The Real Derek of Syracuse


#1

So this story isn’t as dramatic as the title would entail, but I met someone at a meeting today… I know the rules on dating and don’t intend to break em, but damn if it’s not gonna be tough.

So I got there early as is my normal routine and sit down at the table out in the other room with my coffee. Well in walks this girl I don’t think I have ever seen before. Being that there’s only a couple people there she pulls up a seat and we start talking. Turns out we have a similar story and share common interests. This girl is smart, she’s attractive and fairly successful in her career. She’s got a little over two years sober, which is a lot more than my almost 6 months, and is pretty stable in her recovery.

So without meaning to we hit it off very well. I even got over acting like a bumbling idiot haha. We didn’t make plans for a date or anything, but she’s new to the area so we agreed to meet at some meetings next week.

I know this is a potentially bad idea, but I feel like my higher power kinda put her in my path. I’m not going to act on anything but I feel like it might be inevitable if we keep running into each other…

Someone please tell me I’m an idiot and this is a terrible idea.


Question this morning
Anyone else in a sober living house?!
#2

Lol. You know my policy right. But I might be softening on it because well I’m going to have to eat crow. So I’ll be sharing with you all soon. So far be it for me to have a darn intelligent thing to share.


#3

You’re and idiot and this is a terrible idea! Lol.
Y’all are adults man. She’s got some time and obviously is aware of the “rules”. Show her around man. See where your Higher Power actually wants this to go.
Just don’t go buying rings or anything and you’ll be fine.


#4

I only read the first sentence lol. Tonight is my normal meeting night with my sponsor. He doesn’t pull any punches so a lot of this depends on what he says. He was literally me 7 years ago so I trust him more than anyone on this planet.


#5

Ah yes…Spring has arrived @Chad_R @Englishd…that season where the bees begin to buzz, the flowers open, and a bit of the fever starts to run in the veins of males.

This is also the time when I once again realize I am so freaking happy that my dating days are far behind me. Good luck, sorting this beautiful mess out.


#6

@Yoda-Stevie c’mon you’re supposed to tell me what to do! I’m an addict, I’m not known for making good choices.


#7

Same with you @Chad_R! I need some hard ass AAing right now lol.


#8

I say go for it!


#9

I’m gonna play devil’s advocate… With the amount of meetings you go to you’re bound to meet someone your attracted to. Man up D! You either want it or you don’t. If you are not ready for it you’re not ready for it. Fortunately she’s going to meetings too and she will appreciate your honestly either way. But if it makes you feel better…

IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA! STOP BEING SUCH A DUDE!


#10

I don’t believe in coincidences any more, so why not give it a try? :wink:


#11

I feel like I’m ready to at least go very slowly, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. My addict brain tends to see what it wants to see. That’s why I want everyone’s input lol


#12

Good Lord, I didn’t even know this was a thing about recovery dating until this week but it makes sense. We’ve all got issues, but don’t throw out what could be a beautiful thing because you’re scared of a rule someone else made…you don’t know until you see where it leads you. Just proceed with caution and keep your eyes and ears WIDE open! You’re a smart dude, you’ll figure it out as time goes on.


#13

I will share why I established my don’t shit where I eat policy. You may not have seen it? Okay after rehab I come home and go to meeting here in my hometown. And for those not aware we have a tiny all female rehab center here. Well I was at Norton we her ex fiancé took his life and saw his black ribbon get hung. And at my first meeting I noticed a cute little thing across the room. Well we talked a little bit and had some connections. The big one we had almost exactly the same clean time. So being naive or just an idiot I did trade numbers. Well we chatted some and it usually was innocent and I tried to keep it this way. But it did roam all over. So my ex starts to date the guy who lives right next to my home group. I left AA one night and I was hurting and/of whatever. So I got invited to come visit. Okay so let’s not sugar coat this. It was going to be 10 before I got there. And things quickly got out of hand. So after that experience it was almost like I needed to worry about her sobriety too. Fudge mine was more than I could handle. This was around 100 days. This also happens to be the time I was mowing my yard everyday for a week trying to live with myself. Two things I learned (guess kinda). Never date someone from the rooms! And if someone is close to your kids age you need to stay the f- away. I’m telling you it kicked my ass. And I was so ashamed I carried that shit alone for tooooo long. At rehab I had a roommate that put it in perspective for me…so you did a little hate f***ing. Damn I would say use your proper head to make decisions. Damn that’s been a while since I shared the full story on here lol.


#14

There’s a good reason it’s a rule though. I’ve seen first hand what can happen in early recovery romance. Granted some work out, but many others end with disastrous consequences. Now do I think I’m going to go back out? Hell no, but that could just be my ego talking. I know enough to know that I don’t know shit. I’ve never dated sober. Ever. I also wouldn’t want to affect her recovery, even though that’s her responsibility.

I definitely want to see where it leads, but it’s going to be slow if at all. For all I know she’s just really friendly and I suck at reading signs.

I just realized I’m proving why dating in early sobriety is dumb. Look how I’ve managed to complicate a pretty normal occurrence…


#15

Well bro,
You and have I discussed this briefly the other day in regards to my situation. That being said. My advice is to treat it like sobriety. ONE DAY AT A TIME! That way you don’t get ahead of yourself.
I also am a believer in everything happens for a reason so worst case scenario it doesn’t go the love and happiness route you still might get an awesome friend out of the deal. :grin:


#16

One.day.at.a.time! Right? Don’t look ahead, just be thankful for today and the moment you shared today. All that is guaranteed in life is right now! There will always be firsts and lasts we learn from, just make sure your sobriety comes first and see where things go! :slight_smile:


#17

Haha, same page. Love it!


#18

Well, i am slowly moving away from the team “women are the devil”…long story there I might share one day. I wouldnt marry her tomorrow, but taking her out for a cup of coffee wouldnt hurt.


#19

Thank you @Chad_R. I needed to hear all of that. I definitely have my blinders up on this one. I know she has a 10 month old son. She made sure to mention she’s a single mom, but is there some baby daddy drama lurking out there. Normally having a kid is a deal breaker for me (judge away, that’s just who I am and I’m okay with it) but for some reason it had the opposite effect this time. It made her more attractive. Now maybe that’s because AA is making me a better person or maybe there really is a connection here.

Either way I’m glad I’m going through this on here so I can have a good starting point when I talk with my sponsor. I’m also going to consult some old timers and some ladies I am friends with.


#20

My advice is 20 years out-of-date. Did you hear the universe crack when you met your WOI? Did you feel a ripple in The Force? If either of these things happened, you are done, my friend. Stick a fork in you, and flip you over. You are in “lizard brain” territory.

If it was just a mild attraction, like the pressure dropping with the weather, you are still likely in control of your higher faculties. Take it slow. See where it goes. Might just end up with a sober buddy to drink coffee with, which ain’t such a bad thing either.

ABC: Always Be Cool.
Compliment her on her choice of footwear.
Spend 80% of your time listening, and of the 20% of the time you are talking, make 15% asking questions about her. 5% should be about you.

There you go.