Still not better

Your Story
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Well I slipped, tripped and I fell.

I was 4 months clean from everything, most notably meth and porn.

This time around I felt different, I didn’t have the same urges to use meth as i’d had before, maybe because I was not looking at porn, maybe because I was avoiding alcohol and any other drugs.

However, sexual desire started creeping back in, and I started getting thoughts of reaching that high that only sex on meth can give you. The thoughts continued, growing, until they consumed my brain and I could not longer concentrate on anything. My brain thought if I get a little high and masturbate I can at least go back to the stage of the cycle where I can concentrate on things. I was hating feeling like I could not concentrate, flat lining. So I used, and then I got more and used some more. It was horrible. I came clean to my girlfriend and now she trusts me even less than before. I betrayed her, she still hasn’t recovered from all the horrible things I’ve done in the past. And even though what I did this time was relatively nothing compared, to her it has just opened up the wound and has left her in more pain. I felt proud that i’d managed 4 months, but it now all feels for nothing.

I could feel it coming at the end of the summer. The wet days and dark evenings leading to me stopping my exercise and getting down. The government saying that my job is unviable and i’d have no work for another 6 months.

My dad has been like a sponsor to me, I’ve been speaking to him daily about my drug problem and it’s been really helpful. But I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about my sexual problems. I needed to reach out to someone but had no-one to call when I needed it.

This forum has been a massive help to me, somewhere to read other peoples stories and to vent myself. I’m back on Day 3 now of sobriety. This time around i’m searching for a sponsor for my sex addiction, or someone who can understand what i’m going through. Maybe a sponsor for my meth problem and one for my sex problem. I owe it to my girlfriend, i owe it to myself. I feel so stupid, can’t go through it all again.

I know this ramble is not that cohesive, I feel sick to my stomach from my choices I made this last week, and currently my head is still scrambled. I just needed to get my thoughts out there.

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OK you know what to do and you know what works. So just remember what you felt like this time round and work harder this time to stay clean… I know you know it’s hard… I struggle daily to stay clean but I have my whys and my daily goals that I stick to like a marine just so I can stay clean… We all screw up and relapse. It happens… What matters is how quick you get back up… And your back up on that horse on day 3 and that’s good… You will be fine… Just keep logging on here every single day and keep reading because you know it helps distract you from using… You will be fine. You know it. :kissing_heart:

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You have 500+ people here who all want to help

So, that is ± a month ago? A month you had cravings, but you reached out only once? Never crave alone mate. We don’t care if you make topic after topic when you’re craving. We’re here for you

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That’s it each time I go clean I manage longer and learn more but I’d be lying if I said I know the path. I’m pretty sure I can cope with the drug sobriety but the cravings for chemsex were getting stronger each day and that is what I need to learn to deal with. Can’t ignore them, must deal with the underlying issues

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Have to say despite it being 4 months clean, as soon as I used I was right back in at my darkest moment from before. Nothing changed. If I go back to using I’m going to spiral out of control. This must be the last time

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I don’t know the path either… I’m surprised myself I just hit 6 months. No idea how that happened lol. You just gotta push through when you get the urge. Make the decision that you will not give in. I’ve been on the border of giving in so many times but I Know I cannot do that, or everything I want to do in the future, Wont happen… I have a page of paper and I’ve got written on it 28 reasons to stay clean. I know it sounds basic but when I’m really struggling, what I do is pull the page out and read it over and over and over till it sinks in that I can’t fuck up again… It works for me. The feelings go and I get past that moment… Even if it’s a few times a day, I do it… Maybe you should try that. Write down a list of goals and dreams and things you want to accomplish that if u use, won’t happen… Like for mine I’ve got travel again, get my drivers license, buy a house etc… I have 28 things I want to do… If I use, none of these will come to fruition… Give it a go. It’s worth a shot :grin:

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