Thank you so much for sharing.
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If anyone wants to list to the radio show I was on last week about the charity walk i did
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Well at just over 13mths sober even now I still get (not that often) that little demon that sits on my shoulder and says, youāll be fine to have just one. Obviously I didnāt pick up. On reflection itās been building for about 3 weeks now, changes in behaviour being one of the major things, been getting anxious, over thinking, getting defensive and snappy. On top of that where I coach has had a major shake up in structure and management so at present Iām without clients until they come through the program, Iāve not been excersicing as much since the charity walk, not engaging with the community enough, Iāve not meditated and my job is draining me. Yesterday was a point where it showed me that missing one part of my own recovery could lead to catastrophic things. I know what I stand to loose if I pick up, my kids, my partner and my job in coaching, that kept me strong enough to say no and thankfully I have a partner I can talk to about all of this, today is a new day sober still shaken by my thoughts yesterday I need to calm my soul and I will reconnect. I am an addict, this is me and I will be correcting my failings in recovery. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Higher power show me peace, show me calm, show me love 
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That step back is so essential sometimes.
Good to see you Michelle.
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Testing day yesterday, seen the ex in town while with the boys, ended up exchanging words and the boys were present. Iām absolutely gutted by my response before I tried to walk away. I asked him to sign divorce papers and then it started getting personal, he confronted the kids about them telling me that he walked out of the shop without paying for items and then told me that the boys said I was mean and they wanted to live with him, he made a reference to my current partner who is 2yrs sober when I told him that I didnāt want his girlfriend around the boys because of safeguarding concerns. Tried to walk away from my ex twice only to be followed by him.
Spent the evening crying and explaining to my boyfriend what happened and well its all a mess. He doesnāt want the drama and I donāt know where Iām at.
Itās really hard to explain that even though there are no walls outside, I was feeling trapped and cornered, my fight or flight response was obviously fight and I ended up in an engagement of words, frozen by fear in place. Mortified that he had the boys sat on his lap confronting them about what they told me and then bad mouthing me and putting me down in front of them, telling them not to listen to me.
Sobbed like a child last night after holding it together all day.
Now because of all of this, the fact that I engaged with the conversation which happened in front of the boys, I feel my boyfriend may just want to part ways.
Iām not even sure I want to see him today
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Sorry to hear this Michelle.
So things got a bit heated with your new fella? Did I read this right?
You have to do what right for you and the boys, yes?
I donāt know, he goes quite and stays away when he needs to process things like this. Iām upset for a number of different reasons, seeing my ex because I have so much hurt still going on because of domestic abuse and hate for him, Iām upset because the argument happened in front of the kids and I should have shut up and walked away, hurt because my fella is unable to understand the situation I was in was difficult and feels like he solely blames me for fueling the whole thing. Iām confused and scared and at a loss, I donāt know what is going on. Gone for a walk with the boys to seek higher power and solstice
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Annnndā¦
You didnāt drink.
Good job.
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Nope, no drink, every time something hard comes up is another day where I learn to deal with emotions, situations and life sober itās all a learning curve.
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Another day on the radio tomorrow too 
ebs and flows
How was the walk? Did it clear your head?
You know you shouldnāt have had the argument in front of the boys. But weāve all been there, could of, should of, would of!
Explain this but also explain that you werenāt happy with his reaction. I take it he hasnāt got anything like this in his life?
No, heās been divorced before over about 20 yrs ago and there was no kids involved and he moved to Thailand while his divorce was going through. I cried my eyes out about arguing in front of the boys
I know itās not something you would do. Donāt beat yourself up though Michelle. Itās done nothing you can do now. You know that. Have you talked to the boys about it?
Sending you 
Michelle. You are strong and i know will find your way xx
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Yes I have, apologies constantly for it, explained that they wonāt be seeing their dad or speaking to him for the foreseeable future, thatās a hard thing to take, the guilt is horrendous that Iāve basically taken away their dad despite knowing its to protect them 
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Thanks hun, itās all sent to test us, I know that if Iād still be drinking I wouldnāt ever have had the opportunity to be with my boys right now
Update, all is good 
so thankful that I have met someone who is in recovery too. He acknowledges that its people, places and things. AA has taught us so much still always catastrophising the not so great thing about retraining the addicts brain
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Are many of them guys in recovery Michelle. 
Mainly yes more male recovery coaches than female 
but I stand my own