My name is Molly and I’m addict. I’ve been struggling with my addiction for about 16 years. I started smoking weed when I was 12 and drinking at 13. By the age of 16 I had my first job. I fell at work and hurt my back pretty bad and was prescribed Percocet. I immediately fell in love with the warm fuzzy feeling I got from it. I continued to abuse pills until I was 20 and was spending over $300 a day on oxys. Then I got back into touch with a cousin of mine after he moved back to town and tried heroin for the first time. I’ll never forget that taste when I smoked it the first time, almost like burnt marshmallows. I only smoked it a few times before my cousin introduced me to the needle. He shot he up for my very first time and it was instant love. I started going down hill after that. I lost a great job and my apartment but that didn’t stop me from getting my fix everyday. I liked to think of myself as a functioning addict. I got another job and a new apartment. Shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. Already having 2 kids, 1 of which is special needs, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the pregnancy especially since I had recently split with my husband at the time. As my pregnancy progressed I became more and more excited to meet my new baby. He was born on May 14th 2013. His name is Zyler Ray. The most precious baby boy I ever laid eyes on. I was sober throughout my pregnancy and stayed sober after I had my son. I moved into a new apartment just me and the kids. Being a single mom of 3 kids was very stressful but I managed. I was doing amazing!! Little did I know everything was going to change. November 20th 2014 I was going about my nightly routine before bed of cleaning up the house and such. I got Zylers night time bottle ready like I did every night to wake him up, feed him, and change his diaper then lay him back down before I went to bed. I opened his bedroom door and walked up to his crib and reach down to stroke the side of his face as I always did to wake him up. The moment I touched his face I knew something was wrong. His skin was cold to the touch. I instantly picked him up and his little body was slightly stiff and he was not breathing. I was able to hold myself together enough to call 911 and preform CPR. What was probably less than 5 minutes for the medics to get there seemed like an eternity. I rode with him in the squad to the hospital. I was not allowed in the room with him while the drs worked on him. The wait was the worst. Before the Dr even came out to tell me, I knew my baby was gone. I could feel it. His funeral was a blur. I don’t remember it at all. After his funeral I started using again. I didn’t want to live anymore. I know I still had 2 children living but the pain of losing him was unbearable. I overdosed 7 times in 3 days. A friend of mine was staying with me after his death and if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here today. My addiction spiraled out of control. I lost custody of my kids and ended up in prison. I did 4 months in prison and got out and started using again. Long story short I met a guy and fell in love, or so I thought. Started helping him sell drugs. Eventually the inevitable happened and we got busted. I got sent back to prison for 3 1/2 years this time. During my incarceration I was able to reconnect with my mother and my children. I was released April 21st 2019. Due to issues between my mom and I, I left her house a few weeks ago. The day after I left I relapsed and went on a binge until yesterday. We may have our issues but the first person I called was my mom to come get me from the dope house that I was at and asked her to help me get help. I never want to go back to the person that I used to be in the past. I have struggled with my addiction for many years but I am finally ready to be 100% done with it and live a sober life and be the best mom I can be. I was away from my kids for 6 years. The deserve a sober mother who is present. I’m thankful that my mom stepped up and took my kids when they were taken from me. I apologise for the length of this post but I hope you enjoy it and maybe I can inspire someone to stay sober.
Thanks for sharing, not a pretty story, but a real life story I’ve read and heard my share of.
Mom’s are amazing people, no one will love you and believe in you like a mom in my experience.
Now you are getting a chance to close that chapter of your book and start a new one, one where you’re the blessing of being the mom who can care for, believe in, love, teach and comfort for your kids.
The pain of losing a child isn’t something I can comprehend, not something I wish on anyone. By your accounts, you should probably be dead, but you’re not, you’re not done living yet, live life the way you want to from now on.
That is a heavy share, Molly. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure. I know for certain that I would not have made it through the crucible you’ve faced. You are made of some incredible stuff. Please do whatever it takes to get to that place you want to be. I think you’ve got a purpose you’re meant to fulfill, and I’m eager to see what that is. You deserve the life you want, find the help you need to get there. If there’s anything we can do, please reach out.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. My heart is heavy for you. 
You are a strong woman. Keep moving forward in your sobriety. Thank you for sharing and I am glad you are here.