Hi Everyone,
This has been quite a long journey for me, a real life rollercoaster ride. Looking back, I guess I should have known this is how it would end up. I’ve tried to make my story as short as possible… Try being the operative word here. The first time I got drunk was when I was 3 or 4. My dad would often drink, leaving his alcohol within my reach. It was the 70’s LOL… It was Canadian Club whiskey and 7 up. A sweet combination for a toddler… The next time, that I can remember of course, I was probably around 5, I took one of my dad’s beers and hid under the porch to drink it. 15 came along and my first boyfriend (21) let me have some rum. While his back was turned I literally chug-a-lugged from the bottle. Got sick as fuck. I always had a problem controlling my intake, it’s all or nothing with me. Whenever I would go out and drink I would always get drunk and/or sick. I went years really without being a regular drinker so I couldn’t have a problem, right? Even through the tough times I never really resorted to regular alcohol use. My mom throwing herself down a staircase to prove to me that she was right, my son’s father not letting me leave the house when I broke up with him and then stalking me for what felt like forever on a daily basis. Damn, I even dated an alcoholic early on and didn’t think that I was one. I went through 4 bouts with major depression and wasn’t an alcoholic yet… When I ended things with my first husband he got drunk, took Ativan and loaded two guns. I was certain he was going to kill me then himself, still I wasn’t a regular drinker. It was when I was with the guy that I lived with after my first husband, we’ll call him W, that the thing inside of me grew. The monster that always lived there finally found his power. W would bring home alcohol regularly, he could control himself of course, I on the other hand… It began as a Friday night thing, then Sunday was added on and pretty soon the entire weekend. During that period, when I was with him, I just wanted to die. I even attempted suicide by taking a bunch of pills. I never really stopped drinking afterwards. Near the end it was 7 days a week, either 1 bottle of wine, 1/3 bottle of booze or 6 to 8 beers. Of course I thought that I didn’t have a problem because I only drank at night. I found out that I am a “high functioning” alcoholic. I admitted this to myself a few years ago but could never bring myself to stop. After all, who was it hurting, just me… I could take it. I was used to pain. To get through difficult emotions I had often resorted to hurting myself physically, cutting, stabbing, punching hard surfaces, alcohol seemed like the least damaging of them all. Black outs, 50 lbs extra, hundreds upon thousands of dollars later I realized that, although I had become such a strong person with time battling depression and hurting myself I was still letting some shit ass inside of my head control me. Alcohol is like a whole other entity inside of me. Talking to me. Always there to give me the perfect excuse of why I should be drinking, why I deserve this… I had stopped once for about 3 weeks and was convinced that I had him beat. Of course I could return to drinking part-time… (Cue the loud crappy “Wrong answer” Buzzer) I began drinking regularly again, always consumed with it. Thinking about it constantly. What was I going to buy, what time do they close? Anyway, this story could probably be even longer and I truly did my best to condense it…All of this to day I’m now on day 26 and am so proud of myself. I can still hear the voice, he whispers softly to me, telling me: Come on, just once a month? Just tonight? . Everyday is still a struggle, although most times the struggle is more bearable than it was in the first 4 - 5 days. I come here often for encouragement and wish to thank you all for telling your stories, sharing the good and bad. I’m so happy that I found this group. I didn’t want AA and having to leave my house and go to some group. I’ve started exercising after work and that is a great help in keeping me on the straight and narrow. Anyhow, I hope my story can encourage someone else to finally stop. Take care everyone! 
13 Likes
Good luck on your journey. I’m finishing up day 1.
1 Like
Thanks for sharing your story. Way to go on the 26 days.
1 Like
You’re awesome for sharing your past…and even more so for being 26 days! Go get em, sis.
Congratulations. You should feel very proud. You have that snake down to a whisper and you can definitely defeat him! Thank you for sharing your story. 
️
26 days down… that’s AMAZING! Thank you for sharing your story. That is exactly why this group exists, to lean on and support each other! Keep up the great work! You should be very proud!
You should be so proud of yourself, onwards and upwards ! 