The 120 blues

Well hello folks, its been a lil while since I’ve been in touch here. I got out of rehab a few days ago and got myself straight into a sober living home, damm glad I did. Today I hit 120 days sober and if I had the guts I’d be drinking. It’s easy to feel good and optimistic while your in a rehab, your safe and around others all the time. Now that im out I’m realizing how much I’ve lost and that I’m truly alone. My wife doesn’t understand. She tells others she doesn’t know whats gonna happen, doesn’t know if she can trust me again. Well your never gonna know if you don’t speak with me, its been 4months. I cant go on not knowing what wtf is going on. I left one meeting at 7pm and now im just sitting alone in my car waiting for a 10 o clock meeting, thats all I got, I’ve done 12 meetingsin 3 days. Im thinking I have to just file for divorce this week. No sense in waiting for someone who has never been a part of my recovery, wasn’t the first time, hence the relapse, and even more so this round. As I’ve said before I have to do this for me, which I am, just believed in marriage and believed in supporting one another. I’m on the verge of giving up but I won’t because I’ve wanted to stop drinking for so long and I’m not willing to go back to that misery. I know its rough right now and I know it will get better, I just have to believe that and stay the course. I didn’t think these feelings would plague me now, wtf was I thinking. I should have known.
Sitting in a car on a Saturday night, what a pity shit show.
Thats what I got for now, I’ll be back.

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If you can you should wait before deciding on divorce. There is no reason to rush towards it. Congratulations on your 4 months. That is a great accomplishment!

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Divorcing is the final last step if nothing works.
You want to be in control of your life and that’s I guess why you are thinking about it. You don’t like the stress around your wife trust issues. I understand.
But you have to give your wife some space. Give it time. Your relation and trust has to grow again. I do not know your past. But we all know our addiction ruins everything. We have to fix that ourselves and that can’t be done in a few months :pensive:
You are doing great, keep doing that and show her you are worth her trust! Maybe you can talk to her about how you feel right now. But don’t push her for answers, just share your emotions.
That’s what I would do in your situation :hugs:
Keep going, again you are doing great! Congratulations with your 120 days!! :tada::tada::tada:

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Wow. Your telling my story… my husband will not speak to me as well. Said he could never trust me again… I just got out of treatment at the end of Dec. I had really got good at moving forward in rehab, which meant not worring so much about what the other person in my life were gonna do… Its hard to keep that attitude all the time. Some days or nights I just want things different (self will) I want a partner that knows through and through I did all my stupid stunts IN A BLACKOUT. I seriously have no recall of the actual reasons he’s leaving me. I expected some fragment of support from him… Not happening. So I have been hit with my feelings too, I don’t stay in them long… I can’t if I want to stay sober. ACCEPTANCE is the only way for me to keep going and make progress. Keep your faith. Doing what you need to do isn’t always peachy, right? But it is worth it. Let’s do this thing.
193 days.
6months In treatment

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Hi @Strong4Stone
Could well be your wife is just hanging back to see how you’re doing, if you’ll stick to your Sobriety, as the old saying goes ‘Actions speak louder than words’ and if you’ve promised in the past to stay sober and haven’t she may well not be convinced its permanent.

That said I obviously can’t speak on behalf of her so its just an opinion…

Dont place your Sobriety in the hands of someone else, that’s dangerous, then they have a power over you, do it and maintain it for you, to be the best version of you, not to make someone else happy or to please anyone…

The fact you went to all those meetings on Saturday is amazing says you really want your Sobriety, but just hang fire with your marriage till the dust settles a bit…

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Heh,
To say I experienced what your experiencing is an understatement. I lived it.

My sig other I called her my wife, but we were never married just lived together acted like a married couple without the papers. Kicked me out May of last year, a month of being out and not getting anywhere but digging my whole deeper I went to treatment, we started talking during treatment and that went south fast. We haven’t spoken in 6 months about, I understand the whole spiel, I said things would change multiple times and they didn’t. So I understand that my word is shit to her, I didn’t follow through.

When I love someone I am in a relationship with I love unconditionally and like its never gonna hurt, it’s a fault I guess. But when I first heard her say shell never trust me again, shell never believe I could change it hurt hard o almost quit right there, but instead it motivated me. Will she ever see my progress? I dont know.

But it also gave me alot of perspective, she was trying to control my sobriety, my treatment and how everything was going to go. It’s a bad situation to be in.

In the end I fell deeply depressed I ruined yet another relationship with my addiction, but I stayed sober, I came to the conclusion that I I can’t let someone else have that much power over me, i need to be me, worrying about me maintaining my sobriety whether or not I’m with someone or experiencing shit emotions, I took a ton of shortcuts in early sobriety to salvage a non existing relationship. And it bit me later.

At this point focus on your sobriety and putting yourself together, if you feel that the best decision is to file for divorce, give some time to think about it sit on It dont jump the gun and regret the decision later.

As far as me, I’m not rushing my next move, my next connection for a commitment I want to be my last,

Put yourself in the driver seat, put yourself on the road of sobriety, and drive your own path, you are in control

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I think alot of us did our stupid shit in a blackout, yet it is hard to explain to someone who’s never been there, or accepts recovery.

People change, yet some believe we can never change

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When i got out of my first rehab my ex did the same thing. I couldn’t understand why everything wasn’t fixed because I spent a few weeks in treatment. Well it turns out years of choosing drugs and alcohol over my partner left them more than a little upset. It doesn’t matter if my bad actions were a result of my addiction, or if I was only a bad partner when I blacked out. None of that mattered, because I was still a bad partner. Support would have been nice, but it certainly wasn’t deserved. Even after all I put her through, all I could still think about was me me me. That, right there, is what addiction does. This is also why I work the 12 steps. I couldn’t change my behavior if I didn’t even know I was behaving a certain way.

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:cry: This is hard to stomach in some moments, they just hit me like lightening
( Thoughts)
I say lightening because the way it comes out of nowhere… when I’m perfectly fine… and I need it over fast, so I try to feel it briefly.

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Wow, it does sound all to familiar. Im sitting in a meeting now. I’ve been thinking there was hope. Just found out through a mutual friend that there is absolutely no hope at all. I feel pretty broken right now, but am gonna try to stay the course.

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Keep trying… always keep trying. There’s been times when I wanted to give up, but the only reason I’m here is because I didn’t let myself.

I’m here because I’m to stubborn to give up.

For once it worked

I’m sorry you are going through this right now. So many of us have been in the boat you’re in due to our actions while drinking and/or drugging. Like others have brought up, heavy drinking/drug use is a self centered problem. But what we do while under the influence is still our responsibility and we still have to suffer the consequences. We hurt others and ourselves. It didn’t happen overnight and neither will healing. Those we hurt have the option to move on and we have to accept that. I actually got lucky. My husband has forgiven me out of the goodness of his heart. However, I know that if I were to start drinking again, it would be over for us. Keep up the good fight. Because you are worth it. I’ve got over two years sobriety under my belt and it just keeps getting better and better every single day. Hang tight and keep going to those meetings and posting here!

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So much good advice from all of you. I am just gonna do “me” as best I can , right here, right now. Its definitely not easy but the best option is all for me.
If she sees the signs of trust, then I will have to think about it. Its not all her choice if we’re together. Im trying my best not to be the poor little puppy dog desperately running back. Im better than that and getting stronger every day. Dont get me wrong it hurts like a SOB. Again thank you all.

That’s the best you can do man,

To be honest, you have to put yourself in her shoes, part of her I’m sure is hurting alot. The other part feels relieved, initially the person who breaks it off feels this pressure off their shoulders like ok I don’t have to deal with the drunken nights, the covering for him, the shitty human beings we become when addiction takes over, but after a while we kinda see the hope doe the future begin to miss the person we knew and fell in love with. It’s a roller coaster of emotions.

The best thing you can do is work on you, its hard I know trust me I know. But a better you brings a better outcome, and draws in positive attractiveness that becomes more fulfilling and sustaining for the future.

All the best man

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I feel for you brother,stay strong!!

the pain of separation from someone with which you shared your hopes and dreams is devastating, specially if it originated from a relapse.

After my recent divorce, and after having done my 4th and 5th step I finally understood what when the big book said …

Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.

Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

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I am really sorry to hear that, man. I am divorced myself, it is never an easy thing to undergo. How are you feeling now? I noticed you posted this a few days ago.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the input. It really helps

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It comes and goes, today not so good. Im trudging on as best I can. Im just waiting on meeting to start.

It will get easier with time, every day won’t be such a battle. One day you’ll wake up and realize that you are doing much better in comparison to how you were feeling just a month ago. You’ll see. :purple_heart: