The 10.000 Relapse

Relapses
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Over 50 days no alcohol and relapsed 2 days ago… i am so angry of myself!
It was a “classic” binge… just tried one drink, just to get that fuzzy, warm feeling again…(and no there wasnt really a trigger that time) jep, one drink as usual turned into over 1 bottle of wine…
Then the thoughts started again…i am so rude and in the mood for confrontation. Just things I buried within me for some time. I wrote a ex co worker why he didnt want contact or never write me… i cant remember all of it (deleted it of course) … this is not my style…i am a direct person but those messages out of nowhere??? Come on…i feel so stupid again. Well, its just one more topic on my “how to embarrass myself”- list.

Had 2 days of shitty sleep and still feel the poison in my body.

Anyway, I am still proud of those 50 days and one relapse is not the end bc I refuse to give up sobriety!
I start over again and dont want to look back. These 50 days where the best of the last 10 years… now i remember again why alcohol isnt for me…it brings out all the bad thougts and behaviour in a person.
We keep going. Thank you for listening!

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@Promilla1987 I’m sorry for your relapse, but remember that those 50 days are not erased. You came back again on day 2, which is the first step. For me, I had countless relapses, but I never quit coming back. We are all human beings with different situations, mentalities, and feelings, so becoming sober is not easy. It’s like going to the gym: when you start, it will be difficult to lift 5 kg dumbbells, but gradually it becomes easy. The weight isn’t changing; rather, your body is changing and you are gaining strength. Similarly, in recovery, as you stack up more “sober muscles,” it will become easier for you. Keep going, friend—tomorrow is day 3! :hugs:

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Please don’t lose heart. And of course those 50 days have not disappeared. A relapse does not erase the journey you have already made.

Nobody ever said this was going to be easy.

Speaking only for myself, I think many of us who have struggled with alcohol can also be terribly perfectionistic. We want everything to be black or white. We want to draw a line under our past, wipe the slate completely clean, and suddenly become this perfect version of ourselves who never drinks, never makes mistakes and always does the right thing.

Unfortunately, we are human.

We make mistakes. Sometimes we relapse. Sometimes we send messages we wish we hadn’t sent. We are not always calm, rational, direct and perfectly in control. Sometimes we say the wrong thing and sometimes we do the wrong thing.

Give yourself another chance. And, more importantly, be kind to yourself.

Fifty days matters:

And what matters even more is that after those 50 days you now know that you want many more sober days ahead of you.

Recovery does not have to be a journey towards perfection. It can be a journey towards happiness.

You mentioned wanting that warm, fuzzy feeling from the first glass of wine. Perhaps next time that feeling comes into your mind, try to remember the whole story, not just the first few minutes. Remember how good you felt during those 50 sober days. And remember where that warm feeling eventually took you: more than a bottle of wine, messages you regretted, poor sleep, embarrassment and unhappiness.

The first drink promises you the warm feeling. It doesn’t show you the rest of the evening.
That is only a suggestion, of course, based on my own experience.

You can do this. Fifty days was a real achievement, and nothing can take those 50 days away from you. You don’t have to be perfect. Today, you only have today.

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Im on 118 resets.

I know how hard it is. If it were easy then this Forum would not exist.

118 resets is hard. There were times where i didnt come back for a while at a time. But I did keep coming back. Because of the total number of resets and knowing how hard it was, I have heaps more respect and and joy in the days ive now accumulated. Im the longest sober i have ever been and shooting for the stars with my day count.

If I didnt have multiple resets then id end up dead because id likely have the idea in my mind that quitting is easy and so I’ll just do it another time…

It wasn’t until I tried to quit that I realised what power it held over me. Ill never allow that to happen again. Over 100 resets for me personally before enough was enough and I really started putting in some work.

In all that. I never got to 50 days like you so that is good. I got 30 days once and then was a whole year before I got past 30 days again. I’d barely get a week or several days. So I think your off to a good start. Just dont stop coming back. Read read and read. Your profile seems very active which is fantastic.

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I’m on day 5 so I have no great words of wisdom like the others here. But after many resets over the last 7 months, I can truly say that I know the shame and guilt you’re experiencing. It’s heavy, feels unable to lift it, but only has the ability to keep you down if you let it. Your 50 days is very inspiring to me. Thank you for setting such a great example for me .. for coming back even in the race of the resets and shame. I think coming back here is going to be key for me. Keep on keeping on.

Edit: “face of the resets and shame”

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Sorry about the relapse, I have certainly been there. I know for me that until I got real honest about what really was being offered by alcohol I couldn’t sustain sobriety. I was believing the fantasy of the ‘warm fuzzy feeling’ or the ‘help me to relax’ and conveniently forgetting the reality of bad decisions, hangovers, shame, guilt, regrets, and worse. I 100% knew what alcohol offered me, what my life was like with it. What I really did not know was what a life of sustained sobriety was like. I had never had that, always I fell back to what I knew.

It helped me to have a list of how I wanted to live my life on my phone and read it when I started thinking about just one or it was too hard. I would read that list and remember all the shitty things that happened when I drank and how it was damaging me mentally, emotionally and physically. I wanted to live a new life. Reach for the new life, you won’t regret it. And you deserve a life free of guilt and shame and all the crap that alcohol brings to our lives. :sparkles:

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I am sorry about the relapse. Grateful you see you don’t have anything waiting for you in that bottle. That you are not missing out on anything. Grateful you are back working on day 1.

Also very grateful that you can remember how amazing those 50 days felt. You out in some impressive effort and can do so again to stack up the days :flexed_biceps:t4:

Keep connected friend… ODAAT :hugs:

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“Your sober date changes, but that’s all that changes,” he said “You know everything you knew before, as long as you were able to fight your way back without dying, you learn a lot.”

Matthew Perry

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This community just blows me away! Thank you so much for your words. It really built me up so much right now :blue_heart:
I will try to take all the positivity out of this situation… i will learn from it. This was the first time in years I really tried to stop drinking and 50 days were a good start.
We will keep fighting for a HAPPIER Life. And I know it will not be magically perfect after getting sober, but it will be BETTER, I am sure
:purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:
Thank you and lots of Love to all of you

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