand the high we chase or how it makes us feel. After we use we always get that blue cloud of shame and guilt but dont let it get the best of you. What is your plan from here on out? Get rid of users, delete/block or tell your dealer your going to rehab.
Ow my God, I felt apart reading this because I know exactly how you feel.
My two best friends had lunch with me last Friday and I knew it was about this… Guess what? I got high to get there because I can’t do any shit whitout it. I got so far in my job but I feel so empty all the time… They want to help me for now but I know I’ll let them down because all I want is die. I’m trying everyday to die instead of get clean
In about 4 hours, I will be walking into one. I’d like to say I’m still in good spirits today, but I know I’m going to use before the meeting and show up totally out of it or not show up at all. It’s just how I am and I can’t stop.
I know what you mean. I’m sorry that anyone else is experiencing this. Please message me if you need to.
@clearmindbodysoul the fact that you are here, confiding in other addicts, speaks volumes. It tells me that you know you must quit. It tells me there is still strength inside you, to fight and survive. That’s your old strength, the one that’s been in you since you were young. Do not betray that part of yourself by using today. Do not betray your potential. There is so much good in you. So much you can share with the world. Today is the day you start protecting THAT version of you. You don’t need the drug anymore. You’ve merely tricked your body into thinking IT needs the drug. Now we need to teach it that it doesn’t need them anymore.
Just for today, stop yourself from using.
I am sorry you are feeling this way today. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep using but in the long run it is so painful. The quilt, the resentment, not feeling like you deserve a good life. But you know what? We all deserve a happy life. But it will not be handed to you. You have to work for it but there is so much help out there. Your dr AA/NA meetings, smart meetings, therapist. In patient out patient. Detox. You just have to pick one or 2 and stick to it. Please keep coming back. You do deserve a good life and you can have one.
I’m on day zero. I cNt stop drinking. My kids know. Please help
Hey.
How’s it going?
I relasped too. And i didnt even have the illusion of enjoyment. But i carried on till the carton was gone. Why why why
@Oliviarose & @Pepsi
It’s O. K.
First off, forgive yourselves, right this instant.
You are IN THE PROCESS of getting sober.
That means you’re still in the throws of addiction.
I don’t know anyone who just suddenly decided to be sober and POOF they were magically sober.
This takes time and, for most, it requires a little strategy.
I made it to the meeting last night; still going strong… 
️ thanks for checking in
Were you able to go to the meeting without using or did you need a little just to get through it?
I did use before the meeting. But just to calm my anxiety, not to get totally messed up. I was still able to function, just in a calmer state. But I’ll tell you one thing! I told my fiancé that if the meeting didn’t change my perspective… that I was going to go right back home and use again. And I didn’t. 
️:nail_care:t4:
I respect your honesty.
Congratulations on stopping yourself from using beyond the meeting. Before long, the meetings will be no big deal. You’ll actually look forward to them.
Please don’t give up.
You’re on the right path.
Thank you. I went to 3 meetings today. I’m in a better state. The guilt and shame is crippling.
Wow, 3 meetings?!
That’s very impressive. You’re making a beautiful choice. It’s inspiring and encouraging, to my sobriety, when I read about someone taking action like that.
I too am carrying a lot of guilt and, yes, it is crippling at times.
Let’s just keep checking in and supporting each other.
I don’t know how else to do this.
It’ll work if we work it.
@MrCade thank you! I’ll be going to a meeting tonight. I’m so desperate for peace and change in my life. I agree that checking in here helps tremendously. The thought that I’m not alone in my struggle is what is getting me through these 2 days.
@Oliviarose - you definitely are not alone. All of us here have struggled, and so many of us also have felt the weight of guilt and shame. Dealing with those feelings and being able to start letting go of them will come in time. For now, you are doing exactly what you should be. You are going to meetings, checking in here, keeping yourself accountable, and taking your sobriety day by day. You don’t ever have to live that old life again - nor do you ever have to do this alone.️