I’ve been down this road many times, and I’m open to the idea that the 12 step program will help me in my recovery, but I’ve never been able to get past step 1.
I am so stubborn and try to do everything by myself. I’m what you would call a “highly functioning alcoholic” if there is such a thing. My life isn’t unmanageable (I’m married with two kids, we own our house, have great jobs, house is clean, I have 4 pets that are well taken care of etc) somehow I’m juggling all of that while drinking. I’ve just gotten really good at feeling like crap and getting my stuff done. I don’t ever get hangovers, I can stop drinking for weeks at a time without much trouble… so of course I’ve convinced myself that I’m not powerless over alcohol, I choose to drink. I’m in control, I’m not weak and my life really isn’t that unmanageable.
That being said, I know I’m an alcoholic and I need to stay sober. So I’m very torn and stuck on step 1.
How the heck am I supposed to work the steps if I can’t even make it past step 1? I know this is why I’ve failed so many times in the past. Any suggestions or insight would be great. This is making me so angry!! I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure because I can’t get past this first step. Sorry a bit of a rant, had to get it out
Don’t be sorry hun, this is the place to get it out. I understand not wanting to go the whole “i am powerless” routine; that’s one of the reasons I’m not going the AA route with my recovery. I need to feel powerFUL. And it’s my own fierce strength that keeps me from drinking.
I have all the things you just mentioned. Home, kids, wife, job ext. on the outside I would have looked very happy. But on the inside I felt all alone. So I drank to escape. Then when I tried to quit, I couldn’t. What a loser I am. That was what I thought of myself. A failure.
So all of the self doubt and shame is what made my life unmanagable. I was powerless because I couldn’t stop drinking. I would have all the power for a day or 2. But as soon as I took that first drink, I was powerless again.
So I guess ask yourself if you want to quit and you don’t, where is the power in that? If you want to quit and fail to, how is that manageable?
I drank and used for many years as a successful attorney before it all caught up with me. You can wait for the crash or you can keep doing recovery. For the steps you need a sponsor. There’s only one wrong way to work the steps, and that’s alone.
My life is put together as well. My addiction affects me spiritually and emotionally. It hurts my wife emotionally. Since it affects my emotional self, my family and friends are affected. It may be subtle, but isn’t that how we got into these addictions? Subtly? I know I need to stop for my well being as well as those around me.
That’s right! Material things don’t make your life manageable. They just give you more things to lose. Addiction of any kind is a spiritual disease. It eats you from the inside out.
The comments people left are good stuff. I might add…
Do you have a sponsor? The reason I ask, is are you letting anyone get to know you? Once you start to let people in, they may be able to help you a little more…
Try to stop drinking period. Is that making things a little unmanageable for you now? I dont mean that to be a smart ass either. I’m in all seriousness here. For me, my life was unmanageable and became more unmanageable when I’d try to do my normal everyday stuff without a drink in hand. Maybe think of it differently. Like am I able to do everything without a drink?
Once I got past the point of being able to do everyday things without a drink in hand, things started looking up for me. So have an open mind and try to think of it as I stated. Maybe this will help.
I struggle with it,it’s hot here in Delaware and a cold pint of Beck’s sounded so good was grinding my teeth I bought a can of Sprite instead was cheaper and I was able to drive away happy I beat the Firewater Demon it isn’t easy but you absolutely gotta fight it you can do it you can do it you can do it. You’re stronger than you think.
I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments, it’s help tremendously. I’m so busy running around so I find it hard to have time to respond to all.
I just started going to AA again and I think I’ve found someone who is willing to be my sponsor, not sure I’m ready yet. I’m easing myself into it as I find it really hard to ask for help. She’s been great though and I’ve made myself accountable to her I guess.
I’m trying really hard to approach the first step differently this time. Putting it into a different perspective as some have commented. So far the first two weeks have been relatively easy, just trying to find a way to get through when it gets hard.
I know I’m an alcoholic because I’m finding all the empties I’ve hidden around the house, because I drink to escape, I drink and drive to try to hide it from my husband, because I say I need to stop drinking but don’t, can never just have one… my list goes on and on.
I find it hard to admit I’m powerless because I think of myself as a strong woman. It’s hard to be vulnerable but I’m working on opening up.
I agree with you. I know it’s important to stay sober, not only for myself, but for my family as well. My family deserves me at my best self, and alcohol doesn’t belong in that picture.
That’s right. I was very close to my life crashing down on me a few years ago. Thankfully I have an amazing partner. A lesser man would have left me in the dirt but he stuck by me, picked me up and brushed me off. He’s been on this crazy roller coaster with me as I figure this crap out and I’m really trying to stop before rock bottom. I know where drinking leads me and I need to stop the cycle before I actually do lose everything.
I’ve tried many times to stay sober on my own but I always give in when I decide I’m not an alcoholic and don’t have a problem. Going to AA helps to keep me accountable to more people and it helps keep me on track. I never worked the steps before so I’m giving it a shot this time. I’m 2 weeks in and starting my anger phase of this recovery thing. Here goes
Those are all familiar behaviors to this guy here!
One of the biggest impediments to me seeking help was the fact that my life still seemed held together pretty well. It was easy to look at my successes and conclude that I wasn’t a drug addict. That was especially easy when I compared my life to the stereotype of an alcoholic I had in my head. I figured an addict HAD TO BE like only some addicts are – homeless (or just about there), criminal, barely able to focus, shaking, yellow-eyed.
My trajectory was to going to take me all of those places – I just wasn’t there yet. Recognizing the path I was on, aided by the family crisis that my drinking was causing, helped me to understand powerlessness. I wasnt a totall mess yet, but the increasingly problematic drinking over time was the evidence. My life wasn’t totally out of control, but it WAS unmanageable – both because I clearly couldn’t handle living it normally (therefore I had to drink), and because, as good as my life was, it was very unlike the life I really wanted (Because of the drinking!).
Good on ya for being here! And I hope that you keep on keeping on! Being an addict doesn’t make you weak; being an addict who is actively using does! And being an addict in recovery makes you mighty
Just think of how powerless you are to not say no forever. You cant say alcohol has no power over you. Your drinking to excape reality. Everything and life may be good now but all it takes is one dui or domestic charge and life can crumble quickly… you will be powerless to defend the alcohol then.
I’m surprised no-one has said this yet so I will. For me powerless means that once I have that first drink I then become powerless to everything after. I have power over the first one, take it or don’t. But after that I’m a walking shit show. This allows me to still feel I’m control. And I feel like for many addicts this is true. So yeah, I’m not completely powerless. I hold the key.
That said, I know that there are many other addicts that are completely powerless over even that first drink/use. It’s not a competition, these are just facts. One is not better than the other. Chances are that you fall into one of these two camps.
Thank you!!! Us alcoholics have what’s called an ego. About a thousand self centered fears contribute to this ego. its one of the great paradoxes of alcoholism… We have an ego the size of Texas but our self esteem is in the toilet.
That is why When you say words like “surrender” and “Powerless” to us we puff our chest out and start peacocking around. We say things like "I’m not powerless over anything, damn it!! Some of us have been thru some heavy shit. Shit that takes power. So when you say “powerless” to an ego like that, you get a laugh and a middle finger from drunks like us.
When all it means is “we are men and women that have lost the POWER to control our drinking”. It only means that we are powerless AFTER we take that first drink. We do not know what comes next after that first drink.
This is where the powerless debate goes haywire. The misunderstanding of what “admitted we were powerless over alcohol” means. It just means that we can’t drink. And if we do then alcohol WILL win.
