To start again. It’s no excuse, but once I relapsed 2 weeks ago, I was like well…fuck it. I had a wedding coming up (just this Sat.) and just couldn’t imagine doing it sober with so little time. So I didn’t stop.
I stopped resetting because I was drinking nearly every day with a few exceptions. I didn’t NEED to drink, the cravings weren’t always there, but I knew I had a deadline and in a twisted way was making the most of it? Lol, I know, the mind of an addict.
What I did want to share was how upset I was waking up at 1am following the night of the wedding. We pretty much were drinking all day. Mimosas starting at 8:30am while we were getting ready, breakfast beer then beer and whiskey the whole day through. I got so messed up, at one point, I remember thinking, I’m not going to remember this, I think I’m in a black out.
Yeah, don’t remember much after that. There are these amazing pictures on my phone, and I don’t remember taking them, being in them, etc. It’s weird. I even had a whole conversation in text with my sister - that’s just gone. No memory whatsoever.
So after waking up at 1am I was panicking the whole night (no, I didn’t sleep) about what I said, did I get in a fight? Did I piss off the bride? Why were my husband and I fighting on the way home (I remember crying in the car). On top of that, horrible feelings of guilt for leaving my daughter with my sister, (who agreed to that? Is that what my daughter wanted?) And leaving all my crap at our airbnb, which my sister ended up picking up.
Everything ended up fine. I apparently did behave myself, but it’s the crazy not knowing, because I’ve made an ass of myself before and for sure am capable of doing it again. Anyways, this was a long rant. Today is day 2. Groggy and tired. Glad I didn’t drink yesterday. Glad I have you guys.