My husband’s family opens gifts on Christmas eve and I always ALWAYS drink. Before we ate and then opened presents I had this overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn’t pinpoint. I had to go in the bathroom and sob silently twice. I just couldn’t get it together and was pretty much having a pity party asking my higher power for the strength to get through something that should’ve been a happy time.
Nothing was wrong, there are never fights on Christmas eve, the food turned out great…and still I wept. Tonight was hard, but once I got out a few good cries I finally started to enjoy myself. It took a while though. It’s like I don’t know how to socialize sober. I was terrified of participating and putting on a good show that I was happy without the aide of alcohol. Anyways, I imagine tomorrow will be just as hard if not harder. We’re having people over for dinner and we’ll be cooking, baking and cleaning all day.
Trying to stay positive because that all sounds pretty unbearable if I can’t drink.
I had the same feelings earlier in the day. I was down cause others can drink and not have to worry about drinking. Or if its someone who dosnt drink for the the heck of it they dont have to be thinking about drinking. Then I kept trying to remember that I really dont want to drink, its the addict mind trying to creap in dueing the holidays when it is more exceptible to drink a lot. But I keept my wits and persevered, the moments passed. Here I am going to bed sober and happy, Im sure you are as well!!! Have a great christmas!!!
Thanks for the kind words. Still sober, craving pretty bad. Reading “Drinking: A Love Story,” and just came across this which sums up my social awkwardness perfectly.
“Almost by definition alcoholics are lousy at relationships. We melt into them in that muddied, liquid way, rather than marching into them with any real sense of strength or self-awareness. We become so accustomed to transforming ourselves into new and improved versions of ourselves that we lose the core version, the version we were born with, the version that might learn to connect with others in a meaningful way. We are uncomfortable, often desperately uncomfortable, with closeness, and alcohol has the insidious dual effect of deadening the discomfort and also preventing us from ever really overcoming it: we become too adept at sidestepping the feelings with drink to address them directly. Feel conflicted? Drink. Insecure? Have a drink. Angry? Drink.”
I swear, this post was a mirror to my thoughts and my night. I was having some holiday blues/dread and felt a feeling of grieving. That I was missing out or something. I stepped out a few times due to getting a bit choked up and feeling loss and anxiety. It came and went a few times and while the craving was there, it did not take control. I’m not sure how tomorrow will go, but hey, one day and one holiday at a time. Hope things go well for you tomorrow
I struggled so much with feeling comfortable enough to socialize liquor was always the answer for me. It made me brave and able to talk about anything. Today I’m feeling down also. This journey is an emotional roller coaster. It helps to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way so thanks for sharing.
@Elisabeth Good to hear you didnt give in. I felt a little urge to drink but I think its more the urge to have fun and im missing. Keep up the good work!
liquor was always the answer for me. It made me brave and able to talk about anything. Today I’m feeling down also. This journey is an emotional roller coaster. It helps to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way so thanks for sharing.