Hello friends,
I am currently trying to find a therapist. In the meantime I would just like a general poll of opinions on my situation. I’ve not done anything illegal but I almost wish I had so that I could be punished and feel some kind of equalization for what I consider serious crimes against my morals.
I have anger issues. I have for YEARS. I understand a good bit about letting it settle and dealing with it in positive ways, and I’ve not had many times when it really got ugly.
However… And I am so ashamed of this because I know how terrible these actions are… I sometimes take it out on others physically. When I was a teenager I would sometimes hit my sisters (and they have forgiven me for this but I cannot let go) and recently due to some new stressors I have hit my dog a few times.
I am terrified. This awful awful compulsion encourages actions that are so out of line with my personal virtues that I literally have thrown up and have considered suicide again. I am safe and this is not an emergent issue but it is important to me that I never abuse another again.
Once when I was on a business trip with some people I really disliked, I planned out their murder. I nearly went through with it. On another occasion I nearly raped a young woman who was acting rather suggestively. I told myself it would serve her right.
Is there anyone here who has done things? Anyone who has fought this kind of shame? I know that I am not my thoughts, but they leave me crying myself to sleep sometimes, even years later.
Thank you for your thoughts, and I will let you know when I can get professional help.
Nate