I’m really having a hard time not drinking when I have to sit and watch my husband do it every day. Just looking for any tips or advice to make this easier.
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Have you talked with your husband about how seeing him drink makes you feel?
My husband still drinks, but he did not keep any alcohol in the house during my first four months of sobriety out of respect for me. I’ve also asked him not to leave an open bottle of wine around, and he has supported me in that. I fully realize that alcohol is my problem, not his. He is a very normal, minimal drinker who can easily go without. I really appreciate him being aware of things that would be hard for me in the early days. I had to tell him, though, what would be helpful to me.
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My husband drinks everyday as well. It was definitely tough to get thru in the beginning but as someone mentioned earlier, it’s our sobriety not theirs. I had to remind myself of that a lot, but it has gotten easier.
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I’m right there with you I’m 5 days and my husband is sitting and drinking right now… I want a drink so bad. This sucks
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My husband was like that a lot, always offering me drinks, even when I would say I would rather hurt myself than drink… And 5 min later asking me to drink with him.
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My partner and I made a pact that neither of us would drink or have alcohol in the house. This has worked quite well for me, as the temptation has been removed and I would actively have to go out and look for it if I wanted it now…might be worth suggesting.
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Perhaps tell your husband exactly what you shared with us. Maybe even show him the responses/suggestions/support you’ve received on here about your situation. I bet he would completely respect that. Tell him that him drinking ‘around you’ right now is difficult for you. Maybe it won’t always be that way…but it is for you right now. I’m pretty sure being married you both also know how to compromise for each others best interest. Re-install the thought telling him that you don’t mind him drinking…its just that is difficult being around alcohol for you right now…because you want to quit.
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I look at it like this :My husbands drinking has nothing to do with me. And my sobriety has nothing to do with him.
Concentrate on you, and only you. He needs to be on the back burner while you figure yourself out.
You can only fix yourself, you can only save yourself.
Concentrate on what you have power over.
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I have over a year and a half of doing my thing. Trust me. He’s got to be the least of your worries.
Find a therapist. It helps.
Be honest with him about where you are, and your intentions. That also helps. But do it when he’s sober. It will likely make him defensive if you decide to do it while he’s drinking.
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I am sorry you are struggling. I too had a hard time for a long time because my husband continued to drink. He still drinks and I am coming up to 600 days sober. A lot of people I know still drink, it is what it is. That isn’t to say it isn’t hard at first when my husband drank around me (nightly), it truly was. I was angry at him, at myself, at a lot of things. Mostly I was confused on how could I stop drinking when my husband drank. Then I kept staying on here, kept reading threads and info from others who had spouses who drank, and those who didn’t, and I learned, really learned that it truly does not matter if someone else is drinking around me, I have 100% control and responsibility over my drinking…no one else…me. Not drinking is MY responsibility, not my husband’s…100% MINE. Once I truly got this, once I internalized it, it made my life a bit easier…it didn’t solve all my issues or cravings, but it did allow me to use my tools to stay sober. Husband drinking? Go to bed early…go to a late night class or the gym…
Go for a walk…read in another room…bake something…distract myself or remove myself or both. Taking responsibility for my sobriety, 100% responsibility, helped me move forward in sobriety AND in my marriage. I adore and appreciate so much about my husband, but I don’t like his drinking much…but, he is where he is at and I am where I am at. Over time, I have found he is MUCH more aware of his drinking and trying to figure out his own path. My path to sobriety took MANY years, so his may as well, or he may never be sober. That is his journey.
Find what works for YOU. Own your stuff and find strength in yourself. Be proud of what you are doing and of yourself. Sometimes it takes a lot of selfishness to get sober…it has to be #1 for a while…allow that and let your husband know where you are at. We grow together or apart…use this app as your sober resource, or meetings if you like, but do know…you CAN get sober with a drinking spouse. Sending strength your way. Oh…the search feature and FAQs have lots of other helpful threads and tips on boyfriend or spouse who drinks. Stay strong.
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Thanks to everyone who responded. You are all correct, whether or not he is drinking has no impact on my sobriety. I know this. I suppose most of the time it does not even bother me. Just once in a while … Maybe it just depends on what mood I am in. I just have to keep reminding myself that my life is SO much better without the alcolol!
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One the bright side, since you are the sober one in the relationship, your are the “designated thinker”. In this scenario, the “flashlight rule” applies. When it gets dark, the one with the flashlight is automatically in charge. Why? because they can see where they are going.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed person is king (or queen).
Keep getting better at getting better, each and every day.
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Well, as a natural introvert, I rarely find myself “relaxed” in front of a bunch of people in a social setting and even when, don’t consider myself in charge of, or responsible for anyone except me and mine. I spent a career leading Marines, fir whom I was accountable for. Now my charge is me and mine.
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I commend you all for starting and staying strong, while living with a spouse who is a drinker (alcoholic or not). I don’t think I could have started this journey at this point in my life with alcohol in my house and/or around me.
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I guess for me it wasn’t fun anymore. It feels like a trap or a prison. He definitely drinks more than a normal person, but he is whole heartedly enjoying himself while he’s doing it. Alcohol is always going to be around me. I guess it’s good practice to see him do it at home and not join in.
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