Works been hard this week. Struggling to adjust to an increased work load and change of routine for my wife. I’ve started to “glamorise” using in my head. Imagining the thrill of picking up, that first hit, the idea of not knowing where the night will lead….
But I know it’s all false. It only leads to destruction. We are still financially recovering from my previous relapses over a year ago. I know I have no control once started. The voice in my head is trying to convince me otherwise. It’s a false voice, we know this but it doesn’t mean it stops. It gets louder in times like this. I trained for an hour tonight and that helped, then my body started to give out on me. Once I’m in bed tonight I’ll feel the relief, I know I won’t be sat somewhere ignoring my phone ringing with people who are worried about me and I haven’t spent hundreds or even thousands on nothing but misery. I know all this is true. It just seems a long way away at the moment.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard day, but I think something really important for you to try is writing down all the negative things that would happen if you picked up again along with the possible consequences. Alongside that, make a list of all the beautiful gifts you’ve been given since being in recovery. I think it’s so important to write these things down every so often as a gentle reminder of how far you’ve come, because I am a firm believer that physically writing it down, reading it, and truly processing it goes a long way. I hope you have a restful weekend and take care of yourself.
You do know where the night will lead. Fight your brain’s glamorization of use with memories from your last relapse because picking up again will go exactly as poorly as your last one did, possibly worse.
I get phrases like this in my head sometimes too and I can usually satisfy my desire for chaos with a little bit of novelty. Go for a long walk in a place you’ve always wanted to visit. Try a new style of food. Push yourself out of your comfort zone in a healthy way. Don’t pick up.
Glad you are sharing here. What drugs or alcohol can give you is totally false. Just keep going one minute at a time until your head hits the pillow, and tomorrow you can wake up with pride not regret.