I find myself thinking about it every day. I’m going through the motions of trying to find things to do… Always feel like something is missing. Trying so hard to get comfortable in my skin. I don’t want to go to a meeting and contemplate booze for an hour. I just want a happy and fulfilled life without it.
I volunteered driving elderly to a Thanksgiving party yesterday. It was nice. But that was yesterday. I’m thankful but something’s still off.
I’m off work through Tuesday. Not sure what to do.
The longer you stay clean or sober slowly it all starts to make sense. When you start to feel comfortable in your own skin you won’t need to go looking for fulfilment what you have will be enough. As a drunk I considered my life as pointless, crap job, moaning Mrs. Sober my jobs better than a lot of things I could be doing and I like having someone to moan at me because we are a team but she is the leader, unfortunately . Do a journel of the things your grateful for and focus your energy on them, especially the one that says I’m grateful I’m sober. This always makes me smile telling myself I’m sober, nothing else matters in comparison.
Part of it is I think I struggle with some sort of mood or personality disorder. It’s like chicken and the egg… I tell a therapist I need help for drinking and the rest gets ignored. On the other hand, alcohol is the most clear and present manifestation of it.
I’m in a dual diagnosis situation too and yes, both need to be addressed. Even though 80% of men with my condition have a substance problem and the disorder has quite a clear link to substance abuse, I’ve been able to experience relative freedom from the obsession I used to have with alcohol and a year sobriety. And I haven’t been able to sort out my mental health satisfactorily yet. I’m still heavy into treatment and trying all my options for that mental health side and looking for relief.
What has worked for me is just attacking each side as I’ve been able. My mental health people gloss over my addiction and I haven’t found AA people yet IRL that really get my mental health component. TS is a rare tool that helps me with both. At this point I don’t have the option of a dual diagnosis treatment centre but it is a useful tool. So I haven’t had the exact support I’ve wanted, but I just plunged into what I had and it turns out to be enough for me so far.
I am confident that if you invest enough into the options and resources you’ve got, you can make the progress you’re looking for. But it might take a longer commitment or a more intensive strategy or using less appealing avenues than what you want. I know that’s not what anyone wants to hear, but for me I just kept falling down until I relented to this.
Have you seen a psychiatrist to narrow down what kind of disorder you might be experiencing? Psychiatry figured out stuff my doctor wasn’t seeing and a therapist wasn’t licensed to diagnose. That, seeking out dual diagnosis treatment options near you (there may be outpatient options), taking mental health classes or group therapy near you (what you learn tends to be useful to fighting substance struggles not just overall mental health), or get a new therapist that pays attention to the whole you, including and certainly not limited to the alcohol part. You don’t have to do these things, they are things that come to mind for me. I just want to help you find a solution.
My advice Brad, is to start working on this.
Start thinking that nothing is missing.
Try affirmations like " I’m not missing out by not drinking" or " I don’t drink" that was mine.
I don’t drink.
I don’t see drinking and having fun being linked anymore because I can have fun without drinking now.
But I’ve had to learn this. It didn’t just happen.
Mindset my friend, is the most important thing.
We live in a world where drinking and fun are intrinsically linked.
You have to break that link yourself.
It’s not going to happen just because you have given up drinking, you need to work at this.
I have seen an psychiatrist and just got the usual ssri. Gained a bunch of weight, drank anyway, therapy was basically useless. I might just skip the therapy route. I basically know I have something similar to borderline personality, or melancholic. It’s probably due to unstable father figures, an alcoholic original father and cold and distant stepfather. So what. What’s done is done.
I’m similar to this… Every time I want a drink I stop in my tracks and ask myself what I am really feeling, someone posted recently, it’s the feeling before the drink that gets you, and something like (I can’t remember what she said) the first sip relieves that feeling. That stuck… How can a sip relieve all that built up longing and feeling? And we all know what comes next… Potential doom or actual doom. So I stop myself. And question the feeling… What am I actually missing? Because the first few drinks are fun… Then there is hazy comfort… Then erratic moods and all the rest of the bad stuff and blackouts… Etc etc etc… Then there is the feeling I experience… Longing, missing out… Needing numbness and connection, anger and all the rest… I really try and find and nail exactly what I’m feeling and why, each time… And they are often, these moments.
I ask why am I sooo angry, what’s to be angry about… Sometimes it’s because I’m saying no to a part of me that is saying yes… And one doesn’t like the other… And I talk it out with myself or someone else… And when I face it it helps… Get right to the real real truth of it… Sometimes… There is a lot more to it, but this helps me on my perticular path a bit…
Exactly, we are saying no to a part of us that has had control over our actions. It’s not going to like being told no. It will fight back.
Right from a very early point in my sobriety, I convinced myself that I was missing nothing. I sat in a pub all day in January for my Gil’s funeral. I watched as it descended into mayhem. Wtf was I missing. Nothing.
I think that was a turning point for me. But it’s not easy.
Brad I’m sorry to say this but I see someone still in denial.
Why didn’t therapy work? I don’t understand how it can’t. I think that perhaps you just weren’t open to what was needed.
Because you are still fighting the fact that you are an alcoholic.
This hit home with me today. I’m still so sad over losing my friend this week and a moment ago I thought of drinking. No one to answer to, no one really cares if I do or not…IRL anyway.
Psychiatry isn’t usually a one-off, but an ongoing collaboration until some solution is found. Did you tell them the SSRI didn’t work and ask about other options? You go until it works or until there is nothing left to try, appealing or not. My meds have been changed what, 15, 20, 30 times? Lots of different psych meds plus dose changes, over several years. Referrals to multiple different types of therapy, community programs, etc. Really seeing everything through before deciding it’s not useful. Do not stop trying things until something is helping, then if that isn’t enough, find the next thing. Also, I don’t know what “I basically know” means, but go with the diagnosis your psychiatrist gives you, not the entry of the DSM or ICD that sounds most like you. It’s a job for the professionals. I’m not saying you don’t know anything, I’m saying this isn’t a DIY deal.
If your therapy is describable as chit chat for an hour, it’s definitely time to get a new therapist. Growth involves challenge and doing or learning things you haven’t done before. If I haven’t felt better or felt challenged, I’ve moved on to someone who does do this. So I agree with you on finding a new psychologist to work with.
I understand you’re discouraged at how little seems to have been solved by what you’ve tried. And that’s completely okay to feel. I feel this way all the time. Just don’t buy into the idea that things aren’t worth it. Or that you’ve tried everything that could possibly help. There is always a way forward. Always.
Looks like you are making progress @Nullcorp. I know you are a bright fellow but do you mind if I suggest since you have some days off to go sit in a meeting. Doesn’t really matter how you feel about it. Just sit there. Hang out with your fellow alcoholics and just sit there. Play on your cell phone if you get bored. Just sit there.
Thanks. I think that’s the main frustration, to go spend money and take off work and bare your soul to a stranger only to not get any answers, just a perplexed face. It takes a lot of energy to do that once, I totally get why people don’t get help.
Totally. It’s difficult enough trying to find energy and time for a purely mundane task like going to the DMV when you’re feeling low, and with an emotional investment like that it’s different again. Lots of times I felt like giving up on help. But I always stayed stuck if I ever let myself stay on the ground instead of getting back on my feet.
The one thing I’m thankful for is I have such an enormous ego, I refuse to give up. There’s always a lone modicum of optimism floating around my person. That I know I’m capable of the lives I see other people leading. Part of me hates being the mentally ill guy. I’ve accepted alcoholic. I black out when I drink, QED. I think that is an issue unto itself but what drives me back is apathy toward self destruction. If not for a fear of death I would have ended my life a long time ago. That, and stubbornness. A great deal of stubbornness.
Because guess what, nobody wants to be around someone mentally ill. I’ve sent the wrong drunk text and ended or stifled so many active and prospective friendships.
People claim to care but they have their own lives understandably. You get this label, this stigma, and you can’t shake it off. Very few people know, though… I’m very high functioning.
