Or @Runningfree you can get a garden like Jess’s 
Jenn - how are your roses doing?
2 Likes
They are good. They bloomed again so that answered that question I had. I did some work in that area the other day and posted it in the garden thread. I think I ask why I’m not happy with myself because I feel almost like my presence is annoying the hubs. Yesterday we watched a documentary and I tried to talk to him about it after. Just like conversation and he didn’t even engage. That’s just 1 example but even when I try to tell him he makes me feel unseen. He doesn’t listen. (Oh and I brought up counseling again and he asked me if I felt it was really that important?!) It feels like I’m giving him so much of my self value in a way. Like if he doesn’t give me attention I feel not valuable. I think that’s where I’m asking why I’m not happy with myself. Why do I need others to make me feel important.
@anon9289869 I have no doubt that me not getting a run this morning effected me. I just don’t think that’s all that bothering me. Once I get off work I’m going to try for a light cycle on my stationary bike.
3 Likes
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Frankly to me - I believe he needs to figure something out in himself. He is not present for you now because he also isn’t present for himself. Until he is present with and for himself, I don’t realistically believe he’ll be able to be really present for you, in the way you want.
Your hiking trip may be a good time to reflect on this. It’s a truly independent time for you - no expectation or investment in another person with you - and it will give a clearer sense of who you are when he’s not there with you, and also who you are when you come back to him.
There’s a lot going on here. But I see you. I see how bad this feels for you.
2 Likes
Yesterday was terrible to sum it up I got off work and sat on the porch and cried and spewed all my feelings to the hubs. Told him how unimportant he makes me feel. Told him I’m trying so hard to fix me and I can’t fix him as much I as want to. I just can’t. He said he was sorry of course. He didn’t mean to make me feel that way. He said today he will try harder to work on himself. I hope so but he always says that.
Moving on to today. It was meh at work. Busy and stressful. Then Pt where all the magic and my amazing mood is from. She asked how I felt and I told her amazing. I was ready. We did more of the yoga ball walk outs. Right up my alley lol THEN she had me to T plank rotations!! I was so scared and wobbling at first but by the second she said I looked more confident THEN she got one of those half balls and had me balance myself on it and go from side to side (hardest one) and finally 30 Arnold presses. I can’t even explain how spectacular I felt during all of this. It’s a high I can’t explain and I love it so much and to think it’s just a taste of what’s to come!!! Including a picture of the press
4 Likes
I really appreciate your shares about your training & physical activity. I’ve never met someone who was so deeply at home in movement - for whom movement was so much a doorway to the self, and to satisfaction & joy.
You are so joyful when you move. I can understand now how important your PT is to you.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s inattentiveness. I can see how much it hurts you. I can also see - I think - how much you saving him, is tied up, for you, in you saving yourself. That’s interesting.
You are a deep, rich, and multifaceted soul, Jenn, and we’re lucky to have you with us here on Earth
1 Like
What’s crazy is I didn’t really start fitness or any activity really until 7 years ago. I think it’s became such an outlet for my emotions and so mentally helpful.
3 Likes
I got off a bit ago and it’s my normal 3 day weekend that happens every 2 weeks or whatever but I tacked some days on the end of personal time so I have 6 days off!! I was suppose to go to see the hubs family but they said 1 of their kids is sick. I’ve been very in my feelings about it because it started with my SIL saying she would rather swim than hike which is fine but I want to do day hikes and I only asked because I was going to be in town and figured it would be rude to not let them know. The past few days I could just tell she didn’t want to and I dislike where my mind went that she made up her kid being sick to get out of spending time with me. I’m sulking in my feelings at the moment but tomorrow I will get up and go for a run (haven’t gone in a few days, yay for going!) then I have some other errands planned but honestly I want to leave halfway through the day and go to Texas and do some hiking at the start of the ridge. I’m excited for tomorrow but disappointed for the turnout with my SIL. I called my friend that lives kinda close by and vented. She said the sweetest thing to me and made me cry. She just gave me assurance that she is my friend and a bunch of other sweet thing. I guess I just haven’t had anyone IRL tell me I’m important lately (y’all know that) but it just broke me and I balled. It was a good cry though.
4 Likes
Good cries are the best. Letting out all that pent-up emotion is such a relief.
It’s so great how you’re getting more in touch with your inner self over the last few months. You’re speaking your truth in a constructive, respectful way to others, and in the process you’re learning how to navigate their responses and come out safe on the other side.
You’re doing good Jenn. You’re doing good. And you’re finding your truth: the people who connect with you; the people who see your truth and who tell you they see you. That’s priceless
1 Like
Decision has been made! I went and got some supplies this morning. Food and water and I need a few items from the outdoor store but they open in a bit. I’m working on packing my bag and I found a place to hopefully stay the night. If not I’ll swing into the next town and grab a hotel but I’d rather stay at the campground. I have a weird feeling of anxiety because I’m trying not to plan (other than the necessary amount)
3 Likes
Good for you! This is a new adventure. Enjoy it
1 Like
Very exciting, Jen. I can’t wait to hear all about your trip.
2 Likes
I had a really good time on my adventure. My body is hurting today but it’s ok. The views and calmness and just being was amazing. I got back and the hubs and I had a talk. I made a list while I was out there of things he could do to help show me he loves me. Random hugs, compliment or notice things I do and so forth and I wrote another part about how things have been rough but I want us to stick it out but to do that I think we need to find ourselves while still being together. I told him honestly I have no idea who I am without him. I asked him to take time tonight and think of things that he would like me to change (not like my core person but in other ways) or ways I can help our relationship grow and flourish. I didn’t think he would be willing to make the list and I’m beyond happy that he is. We are planning a trip for us and the dogs in a few weeks. Same kind of thing where we will have a few days off together and next month he is going to plan something for himself. He made the statement he doesn’t know himself without a relationship and that rang true for me also. I’ve had a boyfriend since I was about 12. When I was younger my music, clothes, just everything would change based on the boy I liked. I guess that’s why I have such a love of all genres. (Not the point) For him he was with his baby momma as teens and they had their son at 15 & 16. They were together for a rocky 4 years And then him and I got together when he was 23.
Overall the trip was extremely fruitful in my opinion. I didn’t discover a great mystery which was disappointing but I did discover that hiking and backpacking is fun and I plan to go again. I’m hoping maybe the hubs will go with next time
4 Likes
I’m glad to hear the trip went well Jenn. Sounds like you had some valuable reflection! And it sounds like you have a plan with your husband - a simple, “next step” plan - one step at a time. All good steps
1 Like
Getting out of physical therapy and the knee cap issue is an issue lol she told me to stop running for the time being and gave me some home therapy exercises. Apparently I’m on the verge of a meniscus tear 
this body is really getting in the way of life. I had some really bad pain with it when I was hiking. I’m glad I asked her about it.
2 Likes
Can you get a knee brace or something to help?
She didn’t say to get one at the moment but I have one and an ace bandage. She gave me a list of exercises and I just finished those and am icing it currently. I’m gonna take this in stride though not like my other setbacks. Just gonna slow it down and push running and hiking to next year. I suppose this year was just meant for me to strengthen my smaller muscles. Like maybe I needed to slow down. Not really sure what I’m trying to say but I’m ok with slowing down. Sucks but I know it’s just gonna make me stronger in the end
3 Likes
2 Likes
Right there with you! I get an MRI this Thursday for a suspected torn meniscus. Curious if you would share what exercises you were given? I’ve seen a lot of PTs and conditioning coaches address knee issues differently (for myself and folks I know) and always interesting to see how they go.
3 Likes
Less is often times more especially when it comes to knees. These exercises are very simple. Of course everyone needs to find out from their own doctor or physical therapist what exercises to do, Dependent on their particular injury. If you do any exercise and it hurts do not do it. These are concentrating on strengthening the muscles around the knee.
I repeat if it hurts don’t do it.
2 Likes