Struggling with suppressed feelings

Does anyone else have a deep inner sadness they just can’t shake? I was put into care at 2 and me and my brother were split up from our sister. Just last week I found out my mother has 5 more kids and my father has 6 more. I knew my mother had a family in england but I didn’t know about my fathers. I never talked to him but noticed a live video of him he tagged my brother in and two different women called him daddy. Very strange but it brought up hidden feelings that I didn’t even know were there. I don’t know if it’s anger but there is this awful sadness all the time. Any advice? P.s my parents were travellers and my mother hopped in a taxi one day and I guess my father was in the pub or something because we we were found in an empty caravan by social services.

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@Gerard_O_Connor that’s a lot to take in and it makes sense there are a lot of unresolved feelings. I’d encourage you to seek a therapist to process some of those deeper feelings.

Journaling helps too

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Yes I guess therapy would help. I almost afraid to open the lid on it all as I had it buried for so long. The recent events has made it harder to keep buried.

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Can totally relate with that. It’s almost like opening Pandora’s box, not knowing what will come from it. I’d look for a therapist who takes their time and has experience working with trauma.

I just had my own intitial appointment to look into my disorganization and not being able to complete tasks. Listing out how I was during childhood definitely opened that lid. It’s good in one way as I can see what made me who I am but also the associated feelings can be uncomfortable

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When I was in rehab I was going to start talking about it the first week and the counsellor said 'no, I can tell by your eyes there’s alot of pain there. Too much too let out this early in recovery. Well 5 years later and that was as close as I got. My eyes do give away alot though. Well done on finding the strength to talk about it with a therapist, it couldn’t have been easy.

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Well seems like you’re headed in the right direction then :slight_smile: growing pains of recovery. Necessary discomfort I guess lol

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There is so much more. Physical abuse was a regular thing in my care home but even at a very young age I knew me and my brothers only shot at a normal life was stability which meant denying everything to social workers. It took it’s toll though. I had a ridiculous amount of suicide attempts before I was 12. All with the intention of killing myself but I guess I was too young to really know even what I was doing. I mean I tried to overdose on anadin but thought you had to chew them so I could only take a small amount. It still made me sick but it was manageable. I drank bleach, white spirits and put endorats rat poison which is a flakey one in bread and ate it… all that ever happened was I got a headache and got sick from the white spirits. I never told anyone about these attempts. I guess the reason i’m saying this is the inner sadness i’m feeling is scaring me because it reminds me of how I felt as a child. I certainly don’t think I will harm my self and I have no inclination to do it but I would rather deal with my feelings before they are too much to cope with. Wow i’m sorry for the essay guys.

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@Gerard_O_Connor, I agree with @Redemption and @Benedictine - a good trauma therapist who will take a sensitive and careful approach is important. My own experience of keeping things bottled up led to an eventual explosion that was confusing and scary. It was very unexpected when it came out and was triggered by circumstances way out of my control. It took a bit to untangle the issues and find the right therapist, but hopefully now I’m on the right track. I hope and pray you are able to find your way with this and be able to heal and find peace and serenity around such an important issue. Matters to do with our families of origin can be so complex and challenging and I’m sending :two_hearts::two_hearts: your way.

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It’s deep man. It shows how aware you are about how difficult things were back then. I’m glad you’re here man

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Oh man, my heart is totally with yours! Please go see a good therapist, I think it’s time. Bottling it up never helps anything, it will always come back if you dont heal it. You know, allowing yourself to acknowledge and feel it just as you are is an excellent start! Hugs my friend. Know we are here for anything we can do and I’m so glad you shared. :heart::heart::heart:

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Thank you, that means alot. There is also the added pressure of my partner (with good intentions) trying to get me to reconnect with my father but I have heard he is a dangerous man and I have 2 young kids and the last thing I want to do is introduce people who I don’t trust into their lives. As for my mother she is off the grid so there’s no reconnecting there. It’s funny I have this real block against my father but I can never hate my mother even though all the facts say I should. Apparently on one of her visits here she tried to leave her disabled son in the hospital and go back to England. I guess I have empathy for her as I see myself in her. I just don’t feel that about my father.

One step at a time my friend. Lots to unpack. Listen to your instincts

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Thank you for your understanding and advice. I appreciate it.

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