I have a history of domestic abuse and have lived with the pain from my past. My father disappointed me-he abused my brother sexually and has faded away. Since 2009 he has been out of my life.
Just walked and left a dark, stinking hole.
I have an agoraphobic sibling and a Mother who feels and lives the guilt of this every day.
I’ve filled the hole with an unhealthy view of what a couple should be because I don’t know anything else. Every word that comes out of his mouth sounds judgy and unsupportive. It’s like I hand him my heart with a razor when we talk.
I prefer silence over the communication where I constantly feel unempoweed and belittled by his riteousness.
I prefer the feeling of blacking out. I live to escape where I should be living.
Because I witnessed a man ramming his angry words down my mother’s throat, his hot finger poking her in the chest to make sure he was heard, I just want to scream for compassion. I’m still that little girl inside. I hate conflict. I can’t convey myself properly. I’m consistently misunderstood. Sobriety probably won’t fix that, but will help to have a clear head to communicate better. Maybe then I will have a better ear for the love in my spouse than what I have now. It’s worth a try. I want him and our kids to have everything…and the best version of me is all I can provide with a ton of work.
I have bruises on my breast, arm and butt. Big ones. I fell down drunk at the company Christmas party.
There is no more room for error.
You do not get to relive the past.
You just get right now. One moment at a time.
I have to keep making better choices, fill the holes with sober living. Exercise. Honest conversation. Love for yourself so rich and full so you’re not looking to another flawed human to try and fail. They always do. I will.
It’s 9 am on Saturday morning and all I want to do is smoke up. Get high. Get. So. High.
But this only lasts an hour. Then more. More. All.day.
I’m a 42 year old mother of 2. And no journey started without packing up and preparing so here we are.
HUGS. Part of what you said really struck a chord with me. Our stories are very different but honestly YOU’VE HELPED ME this morning. Keep that thought with you and maybe that may help you not get high today.
Well it’s hour by hour for the first day isn’t it? to the three responses. Your words are my strength today. Peace and breathe…we’ve got this. It’s inside…just have to pull it out.
By now I’d have puffed 2-3 bowls and be thinking about the next…sadly…as it wears off that quickly. Leaving shame and fog behind. No more! Big thanks. Hours. Keep. Ticking.
You’re a very powerful writer, maybe you could channel your feelings and emotions into a memoir that you could then use as a basis for something else?
The worst thing that happens is you fill the boring times with something cathartic / when you’re stronger in the future you’re able to see how you’ve achieved it.
However it works, you’re very brave to get this far!
I really heard my daughter today and marvelled at the person she is becoming. If I’m high/drunk/on pharmaceuticals all weekend and evenings then I was missing out on life. Hers. We played where I’d normally brush her off.
It’s nice to feel.
Day 2.
Day 3.
Normally I’d have smoked up 2 bowls of delicious weed before 6 am.
Then I’d cough…2 years of chronic smoking pot.
Then do it again before work.
I’m never on time.
I’d work the day straight, but work the evening around pot.
More and more and more.
Of course, drinking is a close second to supplement socially where weed isn’t acceptable so I’d do that too.
I was drinking and smoking all day every day.
Cold turkey…
I’m relishing how fresh my brain feels. I’m feeling the air as I breathe.
I’m lucky.
I can believe that Monday came and went and here is Tuesday! I told a good friend openly and honestly and will be accountable to her for next Monday. I have a one week plan but remain one day at a time.
Will I ever be able to put these things to my lips anymore?
Would you dance with the devil?
Knowing what these substances have done with me in ‘control’?
I showed her my bruises but she doesn’t know why I reach to drink/get high.
But she’s smarter with her sober brain. She told me I was drinking at night and using weed to cover up the hangovers…every day for 2 years. Throw in some pharmaceuticals…here’s your vicious cycle for you.
My second weekend straight and narrow.
I’ve replaced the high of weed with working out. It’s not half bad.
Almost illegal how I feel right now from being sober and sweating it out to good music.
My heart breaks for you, because no person deserves to be treated like that, nor should a child witness those things. I witnessed the fighting and violence between my parents. Constantly fighting. I, like you, despise conflict. I cannot argue, because of that, but I have been called a pussy and spineless and stuff, just because I wanted to go calm down and figure my approach out before stepping into it. I feel your pain about handing my heart to my spouse (ex now) with a razor. Some people can’t grasp what you’re going through or feel if they haven’t been there. If they have, then maybe they deal with it by denial. All you can do is give your best…nothing more. I have the utmost faith in you, and that you will succeed and beat these demons!!! You’ve already made giant leaps just by admitting that you need help, and seeking it by coming here! You’re in the best place! Good luck We can do this!
I am glad you are here the hard part is over you asked for help. Being clean and sober is not easy but I promise you this it does get better. Go tweeting every chance you get and share
Please don’t give up.
Having you back means you slipped @SoberSteph, but it also means you’ve picked yourself back up and are ready to tackle this ‘thing’ again.
Seconds out!
It’s normal. I have the gold t-shirt when it comes to relapse through recovery. Physically, mentally and substance abusidly😁
Each lesson gets harder with more at stake, but that’s just because you aren’t truly ready. I don’t think I’ll reach for pot again this time…but I’ll reserve comment until I’m not riddled with THC.
I know some would think it’s a bit much to be gripped by pot but to me it’s powerful stuff to my system. I would use it to cover up hangovers too and drink myself to black.
Anything to forget, right? Prior to that I ate…prior to that it was something else.
I think the key is to just never give up. Life is worth living! Life is worth feeling. I have demons to face in life and my past life…so life’s lesson is to teach…and my job is to pay attention.
Thank you for the recognition @Charlesfreck! Means so much!
Thank you for your wise words since being on the forum @SoberSteph.
I am baffled by the way we embrace the thought of alcohol as addictive and yet want to live in the 1960s with regard to pot. Skunk and Super Skunk bear little relation to what the average person was smoking in the 60s. It’s like comparing Bruce Banner with the The Hulk, they’re the same thing, but VERY different.
And I’m not saying we should disregard pain relief when talking about it (my Dad had MS and I would have happily bought it for him), but we really should try to be rational when talking about it’s use (and potential for misuse) and properties.
This is quite an interesting article:
And a line from the subhead about it’s effects on the reward centre:
…‘experiences a rise in dopamine in response to behaviors that bear repeating (eating, exercising, sexual activity, novelty) to promote survival’…
resonates with your comment ‘prior to that I ate, prior to that it was something else’…
Your previous comments about the Gym, and getting your dopamine in a healthy way (the way we all used to before we decided to spend our time lying flat-out staring at a rectangle as our reward for hard work) fill this forum. We’re all realising we’ve been duped. We’ve substituted health, and the natural highs of being healthy, with doping ourselves up to the fucking eyeballs and vegetating in a corner somewhere.
In a way I suppose we’re the lucky ones, because we’ve had a chance to see through this veil of bs, now all we’ve got to do is something about it!
to the three responses. Your words are my strength today. Peace and breathe…we’ve got this. It’s inside…just have to pull it out.