Posted here once before- 56 and remarried to love of my life- i have been doing much better with my partner and her drinking. She is more of a binge drinker- Here is where i need help and i struggle- If there is alcohol present in the situation- she has to partake. Even if the two of us are away from the stresses of life etc. How do i not take it personal when she says- I need to drink to destress- I look at it like she is trying to escape from me (the person who i thought makes her the most happy) - the reality is- i will never know for sure- Is that an unrealistic thought to have? I say to her “just being with you is all i need to be happy”- What she is “saying” is- i still need this in addition- Can anyone help me out? This is where i feel insecure (or is the need to drink just to strong?) thanks
You’re living my story H.
I’ve been going to Al-Anon over 2 years now.
And still learning it’s not personal. It’s a disease. We been married 40 years and we were drinking buddies for about 36 of those years and I got sober. She supports me but she’s still gonna drink.
Al-Anon has saved my life. Given me sanity and saved my marriage. I’m powerless over people places and things.
I started a thread over here if you like to check it out.
Join in. Vent, support, whatever you like. There are others around living a story similar to ours.
I hope to see you around.
thanks- how do you “teach” yourself it’s not personal- ? Alls i keep replaying in my head is the drink is more important that me. That’s a true statement correct?
It’s not about you.
In my experience, as an alcoholic, the need to drink is much like the need to eat when your hungry. The only difference is no amount of alcohol will sate the appetite. I knew it was not normal so I too would make up excuses,.like stress or I deserved it for some reason. Fact is, I just wanted to get drunk.
It is a form of escapaism for many people too. We never truly know what a person carries with them, only what they are willing to share. Many alcoholics have experienced some sort of trauma which drives the need to drink at some level.
While you can try to understand it, unfortunately you can’t change it. Who ever said "you can lead a horse to water… " was speaking the truth. My wife tried to change my drinking for years, the more she pushed, the more I resisted. I had to come to decision on my own, and I did, some 20 years later.
So yeah, it’s not about you, there’s a lot more to her drinking than we could ever understand.
I’d definitely take @Dazercat’s advice on the matter.
thank you- helpful to hear from someone who has been there since i don’t understand it. since you have experience- you for instance- were you aware you may have been hurting someone in the process of getting drunk? or does it not matter? what would be your advice for me other than going to Al-Anon- ? which i am in the process of doing.
By showing up at Al-Anon meetings and listening to others share their experience strength and hope. After 2 plus years I’m still a work in progress. It still hurts. I don’t take it as personally as I use to. But in Al-Anon I also found out about me. And I take a lot of things personally even when the alcoholic isn’t around.
It’s a disease. It’s what alcoholics do.
I hear your heartbreak. I understand. I don’t have anything extra to contribute - my comments and suggestions would be the same as Dan and Eric have given above - but I wanted to post and say you’re not alone.
I knew I was hurting my wife, and when I was not intoxicated, I cared, but as soon as I started drinking, I stopped caring. I was very selfish, but conflicted at the same time. At the time, I would do anything for just one more drink. I would lie, I would deceive, I would steal… it’s a terrible disease because that’s not who I am, but that’s how people saw me.
When I got sober, that was one of the hardest things to reconcile within myself. I was not a a good husband, partner or friend to my wife and it took a long time for me to forgive myself, which I had to do to move forward with repairing our relationship.
As a recovering alcoholic I would drink because I was addicted. Any excuse would work.
Company is coming over, I need a drink.
Kids are stressing me out, I need a drink. Politics and the news, I need a drink.
A nap sounds nice, a drink will help me get in the right frame of mind.
Ooh, it’s dinner time, that’s when most people drink so I’ll drink too.
Kids are in bed, time to celebrate and drink.
It’s Wednesday, I deserve a drink.
I feel bad, a drink will help.
I’m bored, I need a drink.
I made it through the work week with no drink, must celebrate and drink.
I’m so sick from drinking, maybe a drink will help.
The point I’m trying to make is an alcoholic will find any reason to drink. It has nothing to with anyone else.
The reasons are just an excuse to hide from the outside world, and ourselves, that we have a problem.
And unfortunately you can’t get her to stop. She has to want to do stop on her own. For me, the pain from drinking finally was stronger than the desire to drink so I decided to stop. Its really hard to stop.
I appreciate all the insight- If someone threatens to leave - my fear is that it would cause resentment correct? It’s almost a no -win situation for someone like me- Any other advice on how to get the person to self-reflect?
Everyone I know who threatened to leave their partner due to their drinking, ended up leaving their partner; after all, you can lead a horse to water.
Personally, the “quit or I am out” ultimatum rarely works, in my opinion, it’s basically saying I want out of the relationship and it’s you that’s making that happen, not me.
Tactfully done, it can be more effective. Honestly, she may not see it as a problem. To her, she’s probably having fun, but to you, she’s not present, she’s not herself and she’s not healthy. Telling her this may come as a surprise, she will likely feel attacked and that her character is being criticized. That’s largely how I felt. Any sort of disapproval from my wife resulted in undue resentment.
I think starting the conversation slowly and softly could help. Asking her if she has ever or ever would consider not drinking for a while. It’s important to give her time to think about it, maybe give her 2 weeks, maybe longer.
It’s a complicated and delicate thing, us alcoholics are hard deaded and stubborn, we don’t want to change and we sure as heck don’t want others trying to change us until were ready to do so ourselves, but a little nudge might help.
In Al-Anon I have learned alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
If I’m trying to get her to……….fill in the blank…….
Then I’m trying to control a situation I have no control over.
Step 1. I’m powerless over alcohol and my alcoholic.
And like @Vanessa8 said. I loved your share by the way.
It’s what alcoholics do. They drink.
It’s exactly what I did when I was in my active addiction. I drank. A lot.
I can only change myself.
thank you all - this has been so helpful- mind you she does not drink every day- but if alcohol is present- it’s usually game on-i would classify it more as binge drinking- but if someone doesn’t have control-(and it’s affecting someone- in this case me)-how would you all classify it?
There’s so many definitions and criteria for the alcohol abuse umbrella and really it depends on who you ask.
For me, it’s simple, if you drink, you either have a problem with alcohol or you don’t, yet.
It’s also my opinion that it’s rather difficult to assess another persons level of alcoholism as many of the components are internal, for example, do they think about drinking throughout the day, do they plan their day around alcohol, do they lie about how much and often they consume, do they hide their drinking, etc.
And of course, there’s the external signs, like missing work, trouble maintaining relationships, legal issues (DUI, etc.), declining health related to drinking.
Essentially, has their life become unmanageable due to drinking.
Now, from what your saying, she doesn’t drink often, but when she starts, she can’t stop. That doesn’t necessarily mean she has a problem or is an alcoholic. I know several people that can’t stop when they start and they don’t have a problem.
I also know people who drink somewhat moderately but drink everyday and they think about it and plan around it, so that is a little concerning, but is it a problem? Is their life unmanageable?
I think having a conversation with her about it is the way to go, just know, you cannot control the outcome and you may not like the outcome, and that’s life.
If you have access to a therapist or counselor, you could ask for advice on how to broach the conversation in a non-threatening way.
thanks- not everyday- not interfering with daily life- just hurting the one that loves here the most. Maybe i have to learn to be more tolerable- just difficult for me sometimes.