Welcome to the forum. You know, we all become addicted to things for a variety of reasons, and Stopping sometimes is a complex thing. It’s not just because we are all lousy human beings who can’t get our shit together. It’s not because we suck and are weak. Though I know how much it must feel that way.
It could be as simple as you needing new people in your life, or it could be the chemical need, or it could be some deep underlying emotional issue that you’re unaware of or simply can’t face. I don’t know you, so I can’t say. The linked thread below has a presentation on why addicts can’t just have one drink. The end is really the most interesting because it gives an insight into the chemical nature of addiction.
I’d also recommend checking out Gabor Mate. There are videos on YouTube. Just search his name. That might also be useful for you.
I was a chronic relapser. For years. You are not alone. I hope you will make good use of this forum. Dive into the threads and let this place be a community for you. This can be a really great tool for your sobriety toolbox. Just knowing there are people who–no matter how different in other ways they might be–understand this, who understand the struggle, the pain, the shame, and the desperation as you try to just make it for five more minutes.
There are a lot of things in this world that you have no control over, but one thing that you do have control over are your thoughts. This is where everything begins. Your thoughts create your emotions, and in turn they fuel your actions. Watch your thoughts. See if you notice thoughts that usually go unnoticed in your day. What were you thinking earlier in the day, or an hour before you started to crave? If you can change your thoughts and your emotions, you are more likely to change your actions.
Control what you can control in your life and in your world. Change always starts with the individual anyway. If all the individuals decided to change themselves for the better, the world would be different overnight. There are things that will happen in the world and while you can’t change them directly, you can change your response.
I wish you the best. Take care. Hang in there. You can do this.