So I’m laying here my brain in whirlwind of new. New attitude. New way of thinking. New words. New habits being formed. New, new new. And scary, and awkward and unfamiliar…and I sort of am overwhelmed and don’t know what to do with myself. Feeling sort of out of place in my own skin. It was kindly suggested to me to take up some old hobbies. One of them drawing, another writing. I went to work this morning, came home and ate, went right to a meeting, and back home to get my son to bed. I’ve finally had a moment to stop and think and decided I could at least write. If not on paper like I prefer then on here. Im not sure if anyone will even read this but it is my current mode of therapy so…
What once was my haven has become my new prison. My escape has become my Warden. Things that were once bright and easy and carefree are the fetters and chains and burdens binding me.
If I only would have known I would’ve never let it go…never let it grow…never let the bitterness so freely flow.
They tell you you have choices, oh just ignore all the voices…
but whispers turned to screams as I got nightmares in place of dreams.
Till the choices you had now have you. They push and they drive ever demanding of you.
What to think, how to be, how to act how to speak…a numb blind robotic trance.
But the numbness seems easier than having a chance.
than having a choice…than recognizing your own voice.
The filter that promised to make it ok to make you feel happy and wanted and understood, has now morphed into a deep knowing that you’re nothing, least of all good.
Everything is twisted reenforcing you’re not “what you should”.
The despair and self loathing keep chipping away, till all that is left of your soul is just gray.
Not black or dark or horribly destroyed, because that would be better than the numb thoughtless void.
No gray is the color that I wear, a constant reminder of what’s just under here.
I dare not scratch the surface, I know I can’t bear,
To face the beaten wounded soul desperate to hide, to survive, to try not to care.
I feel like u just explained my current state perfectly! I couldn’t have explained my feelings unless i read them in yours. You’re an amazing writer and such a strong woman. Thank you for this. It was amazing to read. I’m lost with u girl so whatever comes dont feel alone.
Thank you! Im with you too. I just read your post too, so happy you were able to get some help and calm down, and stay strong! Actually super proud of you.
Thank you. yes quite cathartic actually. It can get a little dark, but its what comes out so I assume it needs to. I get lost in my writing or drawing and everything else fades away for that time. So I guess wise advice from a new friend…
Damn Girl, that was beautiful and sad and real all at the same time. Gave me goosebumps. I’m sure it helped you to write it and I know it helped me to read it. So thank you!! And keep em comin:)
Thank you. I’m glad you felt something from it. It was exactly how I was feeling and i cried as I wrote, but felt a bit cleansed in the end. Any way I’m hoping my writing will get a bit brighter as I get more free along this journey…I suppose we shall see
