Struggling really hard with active suicidal thoughts

I’m a danger to myself. I’m scared, exhausted, angry, hopeless, and alone. I’ve been fighting depression and giving it 100% for 7 years and not only have I not made progress but I’ve only gotten so much worse. At this point I’d give anything to feel like I did when I first thought I was depressed. That was paradise compared to this.

My life is ruined and I can’t fix it. I failed college and can’t go back, have a ton of debt and miserable credit, am stuck living with abusive parents in a house that they’ve neglected for 10+ years, to the point that it’s probably a serious health hazard to even be there. I have no friends, no family who cares, absolutely nobody.

My addiction that I’m on this app for is self harm and I haven’t relapsed yet but I know that I probably will, and it’ll be bad. I know it doesn’t even seem like a “real” addiction so I’m sorry to take up space in this community for it.

I should go to the hospital, but I’ve been committed to a psych unit twice and it was a horrible experience both times, and most of all it obviously didn’t work if I still feel this way. All it did was put me in more debt, make me lose a job and alienate me even more from everyone. I’m not going back. I refuse.

So there’s nothing I can do.

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We are here, we are listening, and we care about you. Take it hour by hour, or even minute by minute. Can you hang on for another hour? Maybe download a stupid free game on your phone and play with that for a while? When you’re in a better place I hope you can get connected with a counselor that can help you. In the meantime, post here as much as you want or need to.

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I hear you Daniel and I am sorry you are feeling hopeless. This is a good place to vent. You may also want to give a call to the suicide prevention hotline, there would be someone there to talk with about what’s going on with you…

1-800-273-8255

Please know that you do matter. And you do not need to suffer alone. Give them a call. :heart:

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Hey man. I feel you. I have been there. Not “oh I’ve been really depressed before”, but really end-of-the-road stuck, not for the first time, feeling like I’ve exhausted the options. And not even that long ago.

I’ve been committed to psych about 6 times, it’s not fun, I know the frustration of having it not work and seem like a waste. But it’s not always the same. The last time I went, I got hooked up with new help. This time someone listened that I needed different help, that it didn’t work before, and I am getting different help that is working better than before. I’m starting to believe I can salvage my life and build one I want. You can have this too.

Screw debt right now. Screw jobs. Those are only things to worry about when you get out of crisis. When you’re getting treatment, especially in hospital, there’s often extra help available for things like that. And it sounds like the hospital isn’t going to make the alienation much worse.

Last time it was time to go to the hospital, I really didn’t want to go but knew I needed to. In that state, I wasn’t capable of following through with decisions I needed to make to keep myself safe. So I used the system to my advantage. Let me tell you how that went.

I went to the mental health clinic, and told them what I was thinking and feeling and planning. I didn’t think they could do jack shit to help, but I had promised myself and other people that I would take that step. They told me to go to the hospital. They offered a taxi or ambulance to get me there. Didn’t want an ambulance so they called a taxi, gave me a voucher, and I got taken to the hospital. I got out, really was not ready to go to the hospital again, and left instead of going into the hospital. I wandered for a couple of hours. Police were low-key looking for me at this point because the clinic had told them I was in danger. I went to my parents’ house to wait for them eventually. They (officer and psych nurse) showed up in an unmarked vehicle and were super relaxed and nice about it, and the officer legitimately wanted to see me get help and not because it was his job. Long story short, I couldn’t make myself go to the hospital, but I could do enough to make me get taken. I put it into someone else’s hands and got the support I needed.

Nothing that remotely appeals to you right now. But not nothing.

Ok, so that’s my stern big brother tough talk. Now also know that there are people who do care. For example, for whatever it’s worth, I care. I recognized your username and remembered your story and addiction and how you’ve been struggling and wanted to read this and wanted to respond to this because I care. I wanted to risk you getting frustrated with me for suggesting the hospital because I care. And I’m listening.

Edit: I want to add too, that sometimes it takes more than a few tries or even several to find treatment that works. I can pretty much guarantee there is new stuff to try. A bazillion different meds and types of therapy and treatments that don’t fit under those two categories. I’ve tried a crazy amount of stuff to get where I’m at, and there’s still plenty more left if this doesn’t work out.

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Please don’t apologise for sharing your thoughts on here. Everyone is going through their own form of addiction. It’s sucks that you feel this way but all I’d say is to keep chugging on. It might not feel like there is a resolution in sight but life can take awesome turns. Keep chatting on here. Keep fighting the fight that you’ve been battling for 7 years. Best of luck

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As all the others said, dont be sorry. Your problems are just as relevant as anyone else here. We’ve all been killing ourselves slowly by our DOCs and many of us have been in that dark place. I agree you definitely should find help and just be totally honest about it not working in the past so they can help find something that will for you. All the best :pray:

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I share your addiction… It’s a special kind of Hell being trapped by your own mind… That’s exactly why we need to be here… We need help too from people that get it… Brother we got you… :blush:

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I’ve been seeing therapists and psychiatrists and taking meds for about 5 years now and just none of it’s helped. I’ve tried the other things like exercise, meditation, eating right whatever. Seems like nothing works

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I’ve done similar things. Both times now I’ve been hospitalized I told other people that I was gonna kill myself knowing they might get me to the hospital but I couldn’t go all of my own initiative. Ended up going and like I said it didn’t do anything. I didn’t even feel like they were trying to help, they were mostly just babysitting. Both times the whole week or so I was there I didn’t get any chance to talk to a therapist counselor whatever, only a psychiatrist once for max 10 minutes. They had group therapy that I didn’t feel comfortable participating in and didn’t apply to me anyway because they were always surrounding topics I couldn’t relate to. It was all around just a waste of time and an even bigger waste of money. Like if I’m gonna be there shouldn’t they at least do something?

I feel like there’s no way for doctors to take me seriously anymore. I even once told the psychiatrist I said if I were not in here right now I’d be dead, we need to seriously do something and he just upped the dose of my med slightly and that was pretty much it. I don’t know what more I can do for anyone to take me seriously. I’ve tried different doctors, therapists, whatever and I literally tell them “I am in immediate danger” and they’re like hm ok let’s up your dose and send you on your way, come back in two months.

I’ve tried around 10 meds, 6 therapists, and 4 psychiatrists and like I said the 2 hospitalizations and none of it has done a thing. And now even if it did it wouldn’t matter because depression has made me ruin my own life. Even if I were mentally healthy my life would be terrible. It’s literally impossible to escape now. Maybe before I burned my life to the ground I could’ve recovered but not now.

Thank you though

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Sorry to hear it’s so rough for you mate. Glad you’re here :pray::sparkling_heart:

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I’ve done the same route Daniel… It didn’t help me neither because with taking meds, being institutionalized, taking a walk, eating right etc could not stop my father from abusing me… None of those things got me to where I was financially stable enough to leave the environment that I was in (which was my main problem that needed to be focused on, not given up on… Putting new ideas and interventions in place such as taking ANY job that I could find, saving up, working extremely hard and getting noticed and promoted did however work out in my favor… Can I give you a suggestion??? I’m gonna, well one of me is lol :joy:… Every day when you first wake up please take as long as you need to but find at least one thing that makes you smile… Don’t care what it is… Don’t care if you have to force yourself… That’s one way to get a foot out the door… You might not be able to change your circumstances surrounding you but you don’t have to go completely opposite like our diseased mind tells us we have to do… It’s lies… Don’t listen… This disorder that we have can consume us… That’s how it works like all addiction… You will make it out… You are so brave in just opening up… :blush:

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Daniel have you given any consideration to possibly seeking out a different way to leave your current environment because you mentioned the abuse… I always told myself when I was trapped in a similar situation that I would survive where I had to be while working hard to get to a place that I can start living… I’m guessing you might not have many friends… I don’t neither but in their defense my disease, mentality, attitude was what pushed them away in many cases… Another suggestion perhaps you should seek out some roommates… You’re still young I’m gathering… There’s a growing number of young people that financially can not afford to live on there own by themselves but if you could team up, share that cost and save in any way that you can towards your dream… You really never know what great things might come your way by stepping out and giving yourself a fair chance… That’s where the smile comes in handy… People who have had a great life do not need to always share our pain (you are extremely wise in venting here on TS where people understand hardships) in order for us to thrive well but by smiling it at least sends the signal out into the world that we are trying… Things like hobbies, walks and eating right are essential in making us feel better, meds are needed in some cases to treat symptoms but ultimately we have to do the work towards the main problem to get us out of the circumstances that we are in… Just a thought man… :blush:

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Dear Daniel,
You have faced many adversities, much pain and despair over many years. You got to the end of your tether, again… You have tried and been prescribed so many different ways and meds to recover but nothing seems to have worked yet…
They say it gets the darkest just before dawn; I hope this is true for you. I pray a dawning light of peace and relief emerge for you soon.
I remember calling UK Samaritans suicide line at about 4 a.m. several years ago. (I was diagnosed with depression in my teens and 45 years later with bipolar / OCD - all self-worth issues at root). The kind samaritan spoke calmly and helped me reconsider what I was thinking of doing. I have had awful times since, with divorce, job and financial loss, but I have been strengthened by the adversity and continue to discover slowly that I am loved and I’m NOT either a failure or hopeless. There IS hope and there is relief for our pain…
Hang in there bro’ - you can do this, we believe in you!

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One day when all of this is past you and you get to where you need to be in life please remember that when your past kicks in mentally and those negative thoughts start to hurt you try to stop it before it consumes you… If you can’t stop it, talk to someone who can… Remember where you were at today and how far that you have made it despite all circumstances that once surrounded you… That is the only way I know how to beat this… :100::100::100:

There is no cure for Depression because Depression is not a problem but rather a symptom/reaction of the actual problem itself… :expressionless:

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Thank you. I’ve been trying to figure out how to live on my own however that might be. It would be with roommates, I’ve been looking around at options. Problem is right now even the cheapest places, just getting a room in a house with roommates is too expensive. I need a better paying job and I’ve been applying like crazy but haven’t heard anything back yet. Everything seems to be working against me.

But yeah I don’t really have friends right now. I pushed them away too with my depression and all that.

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