Struggling today on quit or just cut back

Hi @Tinamarie and welcome! This is a great place to vent and doubt and question. I get a lot of benefit from shining my crazy out into the world in AA meetings and here. I find that if I don’t keep it bottled up inside me, it can’t explode and overwhelm me.

I did drink all day and all night and caused commotion, went to rehab twice and to jail for 5 DUI arrests. I also drank at home to blackout. I had two little kids at home at the end of my drinking - they were too young to know that my behavior wasn’t right, but I definitely let them down and neglected them. I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time before I quit, close to 20 years of knowing it and still drinking. The knowing it and the persistence in drinking was real hell.

It’s not the external consequences of drinking or the amount I drank that define me as an alcoholic. It’s that I lost my soul to drinking, my connection to anything outside my selfish, sick and twisted thoughts. And when I got sober, I got my soul back. I’m again a member of the human race and a citizen of the universe.

Blessings on your house. :pray:

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@Tinamarie
Dan has said it so … eloquently.
This is your alcoholic brain trying to trick you.
Ask yourself a serious question here.
“Did you feel comfortable with your drinking”
Because the fact that your here tells me your not.
And you need to stay strong and think about your live without alcohol.

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I’m on day three myself, and it’s almost bedtime. I know I’m going to make it through. I normally get stuck in an every 3 Day rut. You can do it! Stick to your guns!

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This is so true “I lost my soul to drinking”

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Tinamarie I am on Day 10 (just hit double digits woo hoo!). My drinking patterns are like yours, mostly drinking at home in the evenings, sometimes forgetting things I talked with my family about the next day. Somebody on another thread call that rationalization you talk about “the lizard voice in your head” and that sounds about right to me. It leads to nothing good. For me I have reached the point where I have to look in the mirror and just say dude you are an alcoholic. Maybe able to function in society and keep it (mostly) under wraps, but still an alcoholic. So now what am I going to do about it? Got to have zero tolerance. Stick with it, and thank you for sharing. I look forward to this journey with you on this forum!!

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There will always be worse or better stories than our own, but what really matters is we all share a common theme: addiction. I hope you are able to be real honest with yourself and quit for you. It’s a very challenging but most liberating experience!

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Hi @Tinamarie! Play the tape back— meaning what will happen if you DON’T have success by controlling your drinking and you have another episode wacky blackout in front of your kids? How will that feel? What would happen?

We never really know how the evening will end, right? If you could control your drinking, wouldn’t you have done it by now?

Just think about it before you pick up that drink. You are worth it.

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Hey :wave:

I can relate to this. I didn’t even drink every day, good job, good life etc. Definitely no real bad consequences of my drinking. But the more I read and listened to the stories of ‘proper alcoholics’ (whatever that means!) the more I realised how much we have in common, in our attitudes and behaviours. Does it really matter what makes you want to stop drinking - surely the thing is you reached a point where you said I’ve had enough.

The thoughts you’re having, trying to rationalise and find an excuse to drink are totally normal. Alcohol is an addictive substance and it can mess with your head like this. Recognise those thoughts for what they are! If you want to be rational, think about how long you were drinking for, how did cutting back and moderating go for you in the past and what would really be different this time?

3 days is GREAT but I bet you were drinking for a lot longer. Give the sobriety thing a shot and see what happens when those days keep adding up :blush:

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Good morning @Tinamarie. You know we all came here for a reason. And this is our addiction. I downloades this app last year in November but only half heartedly. Had so many resets because exactly if the reasons you listed above. I read through all the stories here and thought ah come on im not that bad. OK it’s true. Never drove drunk. Always woke up in bed. My children never complained because I was too drunk (but that’s only because they are too small to yet understand). I was a highly functional alcoholic. Always got up in the morning and made it to work.

But I myself wanted to change something in my horrible life. I would wake up every night. Sweating. Full of guilt. Full of shame. Had to get up to down a litre of water. Then had to pee every 10min. Then I woke up. The morning with an alcohol breath in my mouth and a terrible headache. I didn’t make it through the day without any painkillers in the end. And I decided I didn’t want this life anymore.
Now I’m on day 15 (longest I can think of) and I don’t want to ever go back. I’m hundred percent clear in my head. Best mood ever. In better shape physically and psychologically. And of course it is a struggle sometimes and then this little voice comes into your brain and gets louder trying to trick you into drinking. I had this yesterday and I told the voice to fuck off. Come here often. Talk and you will get soooo much support. Let’s struggle and fight together

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Hello. If you are drinking to blackout at home by yourself then moderation is not likely to work. As someone who doesn’t not have an off switch either, there is no amount of eating before, pacing yourself, avoiding shots, only light beer, etc… that will be successful for me. It’s just our minds trying to trick us. You are only on day 3. Give yourself a few weeks at least to feel what waking up sober is like, having full memory function, money in your pocket and no embarrassing regrets. Try it… you might like it. :wink:

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This runs through my mind a whole lot and this same exact thought process is what sets me back. It’s so weird it’s almost as if I’m a child and they tell you you can only have one candy out of the bowl or one cookie out of the cookie jar. If you don’t have one you really don’t get the taste for it and it’s easier to handle but if you get a taste, the addiction kicks in and you just want more. It’s almost as if you begin to rationalize it… “I’m not a child. I can control myself. I don’t need to end up drunk. One or two will make me feel good then I’ll stop. I work hard. I pay my bills. I DESERVE this.” These are what I call sober rationalization. Yes all of these thoughts can very well be true when you are sober, HOWEVER, something happens to the brain when you get that first drink in you and all those normal thoughts about cutting back go out the window. That feeling kicks in and you just want to feel it longer and harder and so you drink another one. And another one. And another one. And this, my friend, is where the story takes a turn for the worst. Where all those fantasies about control disappear and you’re right back to square one. Drunk, uncontrollable, uninhibited and with a morning of regret inevitably awaiting. The good news: It’s ok. None of us here have control. It’s a common thing and every single day you see people living amazing lives in recovery and see that’s it is possible and that will keep you going in the direction you need to go!!! I’ve tried the “cutting back method” and I hate to say it but in theory it works out but when you put it to practice, it fails miserably.

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You’re doing so well quitting alcohol. High five! :raised_hand:
To be honest although you have no record you are drinking still to the point when almost all the time ending in blackouts embarrassing your kids. The thing with drinking is that it drags you down to the bottom always, for some it happens slowly, for the others with high speed.
You may be able to control your intake at first but soon you’ll find yourself in the same place where you decided to quit last time. If not worse. There’s a really interesting thread in this forum about it. I’ll try to find it for you.
Wishing you a great sober time!

Edit: Sorry, I sound too harsh. I should go to tough love thread :grinning:

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I was for 5 years sober. Before I drank like you: just at home, no dui, no jail, kept my job, kept my husband, kept my house. A high function alcoholic so to speak. But at one day I had enough of the black outs, the hiding bottles, the hangover and the guilt, so I quit.
I stayed sober for 5 years and thought I was “cured”. So started to drink again, trying moderation. The first month it worked really well, but then I started to drink more and more. My head was making overtime by thinking: when can I drink, how many can I drink, etc. I was back in my old drinking days :cry:
So I quit again. I learned one thing: I’m NEVER cured! I’m addicted for life.
So this is it! Sober life I’m gonna stay this time! :heart:

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Good to come here and vent. What is going on in your mind is your addicted brain feels threatened and is trying to negotiate its continued existence with your rational sober brain:

“You don’t have a problem. Compare yourself to those drunks at your meeting. You aren’t that bad off”.

“Sure, you drink until you blackout, but you aren’t hurting anyone. Your kids will understand when they are older and have to deal with adult problems.”

"Hey, how about a compromise? Just a couple every night. That’s not so bad. You can handle that. I’ll make sure you stop at a couple. Maybe you don’t need the whole bottle, but half the bottle helps you. Whaddayasay? Can we make this work?

I can’t count the number of times I had this same conversation in my mind, when I was trying to moderate my way through. I hadn’t had a DUI, or made a huge spectacle, lost a job, smacked my wife, yelled at my daughter. I was “functional”. I was also a slow-motion trainwreck.

Re-read that bit you wrote about all the things you aren’t doing, except after every statement add the word “yet”. “I haven’t had a dui… yet”. Then look at what you are doing and just take it to the next level: “I drink until blackout as soon as the kids are off to school. I’m passed out when they come home.” This is where the road leads. Might as well know the terms and conditions that would apply to any deal you make with your addiction, at least that’s the way I see it.

You’ve decided to be better, and you are better. Keep getting better at getting better. Better today than you were yesterday and tomorrow better still…but only if you stay sober. Sober is better.

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No! You are not too harsh! Exactly what I need! The part about the blackouts and embarrasing my kids really hit. Those were my 18 year olds exact words to be the next afternoon after a real bad incident where only my kids and sons gf were there. I have mo memory of the things he told me happened. But my oldest moved out the next day and my daughter still barely speaking to me. So it must have been damn bad. I thank you for your tough love! And if you think of the thread you mentiined please let me know. Thank you. :purple_heart:

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Wow. Pretty damn spot on id say. Those are exactly what my brain is saying to me. Its so strange. Its like im haveing a battle with myself in my head. I was so set last night when i came to work that i was going to at least try moderation first starting tonight on my night off, then if that dont work ill jump right back on.
So many wonderful responses im blown away. I keep reading them. I feel my mindset is back to where it should be right now. Gonna hit a meeting later and if my alcohol brain starts up on me again ill jump back on here. Thank you all for your fast replies. :purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:

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Cutting back always works in the beginning but somehow I’d end up drinking even more not too long after because I would forget what alcohol did to me and always wanted more.
Quit. Dont rationalize how you can still keep drinking. You have too much to lose.

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I feel like I fit this to the T. I am only on day 2 and I always drink in the evenings and nights. I can function all day long and work my 10 hours shifts for 5 days a week and even an occasional 5 hour on Saturday but the moment I’m not at work or I’m not going to a class (out for summer so it’s gotten worse) I’m stopping for shooters or a bottle. I haven’t gotten in trouble with the law or anything but I usually never remember a conversation with my family. I make promises and forget letting them down. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one

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Wow. I felt like i could have written that!
Im now on day 6 and that has gotten a bit better. Its not constant when. Im at home now. It seems to be worse for me about an hour before im getting off work. Im thinking im gonna stop and get a bottle. My car even starts to go that way. Trying new things in the evening that i didnt do before. Even watching different shows that werent ones i would have drinks watching. Its hard af!! One day at a time. Thats the truth

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