So the ex came and spent the night last night.
It was beautiful. We talked. No arguing. It was really beautiful. I discovered why she had mood swings. She has been low key doing coke and shit. Coke is what resulted in our downward spiral in to meth. When she told me that it all made sense. Like she is only working her program so she can have enough freedom to do what she wants. That’s none of my business I guess. I care about her but she is clearly going to do what she wants to do. That realization is what has me crying out of control right now…we spent two months apart. When she got to my house she looked beautiful. No longer sick. Mentally however she was still kind of all over the place. Then this morning we talk. I tell her that the mutual friend that she did blow with isn’t her friend because a real friend who was genuinely concerned about you wouldn’t offer someone in recovery coke. She then blew up on me. Told me we shouldn’t talk anymore. That I know nothing.
It hurts. I however see how our paths are heading in different directions. I am serious about my recovery. I don’t put myself in situations where i may be offered drugs or tempted. I don’t put myself in situations where i may be tempted to drink. I know my triggers.
It just really breaks my heart.
I can’t talk to my friends about this.
I don’t even know what to do.
The tears drying on my face burn my soul. The short breaths from crying shatter my heart into smaller pieces with every inhale.
Why did I wake up today