Terrified of hitting rock bottom .. again

Hi everyone. I have had anxiety and panic attacks since i was 15 which was the time i was prescribed Xanex. This meant that since that age i relied on substances to escape my anxiety. I am reaching 30 and have had a few stints sober, the longest lasting 3 months. But up until recently I was in denial. I was keeping it for the weekends but would knock myself out, avoiding my friends for the weekend because of my violent hangovers.

My job and untreated anxiety got to me so much that I first hit “rock bottom” drinking vodka on the way to work and calling in sick multiple times to drink. No one would have guessed it, you wouldnt either if you saw me. I then did multiple binges which landed me in hospital 6 times this year. But also “sobered up” many times and still not seeking councilling. Sober I am great at work, fit, confident but as soon as I touch a drink I cant help but binge and keep on binging.

After having another mental breakdown this weekend I finally told my job that I needed to take extended leave for my mental health… and Im terrified of having another drink ever again. How do you remind yourself to abstain? Even if it has been 3 months - 5 years

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Hi there and welcome to TS! I think it’s great to be taking a leave to focus on your sobriety. I suffered from anxiety and take medication for it. That being said, getting alcohol out of my system thoroughly helped with my anxiety. I left my job for 5 months in March of 2021 to get sober after trying for years. Have been sober for 19 months. I went to rehab, did an IOP, participate in local AA, joined The Luckiest Club for online meetings, walk outside everyday weather permitting and have never been better. I also have a therapist. I’ve read a lot about the science of what alcohol does to our brains and bodies. Do you have a plan in place? Lots of great resources here.

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Welcome to the forum :blush:

Now you recognise the problem its time to seek solutions, not drinking is the first one but it needs to be backed up with action.
You said you hadn’t tried counselling/therapy, why not look into it, why not try meetings, be 100% honest with your Dr so they can help.

Alcohol is a depressant so a period of sobriety will start helping that.

Try not to overfocus on the future none of us know what’ll happen. Keep choosing sobriety, daily, see how it impacts your life, the quality of your life will improve, your physical and mental health will improve, you’ll see changes that mean if and when you get the urge you’ll remind yourself of what you’ll lose and instead continue to choose sobriety.

Just for today, deal with today…

You’re not doing this alone :hugs:

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Hi there, ive been in a similar position, honestly im listening to Allen Carrs easy way at the moment, really changes your outlook on alcohol, its great i cant recommend it enough

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Hi Lee thanks for the advice. I have booked into seeing a therapist weekly which will help a lot I think. So far my plan is to take time off to focus on the right steps. Your 5 months inspires me to not rush into work again straight away. I have looked into AA and have attended SMART groups in the past, something that would be good to pick up again !

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If you are at the gift of desperation you will be willing to do anything to change and get off that hamster wheel so do you think you have suffered enough yet are you done? If so I would advise maybe AA there are people there who have walked in your shoes and can help praying for you :pray:t2:

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Yes I am thibking of giving it another go now that I dont overwork and can finally commit to it regularly :slightly_smiling_face:

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Maybe try some meetings. You will find people who have been through what you are going through. It’s gotten me through 5 years and 10 months of sobriety. I couldn’t have done it by myself.

Also, get a sponsor right away, or someone you can call or text when the urges to drink come. The meeting secretary should be able to help you.

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Reading on this site what happens when people relapse is enough to keep me reminded. And seeing what has happened to people I have known who relapsed and died, or fallen through the cracks of life and disappeared has helped too. Remembering I am no different from them and understanding the same thing will happen to me if I start drinking again…

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Hi steve, that is a great idea. I did relapse and had the worst withdrawals from it i was up for two nights just reading this blog. There are some great stories on here that i can look at later in my sobriety to keep me grounded…

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The opposite is also true, the people who don’t relapse and turn their lives around are an inspiration. That hope keeps me going. :+1:

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