Its been a long rough relationship with alcohol. I realize now that I was using it to fill the void of lonliness. I had my first drink at 12. I was unsupervised at home for the first time in my life and my parents left the liquor out. I was the queen bee of all my friends during high school. I would call people to bring orange juice to school cuz “I had that poland spring bottle”. I spent years not being able to drink orange juice after I stopped drinking vodka cuz it was bad for me so i moved onto whisky. Me, jack and jamie had a few good years until i started to become an angry drunk. I then chose to stay away from hard liquor as I would become an uncontrollable tiny wrath force of doom ready to take everything and anyone down with me. So I put away the hard liquor and moved into a beer only lane. This time wasnt bad at all really. I learned to enjoy beer for its flavor and not to get trashed. I had some form of control so I felt better about my relationship with alcohol. During the beer times I didnt have any problems. I was doing yoga classes (2-3hrs at a time), spending no time in bars and getting closer to nature. Last year I found myself in a new enviornment with a new group of people who liked to drink, rage drink really. I thought I could handle it. I was ready. I wanted to. I love to rage. I was wrong. All the same symptoms started coming back. The blackouts, the puking, the shame, the unhappiness then eventually the emotional overwhelming of myself upon myself that turns into incredible sadness then rage.
Im 5ft tall, for new years I killed a personal bottle of jameson for breakfast, cried myself back to sleep (passing out), woke up to find it dark outside, I hadnt eaten and no where to order food from. I spent the next three days recouperating. Forcing myself to eat anything I could order so thered be something in my stomach. I didnt learn my lesson.
This passed weekend I went to a wedding. My boyfriend was a groomsman. Im so proud of him, he looked so handsome and he was doing all the things a groomsman does. I watched him as i sipped from manhattan…and then another and another and some beer and the next thing…no fucking clue. I had to find out from him what my behavior was. I was so nervous and anxious about being in a new enviornment doing something Im not used to with a bunch of people I didnt know that I basically sabotaged myself. I was the drunk person at the wedding. I cant take that back. Im stuck with these no-memories and I just want to apologize to everyone who had to witness me in that state.
The profile picture I chose is of me when i was getting ready to leave. May it serve as a reminder to me of the consequences of what I dont remember doing at all.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are in the right place. That’s also how I felt when I would black out - I had to get the stories of my behavior from other people. Really scary when you can’t remember what you drank, what you said, how you got home, etc.
@Elisabeth There is so much truth to that. I think the scariest of all is not knowing how you got home. Im from ny and when i was younger id get so hammered id walk through the turnstyle and then end up in bed. I used to brag about how awesome it was to live across the street from a bar and how much safer my drinking was until i woke up one morning and couldnt remember walking across the street and opening doors. le sigh i didnt think how bad that memory was going to effect me later. I know im not but i still cant help but feel like such a loser. I know better.
I totally feel all those emotions as I read your post…I’m sure most of us here do. You start the event/evening with good intentions…how did it get so bad so fast!?!
Stop beating yourself up about what’s done and over. Time will heal that and the shame you feel acutely will fade, but hopefully the lesson you learned will stay with you. I’m only into my 6th day sober, but already I’m so grateful to think of NEVER having a night again where I’m the drunk one. That is worth it!! Give staying sober a shot!!
Same here…at the end of my drinking career, I was blacking out every single time. The last time, I fell on gravel after tripping on a curb and cut up half of my face. It could of been a lot worse. The embarrassment, the guilt…is overwelming. Straight up, I just can’t drink.
Apart from my binging I have bigger issues to resolve. I need the binging to stop so my mental vehicle can stop sputtering and breaking down. Being unemployed is going to help majorly cuz ive no money to spend but ive no money to put in my car to escape to a mountain for a few hours. Now that ive settled on taking myself seriously, I need to find a real job. Not some dead end thing where i end up the upsoken anything or get used for the temporary benefit of someone else.
Lifes been pretty hard since august last year and alcohol isnt helping me move forward.
Yes, you need to find a job, but I wouldn’t worry about the details of it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is to focus solely on your sobriety and recovery. After that you can focus on the other details of your life and get them squared away.
I got so ashamed when I couldn’t remember. I used to be happy go lucky about it, “yeah I was smashed, I don’t remember shii!” Almost like it was funny and I was one of those stupid memes you see with cats laying on the ground looking wasted. Not sure when it got to that point when I became pretty scared that I couldn’t remember. Maybe when it started happening all the time.
This is so sad…I am going through the same. I was sober for 6 years…then I started to drink. I been hospitalized several times, dehydration, it’s been hard. Doctor says it is going to kill me. I am starting all over again…I have to stop we have the stop drinking. Thanks for sharing your story.
I have to say putting it out there like that really made a difference in how I have been accepting what happened and how I need to move on from that with greater goals in mind. I am really happy to have made the decisionI made and choosing the app I did. Everyone here has a clear will to live and to live well but yaknow, life’s hard. So thank you all for taking time out to read about and support a stranger and everyone else here.