Hey man. I feel you. I have been there. Not “oh I’ve been really depressed before”, but really end-of-the-road stuck, not for the first time, feeling like I’ve exhausted the options. And not even that long ago.
I’ve been committed to psych about 6 times, it’s not fun, I know the frustration of having it not work and seem like a waste. But it’s not always the same. The last time I went, I got hooked up with new help. This time someone listened that I needed different help, that it didn’t work before, and I am getting different help that is working better than before. I’m starting to believe I can salvage my life and build one I want. You can have this too.
Screw debt right now. Screw jobs. Those are only things to worry about when you get out of crisis. When you’re getting treatment, especially in hospital, there’s often extra help available for things like that. And it sounds like the hospital isn’t going to make the alienation much worse.
Last time it was time to go to the hospital, I really didn’t want to go but knew I needed to. In that state, I wasn’t capable of following through with decisions I needed to make to keep myself safe. So I used the system to my advantage. Let me tell you how that went.
I went to the mental health clinic, and told them what I was thinking and feeling and planning. I didn’t think they could do jack shit to help, but I had promised myself and other people that I would take that step. They told me to go to the hospital. They offered a taxi or ambulance to get me there. Didn’t want an ambulance so they called a taxi, gave me a voucher, and I got taken to the hospital. I got out, really was not ready to go to the hospital again, and left instead of going into the hospital. I wandered for a couple of hours. Police were low-key looking for me at this point because the clinic had told them I was in danger. I went to my parents’ house to wait for them eventually. They (officer and psych nurse) showed up in an unmarked vehicle and were super relaxed and nice about it, and the officer legitimately wanted to see me get help and not because it was his job. Long story short, I couldn’t make myself go to the hospital, but I could do enough to make me get taken. I put it into someone else’s hands and got the support I needed.
Nothing that remotely appeals to you right now. But not nothing.
Ok, so that’s my stern big brother tough talk. Now also know that there are people who do care. For example, for whatever it’s worth, I care. I recognized your username and remembered your story and addiction and how you’ve been struggling and wanted to read this and wanted to respond to this because I care. I wanted to risk you getting frustrated with me for suggesting the hospital because I care. And I’m listening.
Edit: I want to add too, that sometimes it takes more than a few tries or even several to find treatment that works. I can pretty much guarantee there is new stuff to try. A bazillion different meds and types of therapy and treatments that don’t fit under those two categories. I’ve tried a crazy amount of stuff to get where I’m at, and there’s still plenty more left if this doesn’t work out.