I’ve shared the most recent part of my story but it truly goes back further than when I started drinking and using drugs. I’m Puerto Rican. Born and raised on the mainland but my parents were both born and raised there. My family is very religious. My mother was a very cold woman when I was growing up. I was Daddy’s girl through and through. We were pretty well off when i was growing up. My mother showed her affections with material things. I’m not a materialistic person, never have been. Of course as a child I enjoyed the gifts but always yearned for me. Love, affection, acceptance from my mom that I never got. When i was 14 I realized that I was gay. I had a bf at the time. My best friend was his sister and she’s also my first true crush. I confided in her but it was more confusion than anything else. We were all members at a Pentecostal church, including my bf and his family. My best friend freaked out when I told her how I was feeling. She was the pastor’s daughter. She ran and told her dad who told my mom. At that point, I was so ashamed about how I was feeling that I kind of laughed it off and told my mom it was nothing to avoid any other repercussions. It left me feeling spiritually inadequate. Like something was wrong with me for feeling this way. I started to feel depressed and struggle with my sexuality. That lead to self harm. At first I cut myself. Nothing major, just very shallow cuts. It didn’t do it for me. I was afraid that I’d cut too deep. I wasn’t suicidal. So I started burning myself. In the inside of my bicep where no one could see. My arms are full of scars. The relationship with my bf only lasted through high school. I was still trying to figure out my sexual preference I kissed another boy behind my boyfriend’s back. He found out and that ended that. I was still a virgin. The self harm continued. I came out of the closet at the age of 24. My mother went berserk. Let’s just say that the angst, and my mother’s actions toward me lead to a restraining order against her. My relationship with my family became extremely estranged. I discovered drugs and alcohol and that’s where my substance abuse truly began. Along with promiscuity, partying, and just having a fuck it attitude. When i was 28. My cousin hired a PI to find out where I was living. She came to my apartment to tell me that my dad was at death’s door. She gave me the name of the hospital he was in. She gave me her number and said she’d drive me there. I never went to see my dad. I chose to get drunk and high instead. My Father passed away shortly after that. I went further down the downward spiral from there. My relationship with my family is still estranged. The 12 steps have helped me deal with it all. It no longer consumes me. I can live with the fact that I was never good enough for my mother. That’s her problem not mine. I know I’m awesome. Spiritual inadequacy still lingers but no so much. I believe in God. I also believe that I was born this way.
Sending you nothing but love. I have worked in the child development field for 27 years, and there is nothing worse than a child that is made feel shame. Some can never recover, and haunts them into every decision they make. I am glad that you are you, that you are now living your authentic self
Thanks for all the words of support. I can say my story now and not be ashamed. I cry but now they’re tears of joy. I know I haven’t overcome it all. But now I know that it doesn’t define me. I don’t have to burn myself, get drunk, or high to feel better about myself. I accept myself just the way God made me.
I believe I was born this way too. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story. It is wonderful to have strong recovering women of diverse sexualities represented here. Makes me much more comfortable for myself.
Thank you for your powerful share
I’m very Christian myself. I’ve always felt odd around Pentecostals though, because it seems that theres a general lack of love and acceptance of people with sin, even though we’re all sinners. That being said, my church also has it’s own stigmas. It’s not the religion, it’s the people.
Sorry you had such a terrible experience. I would never push someone away because of their sexual orientation. I would want to pull them closer and let them know how much God loves them and how pained He is in their struggles.
Hope you’re finding healing from the traumas of the past! Glad you’re here.
Thanks for more of your story!
My younger sister is gay and I have ‘known’ this since both of us were way too young to even know there was a word for it.
She has never officially come out though it’s the worst kept secret of all time. My mom cries to think of it and my dad simply stated that she will be going to hell.
I am new here n I’m trying to get clean I have wrote a lil about my story but it is very heart breaking.so I feel u 100% but I hope to talk with ppl n share stories n to kinda help get me through this again
Thank you. I was hesitant to share that part of my story. I don’t want to start a debate. I respect everyone’s beliefs and opinions. I know that it’s not God. Its people and organized religion. What I went through happened almost 20 years ago. I’m going to turn 44 December of this year. The rejection from my family made me reject God…for a long time. I just recently renewed my relationship with Christ a little over two years ago. I still deal with the rejection and judgement of people. Just recently I was denied baptism at a Baptist church because I’m gay. I chose to start going to another church. I will continue to worship and praise my God regardless of what people think. I know that I am a daughter of the King. .
Yea, same here. I live in Texas. My mom lives in Puerto Rico and my only sister in NJ. Our relationship is very shallow. We don’t talk about my personal life but i refuse to live in shame and be unhappy to please others. I deserve better than that.
Hi Seabee. Thanks for saying hi. Im barely one here cuz I don’t understand how this whole thing works yet but I have been trying to get clean since I started this but it’s been very very hard I would love to share some of my poems witch all based on the drug n how it took me down n how it’s hard to deal with n what it has done to my life. I also started writing a book called unfair based on my life in the past two years since I fell back on them. I was clean for a year n half before some really really hard times . I lost everything around me n was helpless n I decided to run to the drug n I’m not proud of it but I wanted all the stuff I went though to b blocked . But please write if u want to see anything that I have writen with my poems or book I started thanks
I would love to read what you’ve written! And you’re very welcome for the hello! Please do share! I love reading! I’m happy to read anything you’ve written.
Ok I will say some.of it is really telling step by step of what I use but it’s how I felt also it’s before I was clean for a year n then after I fell back once u know what I have been through it may make more sense.
~Strugles~ by Lauren
Why is this happening to me
I can’t bare to keep myself sane without u in me
Because you make all the pain go away
I just want to be myself again
Im sick of all this feeling
All the time
When I don’t have u in my vain
Please just make it go away
This feeling of
Emptyness, sadnesses,and lonlyness
I can’t bare to live like this no more
It all happened when you took my 2 loves away
It’s worse then ever before
It’s taken everything from me
BUT, no no no
I don’t want it no more
Please save me
Please save me
I just need to get my shit together
To make it back to who I once was
Back in 2009
I was happy and in love
For once I had a family
A family of my very own
I lost it all for a little taste of you
Then you took me over
Controlled my every move
When I don’t have you
You make me sick
I become this evil person
You will soon be gone
Sick of you
I got to get the real help I need
I don’t need you
I don’t need you
Did you hear me
You will be gone
You can’t controller me soon
I will fight this fight
You can control me once I get the help
You can try
I will fight and you can’t over power me no more
You won’t be there to make me sick
You won’t be there when I fall to my knees
Cuz I will be happy once more
I will have them back to me you can’t keep them from me no more
I HATE YOU!!
~Now~. By Lauren
I’m still struggling with this desease
The problem is I have a lot
On my mind
Every time I think about
Everything I have been through,
Just all that pain
To forget about it
By sticking you in that vain
Seeing it rush in my body
My thoughts are gone
My mind has shut off
But inorder for all the shit
I, have been through
Is to get better again
Everything around me I have lost
I will be happy soon
I will have a real life
For missing a year
I can’t wait to over come this
Get that year back with them again
Oh how I have missed them.
So here is my story I was married for 9 years we moved a lot I use to just smoke pot for gosh ever but then we move to Delaware oh for got to say I was a dance for 13 years at clubs ok so back to moving to de . I then used cocaine once in awhile but then one night I want it and I couldn’t get it so I asked a girl to see if she can she ended up giving me heroin something I never did or never thought about . But I liked it. So I got hooked but then I got clean after using for only three months with sniffing itmy husband at the time helped me by staying home with the kids while I sat in bed with the sickness it gives u when u don’t have it. Then I was clean for about 9 months then I started hanging out with the wrong ppl so I fell back on it but this time I shot it but then got clean again but that time was this past time I was clean for a year n half. Then me n my husband got it to a fight but it ended up being a domestic violence with me almost dead in front of my kids. I ended up with a PFA (protection of abuse) against him I had my kids n he was not allowed near me or then or are home after 8 month I ended up dropping it cuz I didn’t want to keep there dad from them so we went to court n he got them for two days then me for two day n so on n so on but then me n him talked a lot I ended up letting him move in with me. I thought it was going great we celebrate our 9-year anniversary but then I came home on a Saturday to them not being home so I called him n Sadi to him when will u be home I want to take the kids to the movies tonight it then he says to me we r not coming home n I said what do u mean he then replys I got full custody the papers r on the kitchen table, I then fell to the floor I couldn’t breath I started to cry I couñdnt stand or move I felt something I never felt s part of me was gone n that part was my two babies . I never s0ent more then a day with out seeing them I have been with them since day one I taught them everything they knew he was always working I only worked once in a while. I didn’t understand how this happened. But the paper work said that I get visitation once a week supervised at a visitation center for 90 mins . See I didn’t know he did this or I woils hace been there for the custody hearing i never received anything from court. But my husband didn’t go by the papers he came down like every week n did over nights he said he did this cuz he wants me to get back on my feet n not count on him n not do drugs. But at that time I wasn’t .but he said he found a needle some where witch idk where but who knows it had to have been from back when I was using I couldn’t bare to stay in my place cuz of all my kids stuff it was just to hard so I stayed at my friend’s house till I got my own. But I did what he asked I got a real job I got a lil place of my own but then he was going to ask his roommate iF I can move in so I ended up putting in my time at my job n where I lived was planning on moving up where they are witch is three n half hours away from me but then he said his roommate said no cuz of my past but that wasn’t right it should be up to his friend he is my husband n I’m there mom so I lost my place n had no job so I moved in to my friend Pete’s place n he helpedme to get back on my feet but then my husband stopped coming down with the kids only once in a while now but then Pete died from heart problems n then I became home less n at this time I was five months pregnant n my husband didn’t want us to keep it but I told him I’m not killing s baby. So the. He completely stopped coming then I ended up losing the baby it was a girl she was beautiful I name her Tabitha. He didn’t come down for that at all but then this was all right at winter so homeless lost my kids n husband nmy unborn baby so at that very moment I said fuck this what more can I loose so I went out n bought a bundle of heroin and a needle and did the whole this to my head cuz I was trying to OD n die cuz I didn’t see the point any more I just want my family back n my life . See I didn’t have money for lawer n on the custody paper work he made me look like such a bad person n Im really not a bad person or mom I was a great mom that did everything for her kids .but he told them about my drug problem from my past so that is why I was only allowed supervised visitation with my kids once a week. I had no money for lawer I had no family or really hardly any friends so I was alone on the streets stuck in Delaware so yes I tried to kill my self but for some reason I was clean for a year n half n then shot up s whole bundle n I didn’t OD what r the odds. So then i kept using finely I ran in to a old friend of mine named Alex he saw me on the streets at that time I was selling my self to get money for drugs food what ever I needed still it was winter he then told me to get in n he took me to eat n talked for hours . Then he took me to hotel n got me a room n he had to go home to his family the next day he came to the room n said grab ur stuff we r going out I said ok so then we r in car n he says it never going back to Delaware he lives in PA I said huh he said I talked with ur brother n we r going to figure out something. I said what how did u get a hold of him. So he told me how n he made me call my brother witch me n him don’t get a long that well but he knows about the disease cuz he’s had it too he used to be hooked on meth so he says to me I will come get u n ur going to rehab i said no I don’t want to move that far from my kids n this is where all the court stuff is n I’m fine I am clean but I lied so Alex let me stay with him he wasn’t sure if I was using or not but late that night I woke up in so much pain n I woke him up saying I’m sorry I lied I need dope now please I’m begging u bring back to DE he said no I mean I begged so hard crying my eyes out . He said no I’m taking u to the hospital so he took me they don’t do shit for withdrawal at all. But I get so bad when I’m like that but the first hospital we went to said to go to one in Delaware cuz that’s where my insurance was so he took me out there I got so bad they had to sedate me then I was so out of it but then after that I don’t remember much he said they told him to take me to detox so he did but he said they couldn’t help me cuz I was so out of it I couldn’t even sign the paper work n I was walking in to walls lol I don’t remember any of that but he ended up bringing me back to hospital but then I guess I passed out at some point n woke up n called Alex n said come get me n they let me go so then I was so hungry n he stopped to get me Wendy’s but I ate a lil n ended up puking it all up in his car n got back to his place. The next day we went on with r lives but lil did he know I had ppl brin me drugs n I was meeting up with the guys I knew from the streets for money but then he found out n we went to detox n I did it but before I went I called my husband n told him about how I was homeless when I lost the baby n then I tried to kill my self by trying to OD that may have been the biggest mistake cuz after detox I didn’t hear from him or seen my kids till after Xmas but I did detox n I tried to do rehab a few days after detox but I stayed in regard for only 24 hours cuz it wasn’t me . Before when I was clean for a year n half I was on meds so I didn’t have no withdraws but I tried this this time cuz I was like maybe it would work but then I went back to Alex’s n he then tells me he can’t have me stay there no more cuz his family found out I’m a drug addict but in recovery so then I went back on streets this was like January or fed one of those cold ass months but I stayed in n out of guys houses that would get me what I needed witch was my dope. But then off on on I would go to detox trying to bet this but it was so hard cuz so much I have lost in such a short period of time n my heart was killing me n I was just so depressed that I couldn’t bare to stay clean cuz my mind would think off all of what happened so I stayed on the dope so now it’s been a year since I have seen my kids I moved in with this very nice older guy that has been doing his best to get me clean n get me right but any one that has this disease knows that when you’re not ready no one can force you to become clean you have to be ready so I have been living here for a year I talk to my kids on phone as much as I can but I’m still fighting this fight n trying to get clean but then three months ago I went to prison for the very first time cuz of a charge from two years ago I was in there for nine days I got clean in there but I was stupid when I got out I still had some withdrawal so I ended up buying stuff ugh what is wrong with me so now I have decided to try detox my self at home with meds from over the counter like they did in prison. I’m going to start this coming Tuesday but I’m scared if this doesn’t work then I’m going to try to go back to the clinic I was going to for that year n half I was clean before cuz I know that works for me but this time I have to get clean of I will b back in prison cuz I have a court hearing on August 28th n if I don’t show clean drug test then I go back for 30 days but I also have to do this lately I have been writing a lot of poems n I have been working on a book about my life n what I have been through with this desease but I realized I know it’s hard to stay clean cuz I miss that half of me my kids they where my life they where my world with out them I wasn’t me no more I didn’t feel whole so I used the drug to block it so I couldn’t feel that pain no more but I need to do this not just for me but for them cuz once I’m clean for three months I get to get joint custody of my two babies I know u all r like why did t she just do that from the beginning but I was so hurt n so broken n helpless n lonely but now I’m realizing I’m not alone I have this wonderful man in my life that wants to see who I was before he knows cuz he has seen it hear n there through this fight but he also knows how much my kids mean to me he said he sees my face light up every time I talk about them but he also sees the pain I’m in every day . . I will write more later I have a lot to get done before the man of the house comes home from work … night n thanks for ready my story it’s just the short waycid saying what I have been through but maybe my book will be published one day when I finish it. Thanks n God bless u all for fighting this. Always lauren