After almost two months of full sobriety, I started having the occasional drink again. Then I had a two week vacation during which I was going to tackle one of my biggest fears (I have anxiety/agoraphobia, so I have many fears). So having a few drinks is completely forgivable during a time like this. Right?
… Except that I didn’t end up facing my fear. And two weeks have passed since then. And Its not almost 2:00 am and I’m hungover from drinking too much earlier at a random family event.
Meanwhile, I know that my partner is anxious about work stuff tomorrow, and I totally bailed on him this evening by putting myself first by drinking too much and passing out on the couch at 8:00 pm.
I’m trying not to hate myself right now. The only thing that would make me feel better is if I had some kind of guarantee that I’d never drink again. It would be nice if I could also give up the chain-smoking (cigarettes) that started right around the time I quit drinking. Its disgusting.
When I started drinking again, I noticed immediately that I hadn’t been missing out on that much - it didn’t taste as good as I remember, and I didn’t like that buzzy/checked-out/faded feeling I got from even one drink. Yet here I am, feeling like I’ve stumbled back into the addiction realm.
I’m feeling kind of hopeless. I hate uncertainty. I wish there was a way I could just magically and effortlessly be the person I want to be.
Anyway… I know I’m not the only person here writing posts like this. I’ll go check out what others have written and offer some support.
Thanks.
