Smoke because of a stress trigger, happy and smiles all around.
Decides to stop for a bit again and speak to your wife like she is a piece of shit for 2 to 3 days, and after that life is good for a while until he uses again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
I’m hugely grateful that he is no more a daily smoker but in a weird way life was a lot better and easier that way. Mr nice guy, ALL the time.
I’m putting my sobriety above absolutely everything at the moment, but am feeling like the love and respect is waning. I guess I’m changing and Im not numbing out the way I used to do before.
My sponsor says just hand it over to God, but what hope is there for a man who started at age 16 and still smokes at 57 and fully functional I might add.
He tells me he loves me but then why does he hurt me like this? We’ve been married for 20 plus years. Im not sure I want to carry on. In fact I find myself wondering how amazing it must be just to have a normal partner. Whatever normal might be in this crazy day and age.
Sorry to hear you’re having to deal with that. Your wash, rinse, repeat sounds terribly draining. You’ve been together for 20+ years, I’m sure he does love you, but is that the “level” of love you desire?
I’m sorry, but I honestly have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Do you?
I feel all you can do is be honest what he’s doing to you and your relationship. To yourself (as you already are) and to him.
BTW, I started smoking marijuana at age 13. In large amounts. At 50 I was just done with it. But then I let alcohol rule me for another nearly 4 years.
First: wow! I can hear how fed up you are. That must feel like an impossible space to be in: a very taxing environment.
My spouse is not a substance user but there have nevertheless been times when I have been at my wit’s end, and there was one time I began the first steps to a divorce. The reasons: our communication had sunk so low, and our battles had become so frequent, that I didn’t see another way out.
I am fortunate that she was willing to see someone with me. We agreed to go to counselling and it made a big difference. (More specifically: taking action on what we learned in counselling made a big difference.)
There’s a lot of different ways to take action & to make change happen. As the old saying goes, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Change and growth are fundamental to life. If they’re not happening, and both of them - we are creatures of growth! - it’s worth checking the pulse, because I might be dead.
I feel for you, where you are. At the same time, I admire your courage and commitment in recognizing this as a moment where you need to take stock, and make decisions about who you want to be and in what headspace you want to be. You are in a growth moment here. It sucks and it is aggravating and taxing - but it is a moment of decision, and for that, I admire you.
Take heart and never give up. You will find what you need.
Good place to vent and I sure understand. My husband does this with cigarettes. No smoking for years, then picks it up. Within a few months he tries quitting and it goes on and off for weeks. When he is craving and trying to quit, I cannot put up with him. He is such a nice, calm man but when he quits, he treats me like crap. He becomes someone I don’t know, but long to divorce Hang in there, take care of you and keep your boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate. Hopefully he quits for good, and this becomes a distant memory
It’s great that you are putting your sobriety first.
My wife is still drinking. And all I know is, if I’m focused on her drinking. I’m not focusing on my sobriety. Sometimes it’s hard. And it really sucks. But my sobriety is coming first this days.
@Seabee Yes it’s tiring. For the longest time he said MJ is not addictive for him, now at least he says it’s psychologically addictive.
@Mno I know you have faced off so many of your demons. I am really proud of you.
@Matt You are always so caring with absolutely everyone in this community. God bless you for that. I think I’m in a growth moment here too. More determined than ever to not pick up on old addictions. Old because they are no longer part of my life.
@Flower I hear you. Unfortunately cravings turn most of us into nasty people. Strongs to you. It’s not really him, it’s the chemicals and nicotine etc.
@Dazercat Wow, that must be SO hard. Thank God other half’s DOC is not alcohol. He only has max 2 to 3 beers a weekend, but as they say if it’s enough of a priority it really doesn’t matter what other people in your environment are doing. I will check out that thread. Thank you
I’m so sorry ur having to experience this. It can truly be heartbreaking Its so tough when ur not only dealing with ur own stuff, but then getting treated poorly at home due to someone else’s use of drugs and that sort of cycle is sooo draining
I had an ex who was in this cycle of using (he’d be happy and treated me well for the most part when he was high… well more so when he was picking up the drugs. Then he’d start to be a real ass to me about half way thru his stash and a real jerk until he got his next fix). I realized later on that I was just enabling his using bcuz I didn’t want to have to deal with the verbal and mental abuse. He too would say he loved me… but love is an action word. And quite frankly his actions said otherwise I would end up fantasizing about what could be, if our relationship was “normal”, if he didn’t use, if he was a kinder more caring person. I found myself comparing my relationship to others relationships too. Which further depressed me. It’s much easier to see the flaws in our relationship once we get clean I find.
Even with my relationship now with my hubby… we are both clean 9 days. And I do notice things (not just with him, but me too), about how we interact with one another. Someday it is really good and some days not so much. Communication is hard one for us. I do agree with ur sponsor about handing it over to God. Easier said then done sometimes bcuz u are around ur hubby daily and are unfortunately subjected to all that. I often would ask God for the inner strength to deal with this situation and to find a sense of peace in my life. And then I’d pray for my ex and try to focus on alot of self care praying things get sorted out for u and him… hugs!
@Butterflymoonwoman I must have read your post at least 4 times it comforted me so much. It’s like you totally get what I’m going through. Thank you
So proud of you and your hubby. Nine days is big, hopefully you can just forge forward in a positive way and strengthen your relationship more and more.
If there is one thing I’ve come to learn with addictions, the more “we go back”, slip or relapse the harder it gets. @Mno put up a brilliant post about the dragon, always hungry, always waiting. So apt. It referred to nicotine but really it’s all just the same.
We can’t change others, only ourselves so like you I will pray that God will give me strength to deal with everything. The Serenity Prayer is powerful.
For what it’s worth we have just had a long talk and I told him exactly how I feel. I’m no angel either but I really do need more TLC now than before. I’m not numbing out and I’m really feeling stuff more than I normally do.
Hang in there, take care of you and keep your boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate. Hopefully he quits for good, and this becomes a distant memory 
Its so tough when ur not only dealing with ur own stuff, but then getting treated poorly at home due to someone else’s use of drugs and that sort of cycle is sooo draining 
praying things get sorted out for u and him… hugs!