Oh Michelle - I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s news. Good on you for having faith that she is going to be okay; I know you are worried though. To echo what @eke said…in the face of a horrible prognosis, an oncologist once said to us, “Statistics don’t tell stories. They don’t account for your will to live, your unique situation…your own fight.”
That was my mantra for years. It is so true. If she is anything like her daughter, your mom is fierce, determined…a fighter. No statistic will ever define her.️
Thanks hun, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel able to think clearly instead of having over thinking irrational thoughts. I’m slowly coming off my medication and will soon be free of taking tablets daily. Being fully present for my family matters a great deal now.
Finding things really emotionally hard lately, everything that would result in me drinking has come back to bite me in the arse, I’m not running from it this time , I can’t drown it away in a bottle. I’ve found myself withdrawing from the community and meetings, I need to stop feeling sorry about it and carry on.
Things suck right now, cried today and I feel like I still need to cry more.
Things go great for a few months and then bam back to the way things were before, I’m not happy at all. I’m not going too much into detail as it’s focused around my marriage, I’d feel an absolute idiot explaining everything that has happened and being told why do I stay.
Yesterday was a good day visiting my family, big get together with the parents, sisters, brother in law, nieces, nephew and my nieces boyfriend, they always fuss when I go home, they keep asking me to go back to live. It’s not an easy decision when you don’t know what’s best for the kids. Mentally things are screwing with my head, I don’t know if I have the strength to fight another war
This is something I’ve been doing recently so I wanted to share! Now that I’m aware of what doesn’t feel good, I often will just breathe and focus on what really does feel good on the inside. Like, really, all the way inside your soul! Focus on things that make you happy as you. Not what others can or do for you mind you. What you “ought” to do is also not a player here. What is something that really makes YOU happy? Don’t focus on the things that make you unhappy, you just stay in that miserable stuck place that way. Focusing and gravitating toward what is good and what makes you truly happy-I mean legit doing things solely because it pleases you to do it-that is where I’m finding the biggest shift in me right now. Hugs girl!
Michelle - I’m sorry things seem such a struggle right now. I like what @MandiH said about focusing on what brings you joy. It makes me think of the Serenity Prayer. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I recently heard a slightly different one, and it hit me hard. “Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.”
Know that I’m here if you ever want to talk. I love you, my friend…
@RedDragon - I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling lately. I am so proud of you for doing it and dealing with it sober. Your drive to do the right thing time after time is such an inspiration to me and I know to others in the community.
@MandiH and @MoCatt have some excellent ideas. I was so intertwined with others and avoiding my own stuff for so long that it took a lot of work to figure out what I wanted. Not what others expected of me or what I felt I was supposed to do, but really dive deep to figure out what brought me joy and then to figure out how to do more of those things.
Thank you @MoCatt@MandiH and @aircircle, I am going to smart today, I need to talk to my coach and pastoral team and just get it out and tell them that actually I’m not OK.
For the first time ever I had a using dream, that is some scary shit, woke up early hours of the morning convinced I drank, I knew I hadn’t but still looked next to the bed where in my dream a bottle of wine was. I hope I never experience another one again.
I wish there was something I could do. Sucks to see a friend have to go through times like this. I may not know what to say, but I’m here to listen, and remind you that you are strong and determined, and will find a way through this.
This is so good. One of the most important thing I’m learning in this process is that I need to tell people when I’m struggling or when I’m not ok. For me, pretending to be ok when I wasn’t did not serve me well. Praying that you get the support you need.
These are the days I love being present for, such fun with my boys, hair cuts, Christmas party with the town mayor by invitation, taking them to see the Christmas tree outside the rugby stadium.
I’ve also been overwhelmed with the support from the local church who came yesterday with a food hamper for us for Christmas because they know our situation, on Monday the salvation army are bringing a hamper and some toys for Christmas too. If you seek help, you will find it. It’s going to be a good Christmas
Ah, review at the doctors done, all good on the full body mot, bloods absolutely fine, but antidepressants have been increased, hardly surprising with personal events but was hoping to stay the same.
General review from recovery service and doctors is that in January I’ll be able to return to working so I have completed my coaching application and also applied for a part-time job this morning too, very productive so far
Been doing well, couple of weeks ago I had a hard week where I cried for 5 days, it’s tough when you realise that even though I stopped drinking and been sober for nearly five months that some big problems are still there. Turns out that I’m not happy with my marriage and my husband smoking weed. This was a big factor in my drinking, to drown away the shit life I ended up with, tried so hard to stick it out thinking that it would change and put up with so much for the sake of staying. I have two children who I thought needed to stay as a family and that it was best for them to have a mum and dad living together. I have realised that my children deserve a sober mum and dad, they deserve to be financially looked after which my husband has not been able to give that stability because he’s happy not working. My children deserve to be free from being in the middle of a toxic environment between my husband and myself. I thought that I had their best interests at heart by staying but I have been wrong in my thinking.
I am going to be talking to my husband in the new year about him moving out to sort his shit out, he needs to get clean and support himself and get back to being the man I married, drug free, motivated and a supporting family man, I can’t make him want it but I can’t stay like this any longer.
For a long time I was easily controlled by my husband, I was scared of being alone, I believed that I was worthless and hated myself.
Now I’m not scared of being alone and I can’t be emotionally blackmailed or controlled either.
The week of crying wasn’t even a craving alcohol situation it was a realization period, I battled with my thoughts trying to rationalise a solution, and even though I know my decision is right it’s been tough actually being honest with myself, that I am unhappy and I haven’t done what was best for the boys by staying.
On another note I had a core group meeting 5 days ago where the husband was trying to argue a case around smoking weed and also about his engagement with social care, he’s not making himself look good right now. I did have a secret meeting with pastoral team and social care to advise them about the problems still going on at home, providing photos as evidence of my husbands habit and a recording of how he actually is with the boys. Shity to do that I know, it’s easy for my husband to act the loving, supportive person with their shit together when social care come to the house. My husband suspects that I have been in touch with them, so we’re not talking as such right now but I’m not bothered, I sort out the kids, do my meetings and programs and just do me, otherwise I see my amazing friends or take a nap.
It definitely isn’t easy getting your shit together and having that moment when the penny actually drops, relationships in recovery are definitely hard, families, friends, intimate and professional relationships are all part of that
Not long indeed , I’m meeting a sober buddy from the alcohol service for a coffee later, taking the boys to get a present each to give their dad then going ice skating as a family tonight , tomorrow is going to be amazing, last year I was drinking from 10am and was in bed by 6.30pm. I missed most of the day with my boys, not this year and best of all there is an alcohol ban on the house as I requested it by social care, so my husband can’t drink either
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, I’m meeting a sober buddy from the alcohol service for a coffee later, taking the boys to get a present each to give their dad then going ice skating as a family tonight 
, tomorrow is going to be amazing, last year I was drinking from 10am and was in bed by 6.30pm. I missed most of the day with my boys, not this year and best of all there is an alcohol ban on the house as I requested it by social care, so my husband can’t drink either