Day two has beganā¦The mood is a bit up and down, feeling alone, I like my own company, love it in factā¦ This year has been a difficult one. Many life changes happening at once leading to a break downā¦ Or how I now like to call it a breakthrough, I learned to love myself again, learned to let go of old ideals that I had to be a certain type of person to be liked. Really found myself and have loved life this past few monthsā¦a six months of mostly sober (I was able to drink in moderation, always have been)
This past few weeks, Iāve found myself stopping at a bar on the way home from work, just one or twoā¦living on my own, I had company this way, friends that I hadnāt seen for some time (because I wasnāt drinking)
Then I started picking up another bottle on the way home after the barā¦and drinking alone at home.
This time of year is always difficult for me, when everyone around is drinking having fun and spending time with family.
I find myself wanting that company. Comparing my situation to othersā¦
Today will be a test, a mental health challenge.
Sat here wanting to go out, wanting that company but with mood low and I donāt think Iād be much company at allā¦
Plus restrictions are stopping life from being anywhere near free.
11.05am, I want to message my mother to go for lunch, but the chances are it would be in a pub and I donāt want that temptation around meā¦ So instead I sit, sit in the discomfort trying to work out a way through.
Hi, I just wanted to say I understand your struggle all too wellā¦have struggled with it for years in fact. I would tell myselfā¦come on, you can have one or two, social drink and be like everyone else, and ms y times I could, or least it looked like I could, and thenā¦the bottles would be snuck in and the alone drinking would beginā¦sometimes just enough to say I successfully, but many others where I would be found by my husband, I would be carried to bed and wake up to a world of shame, guilt and self-loathing.
I came to the realization this week that Iām not other peopleā¦Iām me and I have difficulty controlling how much I drinkā¦I canāt have one or two for the long haulā¦I have to drink it all and the oath is going to kill me or destroy everything I have.
We can still have fun with our friendsā¦there is alternstives to make us feel included. There is a very large segment of our population turning from the toxicity of alcohol and moving toward āmocktailsā and they are very enjoyableā¦I never fully gave them the credit they deserve, but they are enjoyable, but most importantly staying away from booze is so importantā¦and if that means stepping away from folks for a short period of time to get a handle on how your going to approach itās worth, and you know what we are given a real opportunity with Covid hanging aroundā¦if your invited to go amongst folks who might tempt ya you right now can just sayā¦I donāt feel safe.
And weāre not for that reason of exposure of sickness but also weāre not safe because weāre not strong in our quit. Focus on you right now. You are most important, you are worth fighting for, you deserve to be free!
If you ever want to speak, please reach out. Iām day three, so I get your struggle. Weāre gonna do this, but we canāt do it alone.
I can relate. Day 2 for me. Day 1 wasnāt bad because you dont feel much like drinking when you are hungover. Day 2 sets in and you think I feel good, maybe just one. Then the voice in your head argues with the drinking voice and says no, you know what will happen. You can never have just one because the drinking voice of reason always wins and says, just one more, just one more, then you forget how many you had and you wake up with regret again. Well last night I was sitting there watching tv and having that mental argument when my phone rang. Work called and asked me to come in. It was a saving grace. I didnt drink and went into work instead for 4 hrs. I too think I can drink in moderation but most of the time I cant. I know I drink alone when Iām lonely or depressed, I drink with friends when I feel like a good time and I drink when Iām really upset. There seems to be a reason always instead of living with my feels sober. I guess we think it will make things better but it never does. Why I just cant learn that lesson and stay away from it is the real question. We just need to do some soul searching and figure things out. Iām proud of my 2 days and Iām going to work on day 3 today. Stay strong my friend.
Thank you both for your kind and supportive words.
Well day two has been a struggle with the inner torment, boredom, loneliness, unrest withinā¦i went to dinner with a friend and was so close to caving and having an alcoholic drinkā¦ Just becauseā¦ Before we ate I even suggested him coming back getting a few beers and wine in having a sleep over.
Once I had eaten that craving seemed to passā¦ On the way home I still contemplated having a drink even know I didnāt actually want one.
Iām proud to say although still time left, I havenāt and wonāt be drinking today.
Cup of tea and a candle lit evening for me with some self care in way of a bubble bath and face mask today I won
YES! That is great that you victoriously conquered another day! I know how hard that was for you! I just resisted myselfā¦had to step out for an errand, and thought itās a beautiful day let me stop for lunch, which means having a couple drinks in my language, and I pulled into a coffee shop and opened this app instead to answer some forum posts. Alcohol is a terrible tricky trickster, but not today! Iāll eat something at home and take a walk later without my wallet.
your all doing great, keep being the one in charge not your ego, that ego wants you all to itself, itās a crafty little thing always letting you think itās on your side and you know best. Itāll kill you you know.
I hope that coffee was a wonderful one also.
I often find solace in a coffee shop, I always Carry a book with me to get lost in and hours can pass
I read, sober diaries and the unexpected joy of being sober back in the summerā¦ I may dig them out and re-read for that motivation and understanding.
It was delish! Coffee shops and tea shops are always a delightā¦I have had a tendency to by pass them in the past, but itās time to fall back in love with for good!
I just ordered 5 new books to help me on working on the best version of myself. Like you, I can get lost in a good bookā¦itās finding those nuggetsā¦not always easy, but Iām on a quest now! Lol!
Hope the bath and facial mask were relaxing. Self care is soooo important. We humans forget to focus on ourselves sometimes!
I also bypassed them in the past in favour of bars. But totally agree and have spent this last year falling in love with and hunting little hideaways.
I actually have this thought of Iād love to open a quaint little coffee/bakery shop, where you can sit surrounded by books that you can buy and a section where you can swap etcā¦ And a little
What books have you ordered?
Yes the bath and face mask were wonderful thank youā¦its one of the most important things to me this past 6 months is self care, even though I still forget that sometimes.
32 years of thinking of others before myself to work on right there.
That is so funnyā¦I have always wanted to open a cat cafe with a cafe corner where folks good have an eclectic assortment of teas and coffeesā¦have some yummy pastries with book lined shelves with classics of all kinds! Cats and teaā¦best blend ever! I hit the lottery itās totally happening!
I ordered two Annie Grace booksā¦one is This Naked mind, a book by William Porter, and two books on processing grief. I have never dealt never handled death wellā¦loss in general really. I think a lot and those types of thoughts and thinking lead to me not wanting to think period hence another reason to be drunk. I have to find a healthy way to process pain and grief. So, this is my first step to diving into that. I wanted to do therapy again, but I might start here first with Covid I get nervous.
Omg, I totally get what your saying all of my adult life has been focused on pleasing others, caring for othersā¦and have simply neglected me. I think dealing with me was overwhelming so I ignored meā¦not anymore though. Itās a new day, a new chapter!
Are you reading anything interesting at the moment?
I just read the preface to the naked mind and think Im going to order that also
Loss is a difficult thing and affects everyone differently, itās hard to sit in the pain and discomfort.
Therapy would be a great place to tackle that. I recently took to therapy, for a belonging issue that stemmed from a promotion but spread through every aspect of my life. (family, work, relationship, self worth) it was difficult and exhausting but totally worth it.
Iāve also considered going back as this time of year throws up some lonely isolated feelings and itās most uncomfortable.
Anyway I digress, the reason I mentioned my therapy - I started it with a complete stranger over a zoom callā¦ I was scared at first, even asked for the camera to be off when initially setting the session upā¦ But I told myself I was being stupid and if I was to do it, then do it camera on.
Maybe your therapist can do a zoom call rather than face to faceā¦ I promise it isnt as daunting as you might think
Well done you for starting to think of you first I know how hard it is after not all of your life. Its not something that comes naturally is it, but totally worth itā¦ Self care feels so wonderful
Iām currently reading - love your imposter by Rita Cliftonā¦
Not long started it but enjoying it so far, its funny, uplifting and enlightening with a āme tooā āI have had thatā etcā¦
Iād definitely recommend it
It would be cool! They always say you should do what you loveā¦my love is animals. They just make every fiber of my being smile. I had a pups named Princie, but he passed in 2015. Once that happened I couldnāt bear to have another pups, so I adopted cats. I have three: Abi, Charlie and Duncan, and they are just the sweetest and smartest loves. Do you have any pets?
I read This Naked Mind years ago, but it didnāt stick back then, and I canāt even find it in my home, so Iām buying it again, and Iām going to really READ this this time. I think for years I just went through motions so people would leave aloneā¦no more being alone! Time to stop hiding in shadows for this old nerd
I think the zoom therapy is a great ideaā¦especially right now with the Covid cloud looming over the world. There is a woman who actually was an old professor of mineā¦I am trying to line up with her. I think having therapy as a sounding board will be extremely helpful; especially when coming to terms with my childhood/mother. I always thought I could figure out on my ownā¦that I was tough enough, but clearly that was yet another lie I told myself lol. I think you going back will be good for the soulā¦especially around this time of year. Holidays can be super hard for just about anyoneā¦I always say the more tools in the tool box the stronger our houses are
Iāll have to look that author upā¦thank you for sharing when your fully through with the book give me the full review! I love reviews! I want to pick up book called My Mothers Rules by Judge Tolerā¦I adore her and she is just so insightful. I follow her IGā¦Moānique is awesome toā¦sheās a comedian who is super motivational. All about clean eating and exercising. She has her own YouTube and website if you are ever curious about her. Annie Grace has a page with podcasts and Toler has a pageā¦I guess they all do
Well, Iām off to feed the birds and then take my morning walk before the rain comes in. Stay warm and Iāll talk to you soon! Have a blessed one!