The sudden realization you have to leave someone behind


#1

So the ex came and spent the night last night.
It was beautiful. We talked. No arguing. It was really beautiful. I discovered why she had mood swings. She has been low key doing coke and shit. Coke is what resulted in our downward spiral in to meth. When she told me that it all made sense. Like she is only working her program so she can have enough freedom to do what she wants. That’s none of my business I guess. I care about her but she is clearly going to do what she wants to do. That realization is what has me crying out of control right now…we spent two months apart. When she got to my house she looked beautiful. No longer sick. Mentally however she was still kind of all over the place. Then this morning we talk. I tell her that the mutual friend that she did blow with isn’t her friend because a real friend who was genuinely concerned about you wouldn’t offer someone in recovery coke. She then blew up on me. Told me we shouldn’t talk anymore. That I know nothing.
It hurts. I however see how our paths are heading in different directions. I am serious about my recovery. I don’t put myself in situations where i may be offered drugs or tempted. I don’t put myself in situations where i may be tempted to drink. I know my triggers.
It just really breaks my heart.
I can’t talk to my friends about this.
I don’t even know what to do.

The tears drying on my face burn my soul. The short breaths from crying shatter my heart into smaller pieces with every inhale.
Why did I wake up today


#2

You woke up today because you needed to know that, indeed, your paths are heading in different directions. It may not be the closure you need, but it’s a fact. I know you want to stay close to that relationship because in a lot of ways it makes you feel good. But it seems that in a lot more ways it’s really bad.

Maybe look at it this way… In the now, you two are bad for each other. But… What about 6 months from now? A year from now? When you both have a ton of clean time and have worked on your personal problems? When you are strong and confident? How much better would this relationship be? You will never know if you don’t go your separate ways and heal as individuals.

I’m with you buddy.


#3

I think more then advice I just need to say it loud and let it go… its been over a year since brake up with ex, but from time to time we still live together. I new he is dating (or hanging out) with smb else but while drinking I just needed him beside me (so pathetic) and was ok to sleep together just not to feel lonely. But know since beeing sober returned my self confidence that stopped. Still I feel sad about the realization that is really over. On one side I do still like friendly conversations in the evenings but on another I feel how is messing with my emocions (like getting extremely angry even he tooks his phone). I have really difficult time to decide if to continue this or just cut him of my life at all. At least its first time that theese kinda of fights and feelings dont wake up desire to drink I even feel stronger for sobriety and how much easier is it to cope with all emocions while beeing sober


#4

Sorry it is a bit out of your topic :expressionless:


#5

Hang in there buddy… It is hard to realize that you have to let someone so close to you go. But you will get through it… one day at a time. Some days harder than others, some days easier than others, just depends how youre feeling that day ya know. Just know its not the end of the world.
She may realize she wants to be in recovery one day, she might not. You can just distance yourself for right now. Like you said, you cant be around her of she is choosing to use. If shes using, shes not in recovery, period! Keep it simple, dont try to complicate things.
I know that will be easier said than done, but you have to be willing. Have the willingness to do whats best for your recovery. Sounds like you know what you need to do, and yes it will be hard. But you will get through without a drink or drug! Know thats right! It will be okay. Hang in there


#6

@Modestakieran And @Just4Today
Thank you both for replying. I just woke up. It’s noon. Apparently I cried so hard I fell asleep. The last thing I recall thinking was “I’m only gonna lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself for another fourth five mins.” Clearly my body was like "hmmmm no! How about five hours of sleep instead"
I just got out the shower and I am in a fog. Like I feel so blahzah blah. I am trying to articulate it but I can’t. I just don’t feel like me. I guess it could be termed as an “emotional hangover” i don’t want to move. I want to sit in the dark. I want to listen to three days grace while eating ice cream with peanut butter.
Idk


#7

I would go with Breaking Benjamin personally. :stuck_out_tongue:

Probably, or definitely, an emotional hangover meets the too much sleep foginess. Your body and brain are screaming “HEY YOU BASTARD! THINGS ARE SHITTY! EAT COOKIES!” And you should listen. It’s your body and brains way of making you start to process. Do it. It’s not fun, but at least some of those emotions will start to spend themselves.

Rinse. Repeat.

We all suck at this living thing when we are trying to stay clean and recover. At least in the beginning. And how not? We’ve been medicating all this shit for years. I can’t even tell you how many ridiculously juvenile emotional breakdowns I’ve had since I got clean. It’s like I’m PMSing every few days sometimes. But I’m getting better about it and that excites me. One day I may actually be a grown ass woman when it comes to this life thing! Haha, still got a ways to go though.


#8

Breaking Benjamin? Send me some track titles lol
And to be honest as much as a I love yogart and fresh fruit. My breakup like depression set in. I just ate two handfuls or white popcorn. A few girl scout cookies and I am fighting every urge I have to just go crazy on this ice cream. Like I hella wanna veg out and watch Netflix wrapped in a blanket. (Yes, even guys do it, no matter how strong we appear on the outside)

This life thing is pretty fuckin difficult to. After all the years of medicating I am such an emotional mess. Here is a prime example. The other day. My best friend and his friends were all hanging out together. At a point she had looked me up and down and said “you look good! You look healthy! It’s nice to see you not as a walking skeleton” she smiled and I excused myself. I went to the bathroom and broke down hard. It felt so good for someone to actually give me a compliment. I felt so bad that I didn’t know how to appropriately receive a compliment.
To be honest. I front like my confidence is back at 100% and that I have not a care in the world but the truth is, a microcosm under the surface, I am shaky as jello. You add a hug to the mix and I am a weepy puddle of nikelodon gak

So since I’m like 6 hours past my normal schedule. I am doing dishes. Cleaning up and not trying to interrupt my regular routine as much.
Sadly, my best friend flaked on the gym last night. He texted me to apologize this morning and I lashed out at him. His text fell after the situation with the ex and I this morning. So after I finish writing this. I am going to send him an apology. Explain why I lashed out at him unwarranted. I have been doing such a good job (or so I think) being a better friend. An attentive friend. Someone who is reliable. I just feel 10000 times shittier now. But one step at a time. I have to fix what I can. And right now I can start with my friend.
Let’s hope he understands. Because I am down to three friends and that’s it


#10

Thanks for sharing. Today’s my first day coming across you. And as I read this thread I could definitely see the emotional hangover;my bf has em at times. And I know the average female may be surprised by it, but it’s like this: society talks about men always being strong n not emotional (except anger n jealousy basically). But we’re humans, we’re multifaceted. So go through your emotions n heal. You did make me laugh with Netflix n pigging out though cuz I could so go for that,but I’m trying to get my eating under control again (that n exercising). The compliments part that’ll take time,but you’ll get better at receiving them. And I hope your friend understands;I think he will


#11

Man, this thread hit me really hard. I know that feeling that you have to let someone go in order to heal. In order to take that clean time to make yourself whole. I think that’s one of the hardest parts about getting clean. You have all these people who you love so much, but the lives you live together aren’t sustainable anymore and so you have to make a change. You have to walk away for a while and see how things are when you come back in a few months or years. Hang in there, you aren’t alone! We go through it too.


#12

I am certainly that “badass chick.” People think I got all my shit together. They also think I’m hard as a rock. Hahahahaha. Haha. HAAAHAHAAAAA! Nope. I was just scrubbing my bathroom, listening to some live trance music, and just started BAWLING! There was this absolutely beautiful part that just made my emotions go crazy. I got goose bumps, then that lump in my throat, and bam, game over.

SHIT, it’s happening right now!

Anyway, I just kept scrubbing (like I just keep tryping) and cried my eyes out. Feels so damn good!

The only people that know any of this are three of my coworkers. And now y’all. Everyone has crazy emotions. I HATE that men (and tomboyish lesbians like me) are “supposed” to not express this shit. Why not?

Sorry, ranting. I feel very strongly about it.


#13

Thank you for ranting.
It helps to not feel like the only one holding on by a string.
I cried while doing the dishes earlier.
I felt so silly but it felt good. I remember just thinking to myself " I must look crazy, like who cries doing the dishes." Apparently me lol.


#14

It’s all a façade. Society makes you “think” it or think that you have to fit into it, and if you don’t, something is somehow wrong with you. Women are supposed to soft, fragile, delicate, overly emotional. Men are supposed to be hard, strong, invincible. I mean I get it and agree with it, to a certain extent. I mean I’m not looking for a wimpy man and my man ain’t looking for a princess on a pedestal, but at the same time I’m ok with being his shoulder to cry on and the strong arms that hold him when he needs to let go. Like I said before,as humans we’re made up of different parts and emotions regardless of gender. Society is always gonna have their thing. But if we teach the ones after us better,they can make a difference in someone else’s life, hopefully for the better.


#15

Very well articulated.


#16

Thanks 2way


#17

It blows that I can’t be with my baby’s father. I feel like he was my last stop on the way to partnership. Like, I could take lovers in the future but I can’t drag my heart around in all this again. And I am fine being single, but it’s like, am I only fine being alone because I let myself be ruined playing his “you can safely love me” game?

Anyway, I have only heard this one Breaking Benjamin album that I got before they were big. It’s pretty good. The way they say polyamorous makes me laugh because floating in poly circles I have never heard anyone pronounce the word like he does.

When I go for weepy music it is generally Chevelle or Fiona Apple Idler Wheel.


#18

Pretty much anything Breaking Benjamin is amazing. I personally think that the albums should be heard the way they are, from start to finish. Saturate is probably my favorite, if only because it was the first one I heard.