I am an alcoholic. I am the worst kind of alcoholic. I am a functioning closet alcoholic. I have been to in patient treatment two years ago. Out patient several times. I have always been very good at my job but lost my military career because of a DUI. My drinking was a part of my first marriage dissolving into divorce. Every time I try to get help I end of faking it. Now in my current marriage my drinking is starting to take a toll and I know this is the girl I am meant to be with. I am on day two and struggling bad, but this is the first time I am actually applying the knowledge I have learned from treatment and actually being honest with everyone, especially myself. This is the first time I am reaching out without being forced. I am struggling though. I typically have close to 8-12 drinks per day and feel very anxious. Just need some words to get me through. First few days are the worst.
Being uncomfortable feels terrible, but that is exactly what it is “feeling”. We decide to get sober and realize we have to feel our issues now, we can’t drink or drug them away anymore. You’ve been down this road before it sounds. Write down the reasons you made this decision to quit and when you think you want to drink, read the list. Then try writing a gratitude list and keep it simple like "I’m grateful for a house, a job, electricity, your hair, your eyes, whatever. Today is all you have, this moment in time is all you have, if you go back out, you loose everything! I applaud you for asking for help. That still trips me up sometimes, but I have AA, sponsor, 12 steps, mtgs and the gifts those give me that save me daily. You (we) CAN do this! Stay strong, stay sober, keep reaching out! 
Welcome @kyleL !
Reaching out on your own without being forced is a big deal…it means that deep down inside your done with living the alcoholics life.
It means that you and you alone want it to change and that is the best place to start!
Unfortunately it sometimes takes us having to hit rock bottom,sometimes not once or twice but several times before we decide were sick and tired if being sick and tired.
You mentioned using knowledge learned as you’ve been down this road before…that’s a great way to think because that knowledge is definitley power when trying to get and remain sober.
Not everyone new to sobriety has that knowledge so you at least know where to start and what comes a long with it.
You found a great group of people here and we all in the same boat headed in the same direction…our destinations might be different but our goals the same…we’re here to help if ya need it and I’m sure you’ll be a great help to everyone else.
Once again…welcome!
It seems like you understand what needs to be done…now you just gotta stick with applying it…put everything you know into action and you will see a change…i also have AA and a Sponsor…i believe in the literature…what it tells me…i do a 10th step every day to reflect…thats how i look at myself and begin to realize what i need to change about ME…The only option i have at this moment is the 12 steps because i know doing it my way waa clearly not the right way…my advice is reach out to as many sober people as you can find and see how they did it or are doing it…thats what i do everyday…it has done wonders…good luck to you…ill be here if ya need to chat…
I appreciate the support from everyone. Definitely makes it a little bit easier.
sigh I know the feeling. I look back at the last relationships I had and a major issue was me getting wasted and us fighting.now even though I wasn’t the only one drunk, I had and still do have underlying issues I haven’t dealt with that became who I was when I drank.I never let myself heal.When we drink we stop our growth mentally, we don’t learn to cope and heal or deal with anything the way we want to.
I am now married and I have hidden the amount I drank for awhile.I finally did tell him I drank without telling him though when I decided to be sober.
The first few weeks will be a huge Rollercoaster, for some reason we seem to think we can’t do ANYTHING without alcohol, when in fact we can and it’s actually kind of exciting. Going through new scenarios where you would have been drunk but your sober makes you feel like you met an old friend, the person you always knew you were but just couldn’t reach them.
I know that getting sober will be the best thing you can do for your marriage.It will allow you to start to become the best you for yourself and for her.& That will be an amazing feeling.
You know I remember being forced to go to AA and lying about being sober.Funny you mention that because I wanted to post a topic on that.Anywho, alot of people have done it I’m sure.We are just so used to lying.Except, it doesn’t feel good.Reflecting on that just gives you the ability to appreciate the feeling of really wanting better.of really trying.Its a burning desire and it’s scary but it’s freaking rewarding
My wife is very supportive of it which is nice. She doesn’t quite understand it which is ok but I told her that she doesn’t need to worry or feel bad when I am craving or change herself in anyway to help. Im not trying to change her, im trying to fix me. I went years trying to fake being sober, giving advice to others, still excelling at what I do, but it always comes out eventually and bites me in the ass EVERY TIME. The crazy part is I know I can’t manage it forever but those thoughts of “im still doing good and have it under control” flood the truth that I know I am helpless to this.
But know and strive to do the next right thing no matter what it is… wake up and say ok make it till noon and when you do say I CAN stay clean the rest of today… Work the steps take your own advice and know you can change the craving can go away LIFE CAN BE BETTER…
I would try to steer away from looking at it as "I can’t stay this way forever"
We don’t know how long of a life we will have so forever could mean 2 days, 2 months or 2 years…and really all we need to worry about it staying sober for the day.One day at a time.Its enough weight to get through one day but to try to worry about being sober FORVER is incredibly stressful.
I know how feel… I’ve recently become a single mom and didn’t even know it was coming. One day we’re a happy family the next he abandoned us running off to his ex and completely cutting all ties to us. I was actually doing a lot better and that’s when I started to drink. In the past I had a drinking problem and drug problem. I substitute one addiction for another. Now that I’m at the top of my game and am doing so well, I’ve tried to stop drinking on numerous occasions but find my self back at it a couple days later. I just got this great job and have a blow-n-go in my truck so it makes it impossible to be hung over or have any resemblance of alcohol on me and drive. As of now I haven’t had a drink for 1day 4 hours and 48 mins. And I feel this time is going to be different cause I want it so much now… I’m really glad I stumbled across this app today 