Survivor(?) of infidelity

Emotional Support
1

first time here and poting; please bear with me…
I first got sober 6 years ago in a great rehab facility. came home, got busy with local AA mtgs, but did NOT work the steps. surprise- relapse 4 years in!
so 1/23/19 is my new sobriety date (now at about nine months)

I’ve been married for over 20 years and have 5 remarkable kids with a husband that I love truly, madly and deeply. he encouraged me to get sober in the first place, and has been supportive throughout, & managed to be a wonderful parent and guide to our kids even as I was self-destructing with alcohol.

but he finally had enough. he moved out in january (to his mom’s house nearby), which served me well, as I had been deceitful, hurtful, and selfish in my drinking. I was able to focus on my recovery, found a sponsor, and really dug into my program. I feel so completely different this time through, and continue to seek counsel from my sponsor, attend mtgs regularly, take meds, stepwork, daily reflections, service work, etc. sobriety is my priority.

here’s the thing: he met a woman in al-anon and had a brief sexual and emotional affair that lasted about 2 months. when she threatened to tell me (it’s a small town, and I know her), he hit his bottom and admitted the whole thing to me. I believe he deeply regrets it. he knows he broke my heart, and the affair is definitely over. we each have personal counselors and attend marriage counseling together as well. despite the damage we’ve done to each other, we still have love and committment to our family in common.

there are days when I feel we have a future together, when I see it through the AA lens… “can’t change the past, live in the moment, 24 hours a day, hurt people hurt people, etc. (insert bumper sticker slogan here)”
my sponsor and counselors encourage me to find a way to “deal with it” since I can’t change it. I have tried talk therapy and EMDR for trauma. but it’s not getting better. I have seen her out at the mall (he hasn’t seen her since the affair), and triggers are everywhere in our small town to remind me of what happened (he shared some of the details, ie, where they met, how many times, etc.).

I know that I have strength, but the humility angle of AA is at odds with my sense of self-respect: how can I forgive/“get over it” when it’s constantly on my mind and in my broken heart?

husband has “drawn boundaries” around the topic of infidelity, so that he feels safe (yes, I get angry and tend to attack out of my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed). but what am I supposed to do with these feelings?? I do not crave alcohol anymore, and my spiritual ground is solid enough that I don’t want to drink the feelings away.

I feel like I’m at a fork in the road… stay, loving him and bearing the secret & pain for the rest of my life.
or leave, still loving him, but cauterizing the pain by moving on with our lives separately.
believe it or not, I still respect and love him, but might my resentment/inability to forgive just lead to more heartbreak down the road?

if you’re still with me after this long post, thanks for listening. we have decided that being discreet is best for our family, and what good would telling do anyway? but this means that I can’t talk about it (in meetings, or with family/friends), and I don’t know where else to look for suggestions.

your thoughts/experiences are greatly appreciated.

12 Likes
2

Such an emotional post and I can read how painful this has been. Has your husband ever said what drove him to this? Also, forgive me if I speak out of place but the boundaries you speak of are very controlling and do seem to obstruct and isolate you. The way I understand it is that it’s about saving face. What about the actual relationship? Surely he understands that you need to be able to talk to your closest if you wish!
Again I hope I haven’t overstepped but it seems loaded one way.

2 Likes
3

Hello and welcome. There are no guide books to take you through life but I would like to congratulate you on nine months sober, as confusing as it may seem now it would be much harder drunk or high. Well done.

2 Likes
4

A marriage where both are willing to work toward reconciliation, will be saved. Grace is needed here. Grace for the pain your addiction caused him, and grace for his infidelity.

Grace covers a multitude of sin.

I would highly recommend getting a copy of “The Love Dare”, and seriously consider working that plan. Also, if possible, attend a Weekend To Remember marriage retreat, offered through Family Life Today.

You both are in my prayers.

2 Likes
5

Hard one hopefully you guys can work it out wish you well

6

Hey @amil,
I am an addict as well. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Though our addictions differ the story of my marriage has some parallels.

I was acting out with my own drug of choice, I had unreasonable expectations of her. I pushed beyond her boundaries and one day she felt like sabotaging everything because I wasn’t listening and I wasn’t changing. Although I had started to understand that I had an unhealthy idea of sexuality, I hadn’t gotten into recovery.
That was 6 years ago when she stepped out. We’re still together and there’s been a lot of strife. We also live in a small town and I often see the person she acted out with, or his family. It’s hard but it does get better. We both inflicted wounds that have left many scars. I can’t answer for what what your next step should be. There are still days when I question whether we should remain together. To some degree, I think that’s present in most marriages. I will say that time does wonders for processing all of this. That’d and your mutual recognition for the hurt you’ve inflicted with a commitment to making amends by staying in recovery or therapy or whatever else might be required to heal. Hopefully you can speak about this with your counselor or in marriage counseling? I do feel that you need to have some outlet to sort through those feelings.

You are not alone in your heartbreak. Allow yourself the time and space to be unsure and to begin the work of determining the path forward. Whatever that may be, you’ll be ok and you will experience those promises they talk about in the rooms. Just remember that your value is not diminished by the actions of others. You are writing a new chapter where you get to decide the life you want to live.

3 Likes
7

I have posted here many times that my wife’s affair saved our marriage.
My drinking drove her to someone else. I really left her no choice.

Our story is similar to yours. I got sober. We went to counseling and today 3 years later we are better and closer than ever.

As to your question. Have you ever thought that the affair was Devine intervention?? I know that we would be divorced and I would be drunk if my wife never had an affair. Period.

So yeah, it helped me to think of it like that. EVERYTHING happened just the way it had to happen. If one thing had changed then we would not have found each other again.

Give page 416 417 in your big book a read. That helped me forgive her a lot

7 Likes
8

Hello.
I read your article and can relate to the setbacks of lashing out.
Forget the affair. Forgive.
But you also have to discuss and communicate about your hurting.
No boundaries.
Talk.
Discuss it outside the home on a long drive.
Then no one can walk away in anger.

Then…agree together…to let it go.
Love …true love conquers all.

I read it in your article.

Learn from this. Spend the next few years discovering your love again.
The drinking is part of your pain removal.
Forgive yourself.
You are doing great!!!

2 Likes
9

Hi @amil, I was the one who committed the act of infidelity in my marriage. And more than once. The second time my wife found out about my behavior she was beyond devastated. After the first time we had agreed to only tell the pastor at our church, our therapist, and I talked about it at my 12 step meetings (I’m a sexaholic). But after round two my wife feel like she had no support network. She needed someone to talk to and I told her to tell whoever she needed. She told her mother and one of our best friends. Those relationships will never be the same, but if we had gotten divorced that wouldn’t have mattered anyway and the truth would still have come out. We tell the people that we think can handle the information and give us some level of support in return, this doesn’t include most people in our lives but it does include a few.

The book After the Affair also helped us. We shared a copy and had our own color highlighter that we would use when we read. Sometimes we would write notes in the margin too. Then we’d pass the book back and forth after each chapter and talk about the things that stood out to us. Something to think about.

Have you talked to your sponsor about this?

2 Likes
10

This is a really great suggestion on how to communicate in a different way or get a conversation started on different aspects of an issue.

3 Likes
11

Sometimes infidelity is just a symptom of relationship in trouble. I know it hurts. But it’s possible to get over with it, either together or separated. I did eventually forgive my husband and also myself kind of pushing him to that direction with my behaviour while still drinking.

We got separated, but because of his drinking I couldn’t stand anymore being sober myself. Well, maybe me respecting him got seriously damaged when I saw his weakness, so it was probably the start for a snowball getting bigger.

Councelling helped me a lot to accept that we cannot go on together anymore and gave me strength to make that difficult decision.

Wish you strength girl :muscle: it’s not easy

2 Likes
12

Deep forgiveness is the key and time. I suffered infidelity in my own family and my brother was destroyed but miraculously they are together and working this issue together. The decision to forgive is really important and the Higher Power if you believe in God