Stronger then my alter ego **Potential trigger warning**

Life in Recovery
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Hi friends! Its been a minute since I started a post. Im not sure if ive ever spoken about my past alter ego on TS (I dont tend to talk about her bcuz i think it makes me sound crazy), but ive been doing a little work around it lately and i came to some big realizations today that Id love to share with u all :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

So, for those that dont know… I was sexually exploited as a child (age 16) and then began working the sex trade as an adult. I survived and supported my addiction to drugs by selling my services to men. Having to turn tricks put me in some very dangerous situations (which I wont get into), but this is where my alter ego came into play. Her name was Jody James. And she obviously was ME, but i always viewed her in a different light. She was stronger, smarter, confident… a business woman of sorts, yet also more closed off, cold, and distant. I relied on her to keep me safe. To keep my alive. She was observant and aware. She had boundaries.

But on a day to day basis, it was as if i was 2 different people. One side of me was the sweet, kind, compassionate woman that u see today (even though I was addicted to drugs I was still genuinely a sweet person), while the other was brought forth when i needed to be street smart and needed to be kept safe and ultimately to stay alive and potentially survive another night.

I have always had a hard time letting go of her. She was my friend. Even thought i have exited the trade and have been out of that lifestyle for over 10 years, theres a part of me that misses her. I miss the traits that she had. And my first realization is that bcuz we are the same person those traits are traits that I have within me! I realized that I just need to learn to bring out that confidence and strength and those boundaries into my current reality.

I always viewed her as a “stronger person” and yet today i finally came to another realization, that i am actually STRONGER than she is. Yes she kept me safe thru alot of abuse, but I got myself clean and sober, I got myself out of the sex trade, I got myself out of that abusive relationship many years ago, I got myself a college degree and now help people bcuz of it, I am now getting myself physically healthy and mentally strong. I did all those things (with the huge help of my HP of course). Not her! Why am I giving credit to an alter ego?! It just floored me today when i realized that I am actually stronger than she is. It felt sooo good to feel this and i actually feel like im in the process of letting her go. I am no longer having to survive anymore. I am thriving in this new world of recovery! I dont need the same defense mechanisms now that i used to need when i was fighting the world. I can let that go! Just like i can let go of Jody James. She was there for a purpose at that time in my life to keep me safe. But i dont need her anymore.

Wow this was sure an eye opener for me. Ive had alot of time to think lately so i guess this is where it got me haha To whoever read it all, thanks for reading. I am a grateful recovering addict today :heart:

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Yes!!! Excellent post. My story is different, but much the same in that I too, had a Jody James. She kept terrible things from happening, and she had sharp instincts. She knew how to get out of a bad situation and let me live. She knew how to get me back to neutral. But she couldn’t help me thrive. She couldn’t help me grow. Jody helped me tread water.

Yes, yes you are better and stronger. She is the very muted, great parts of you. Now you have the full spectrum with growth and true happiness, not just survival.

I thank her for keeping me safe. And I let her go :heart:

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This is beautiful, deep, and dedicated, Dana. I am proud of you in many ways. I remember when you came on this site. I have watched you and my pride for you grows. Though I don’t post often any more (and hope to start that again), I’ve watched you grow on an this internet site.

Continued great work. :revolving_hearts:

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What an amazing share. :pray:t2: :muscle:

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Wow! I love u how u worded ur post. Thank u for sharing and thank u for relating :heart:

This right here is sooo true!! There was no way possible that our alter egos could provide us with that growth. They helped us survive a hard life. Yet those skills and traits are still with us. We may not need to use them much anymore, i know i dont as i am not living the way i used to, but they are still there. Im glad ur here and in recovery. We can growth on our own to be our true authentic selves

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Awe Jene… that means alot! I really appreciate ur kind words. I hope to see u posting more too. I always enjoyed reading them.

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Thank u sooo much friend :heart:

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Yes, you are!!! So happy for you!! FWIW, I think you are one of the strongest people I know. :muscle: :people_hugging::butterfly:

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I teared up reading this. This person is very proud of you, your strength shines. Adios Jody, thanks for being there when you were needed. đź©·

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Yes, good point Dana. The instincts remain. I instinctively know when a person or situation is dangerous, now. My past forced me to develop those instincts to survive. They’re still there, and still protect me. Maybe not from someone that would harm me physically, but instead it could be emotional or financial. The situations are very different but it’s still danger.

Thank you for this great post and discussion. Really got me thinking today. :heart:

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Hey Dana :people_hugging::kissing_heart:
I just loved reading this. What a great share. I like how you gave yourself I the credit that You deserve for all the work youhave done to get as far as you have come. Following your journey since I got here has been such a beautiful thing to be a part of. I’m so happy Dana never gave up on Dana. You fought so hard to get where you are now. I’m so fucking proud of you girl.
Dana is such a sweet strong lady I love to think of a as a good friend.

Thanks for putting this out here.
Good for you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
:pray:t2::heart:

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Awe thank you!!! That means alot to me :slight_smile: im sooo grateful to know u and be a part of this amazing community :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you sooo much!! It actually feels really good to be letting Jody go. I sort of feel free in a sense :slight_smile:

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Eric… ur post made me tear up! :face_holding_back_tears: I am very grateful to know u and have u as a good friend. Youve always played a special part of my recovery and i always appreciate ur kind words of advice. Thank u for being here friend :slight_smile:

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Thank you for sharing, Dana. You have such an inspirational story. I often think about those who are lurking and by sharing what you do, you are reaching people that are stuck in their addiction and doing what they do to make the money needed You give them hope that they too can have a better life. Your growth has been remarkable! I’m lucky to witness it and be a part of your journey. :heartbeat:

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If I could give this a 100 likes I would. Dear Dana, you really are a role model for me. Your honesty, self knowledge, reflectiveness, your power, your growth. And I recognise stuff of myself in you. Lots of it. While we are totally different and live totally different lives at the same time I see many similarities. This alter ego stuff makes me think. Not done thinking yet, because for me it feels a bit different but still somewhat the same too. I’m no longer just surviving but I still got so much growing to do, letting go of the old defense mechanisms is bloody hard work still for me. You make me realize that. I read your story five times and it made me cry five times. Thanks friend. We’re in this together. :people_hugging:

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Wow! This has brought up so many thoughts and images and emotions in me. Thank you so much for this share. It really opened something up inside of me :palms_up_together:t3:

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So grateful that i saw this post Dana. What an amazing revelation.

You ARE Stronger than her and you are a warrior my friend. I am always in awe of how far you have come and what you endure daily. Grateful that you are working so diligently on your recovery and healing from your past.

I am so grateful that you realized that you and Jody are both in YOU. You are a pillar of strength and its high time you saw this in yourself.

This post made my day Dana. :heart: :hugs: Much love dear friend.

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Awe ur post made me smile :slight_smile: thank u for ur beautiful words. i look up to you also and always have admired youre determination for a clean and sober life. Ur constantly putting in the work to better urself and ur life. Im glad my post made u think :slight_smile: and im glad we share alot of similarites. We truly are in this together. Thank u my friend for being here and being a part of my journey :heart:

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Ur so welcome friend :slight_smile: hugs!

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