The things I've done and can't forgive. TRIGGER WARNING ( Violent and intrusive thoughts)

Hello friends,

I am currently trying to find a therapist. In the meantime I would just like a general poll of opinions on my situation. I’ve not done anything illegal but I almost wish I had so that I could be punished and feel some kind of equalization for what I consider serious crimes against my morals.

I have anger issues. I have for YEARS. I understand a good bit about letting it settle and dealing with it in positive ways, and I’ve not had many times when it really got ugly.

However… And I am so ashamed of this because I know how terrible these actions are… I sometimes take it out on others physically. When I was a teenager I would sometimes hit my sisters (and they have forgiven me for this but I cannot let go) and recently due to some new stressors I have hit my dog a few times.

I am terrified. This awful awful compulsion encourages actions that are so out of line with my personal virtues that I literally have thrown up and have considered suicide again. I am safe and this is not an emergent issue but it is important to me that I never abuse another again.

Once when I was on a business trip with some people I really disliked, I planned out their murder. I nearly went through with it. On another occasion I nearly raped a young woman who was acting rather suggestively. I told myself it would serve her right.

Is there anyone here who has done things? Anyone who has fought this kind of shame? I know that I am not my thoughts, but they leave me crying myself to sleep sometimes, even years later.

Thank you for your thoughts, and I will let you know when I can get professional help.

Nate

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Nothing abnormal in my opinion, I had two loving parents and we rarely hurt for anything.

If anger issues are genetic (plenty of controversy about things like that) my mum would shout and curse a lot when she was upset, and she did discipline us physically. But never ever beat us.

I know that some traumas are repressed and I may not recognize it yet. We will see, I suppose, with a trained professional to walk me through.

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I have done things in the past that have been hard to live with. I’ve had nightmares about them. It was a long time ago and nothing can be done now. I’ve knelt in a church and prayed for forgiveness. The only thing to do is change your behavior and forgive yourself. Doing so will give you a great capacity to forgive others. That’s how you make amends. I’m happy to read you’re seeking out a therapist. Please be kind to yourself.

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