Hi @Tinamarie and welcome! This is a great place to vent and doubt and question. I get a lot of benefit from shining my crazy out into the world in AA meetings and here. I find that if I don’t keep it bottled up inside me, it can’t explode and overwhelm me.
I did drink all day and all night and caused commotion, went to rehab twice and to jail for 5 DUI arrests. I also drank at home to blackout. I had two little kids at home at the end of my drinking - they were too young to know that my behavior wasn’t right, but I definitely let them down and neglected them. I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time before I quit, close to 20 years of knowing it and still drinking. The knowing it and the persistence in drinking was real hell.
It’s not the external consequences of drinking or the amount I drank that define me as an alcoholic. It’s that I lost my soul to drinking, my connection to anything outside my selfish, sick and twisted thoughts. And when I got sober, I got my soul back. I’m again a member of the human race and a citizen of the universe.
Blessings on your house.