You understood perfectly and I think his answer fit the bill. Some people just aren’t ready, whether they realize it or not. Or, more likely, they are ready to be sober, but aren’t ready to do the work.
I get it that many people just aren’t ready, in some cases I struggle to correlate that with someone actively seeking out a sobriety based place such as this, create a post laying themselves and their situation bare and begging for help but then outright refusing to try any of the suggestions, but then I suppose there’s no need for me to understand it and just be here to offer support if and when I’m able to.
I certainly won’t and don’t want to criticise anybody that wants to change themselves for the better. Active addiction is one hell of a horrible thing to live through and I take my hat off to anyone wanting to fight against it, no matter what stage they are at.
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I don’t know about this. I have not attended any meetings. I am not in any program. I realized I had a problem. Like any analytical mind, I got to the root of my problem, figured out what caused my problem, and changed my behavior. I have not reset my clock once. I have been offered alcohol numerous times at nanny different functions and politely declined. I have 76 days and counting!
I think people need to have the maturity, wherewithal, and mindset to want to succeed. You can’t go into sobriety with a half ass attempt. It’s all our nothing.
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This is just a guess but it can be a thing of priorities. Is sobriety and recovery Number One Priority? For some, friends/relationships or comfort can be a higher priority still.
Also , it can be devestating to realize sheer willpower doesnt get you anywhere. Does that mean Im weak? Or that I have no willpower? No, but to get stronger I need to accept my weaknesses. After all willpower should be enough to get you clean but without a programm, work or action this willpower gets wasted. Yet accepting that one is not as strong as one likes to be is a hard task.
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Also a good answer. I know I don’t have willpower, that’s what makes working a program such an easy decision. Willpower alone is not enough for most people. If it were why do people continue to relapse? It’s not a matter a weakness. Plenty of strong ass people with all the willpower in the world continue to pick up every day. Thinking they can do it on willpower alone probably keeps them sick a lot longer than they need to be.
But absolutely, people that don’t prioritize their recovery are probably not going to get sober.
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Also, just because you don’t like the way help looks, doesn’t mean it’s not help. But thank for the analysis of my motives.
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Life is hard, everyone is fighting a battle we may never understand. Yeah, it does require hard work. But it requires a patient teacher as well.
I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my time here but I can honestly say I’ve never seen anyone give up on someone else. Not sure if that’s patience or not. But your post brought that to my attention.
I’m not saying you’re not trying to be helpful. Forgive me for bringing in an inventory of your motives. Im sincerely not approaching you with any malice. Believe it or not, I am also trying to help. Merely making an observation.
Maybe there’s a lesson here. You can build a hell of a foundation. You’ve spent enough time in the mud to know what’s needed. No one is questioning that you’re a solid dude. If I need help choosing the building blocks I’m coming right to you.
Maybe others know how to build windows and change someone’s outlook. Maybe others can bring us warmth or know how to illuminate a space so it is more inviting with their light.
We all have strengths and weaknesses. I try to avoid arrogance but I know it’s one of my biggest defects. I like to think I can do it all or that if my tools aren’t sharp that I can do a job im not meant to do. But I also have to recognize when to step back and hold my tongue and smile when someone finally finds a teacher that’s right for the job.
Also, I wanted to highlight that our experiences are drastically different. I do understand that you have lost a lot of great people to addiction and that your tough love comes from that desire to protect people from themselves. I do value that in you, Derek. But I do see things differently because of my experiences.
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I pretty much don’t mind when people call me out on stuff. How can I grow if I don’t know where I’m short at? It doesn’t necessarily mean I agree with every assessment or will act on every comment. But I do read them and at the very least consider them. If enough people make the same comments then there’s most likely some validity to the statement
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I dont do aa. I have. And I have people always trying to get me to go. But when I went it just wasnt for me maybe it was the meetings I was at but it just felt very cultish sometimes. I do meet with people that are sober or in aa and eat and talk at least once a week, and just remind eachother why it’s obviously a hell of alot better for us to be sober. I also am in the court system finished all their programs. But I’m not really in a program. I don’t see myself going back to drinking, but I dont think everyone needs a program as long as you have good support and hang with people going through similar situations as you and helping eachother not drink. Like we call eachother if we are thinking about hitting the bottle. But I dont have a higher power and the whole thing sort of irritates me with aa how sort of… churchish it is. I do like the speaker meetings sometimes
If you ever feel the need for a program (seems like you kinda have one now, just not in the traditional sense) try SMART
I’m not opposed to programs. That actually looks more like my speed from the website I’ll have to see how it works and If there is a meeting around me
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Though what you are doing may not be seen as a traditional programme I also think it is a programme in its own sense. You are not just not picking up you are engaging with fellow addicts/alcoholics and helping eachother. It’s drastically different to just trying to not pick up. Your working it so it works. 
. I found that there are far too many active addicts that I have used with previously at my local smart meetings for me to continue going, some even shoot up in the toilets, regardless of the strength of my sobriety it will do me no good to spend a couple of hours with them a couple of times a week that’s before I weigh up the possibility of maybe having a week moment when in their presence at some point. I don’t want to discorouge you from going though as it will likely be a very different experience for you.
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Hey, lord knows how much sobriety I’d have if I had taken your advice a year ago. I wasn’t ready to admit I was powerless. I wasn’t ready to lump myself in with the other sex addicts. I had that judgement and arrogance that “I’m not like them” and “I’m smart enough to do this myself.”
I’m thoroughly humbled. And you were right. I’ve called into a dozen meetings in tha past 31 days. I have contacted a potential sponsor. I wrote out my 3 circles and I have already talked with him about doing my first step in front of a group.
But my choices were my own and while I should have heeded lessons I needed to be humbled first.
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@englishd I have been diagnosed with BPD. It just amazes me how people throw the word “insanity” around. What works for you might not work for others. I just hate AA zealots.
This has nothing to do with AA chief so you can calm down. Also, both expressions are widely used so try not to get bent out of shape.
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This phrase was coined by Albert Einstein I also seen to remember Derek saying he has bpd so I think you have misunderstood m8🙂
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I have bi-polar 1, but I think he’s referring to borderline personality disorder.
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See definition number 4. I think continued drug use would qualify no?
I love when people ride in on their high horse thinking they are going to put me in my place then fail to actually check the definition of the word. Lololol
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