The anxiety drinking loop

So…16 days sober. I’ve always drank. But never to the extent it has gotten since I had my first panic attack. My anxiety got so bad 2012 that i couldnt leave the house. No insurance, a husband who had no interest in even taking me to a doc if i found one I could get in to,…I used booze to medicate. Time went on, my mother got me out of the house and found me help. I got on Zoloft…which saved my life. But…I continued to use booze as a crutch. Became a bartender of all thi gs, which led to drinking on the job to cope with the stress. Here i am, five years later…went on and off the meds…my drinking got so severe i was hiding it. I had to have a beer to leave the house. Every day I was feeling anxiety from the hangover, so i would drink it away…rinse repeat. I would binge for a few days, then become severly ill from it. My new boyfriend of a year and a half, hardly drinks…he has that super power of stopping after two. He didnt know how often i was drinking…until i couldnt stand myself anymore. I confessed everything, after I had chugged half a beer, puked, then finished the beer (it was 9am) and it just clicked. What…the…fuck…am…i
I thought to myself right then “if you do nothing, nothing will change”. I knew if i.confessed, it would make it true. If I didnt make it true, i would continue to deny it. He didnt judge me, he told me everything would be ok, even after losing my job that day. After having three days of the worst anxiety, I felt so much better. That anxiety I was drowning wasnt even there. The fog was still thick, hell it kinda still is. But physically…no anxiety. I am not dreading leaving the house. Im not planning how i will obtain my beer so i can leave the house later. Even though i know my anxiety started for other reasons, the anxiety i have been feeling the last couple years I am convinced was alcohol related. I am seeing a therapist for the first time in two weeks. I feel hopeful for the future again. I tbought it would be harder to not drink, but i am actually scared to drink again. I never had that feeling before when i have tried to stop before. I hope this fear of drinking sticks around. I dont want to back to that person who is chugging a beer while her head is in a toilet. I have had some hard days, two where i was really f’n pissy and angry for no reason. Those two days I thought about having a drink from the liquer cabinet. Then i thought i think id rather feel pissy and angry than the self pity from drinking until I dont remember what i said or did. Which by the way, only took a few beers unlike a couple yeas ago when i could drink anyone under the tfroming
Anyway,that day with my head in the toilet trying to drink it all away again…
I felt pissed. Pissed at all my mental issues i have carried around from shity childhood crap, to verbally abusive ex husband for 12 years, to my mother long painfull death. All of those things created such a fear in me. Fear of everything. That day I felt angry…a d fed up. I wasnt going to carry that emotional baggage anymore, and drinking it away was ruining my life. Fessing up and seeking help from a therapist was a huge step, and a huge relief. I hope I continue on the self help path, and the path of asking others for help. Reading peoples stories on this forum, makes me feel like i am not alone, and that it is SO common to have similar problems. Thank you all


Welcome! I’m so glad you posted your story. I’m sure it was another relief to type all that out loud😉 It’s like when we say (or type) these things out loud they lose their power over us.

I know what a relief it is to not have to hide in the shadows anymore. To hide from life any more. It’s not easy, but you ARE doing it! 16 days is a complete miracle! Great great work pal.

Keep reading and defo keep posting because you are right, you are not alone in this. You’re not alone in your feelings. We have been there and we understand. Again, welcome😊

You aren’t alone far from it! According to the CDC 1 in 8 Americans are alcoholics. That’s nearly 50 million people. Most wony seek help or even admit they are. You have joined a better happier way of life. Just like all of us who became sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is a “we” program we do this together we stay sober together. The “I” program didn’t work for us. “I can get drunk” “We stay sober”. Everyday will get better @Danea