This first pic of my face is to break my shell as hard as that feels…
Hi everyone, to those who don’t yet know me I’m Sven, a 23 year old currently living in Australia. As a direct consequence of child abuse, I developed: an eating disorder (anxiety of food to the point of impulsive vomiting at the mere thought, sight, smell, mention etc); a masturbation addiction (gradually taking an eye-openingly distasteful turn); and so-called maladaptive daydreaming (extensively immersing myself in fantasy realities as an escape). These, together with a number of lesser addictions and problems, noteably ticks or more temporary gaming, movie, alcohol (only later) or other obsessions or dependencies, totally controlled every aspect of my everyday life since the psychological abuse started at a very young age. Few people know the extent of the trauma. My eating disorder has meanwhile had an almost complete recovery, starting I remember, after I was one day indirectly noticed and simply asked ‘if I was ok?’ by one of my older sisters, both of who as it turned out had developed bulimia at the time and took me under their wing for a while… The other two addictions continued however, taking many years of conscious mindfulness to even acknowledge and start working through. Although I feel like I’m finally slowly turning the tides via very determined rewiring - the last noteable leap being this past year where I went through a deep depression for the first time, and isolated myself, self-sabotaged, soul-searched and tried to work upon myself and my past like never before, in a way as a cry for help. That gradually simmered down, but has left me extremely conscious about my place in this world, lifestyle, past and future… I no longer want to live a hopeless, subconscious and dependent life of eternal victimhood and distraction, I actually have a dream and firm goal no matter how long it takes me! I WILL let go, move on, grow, heal, learn, progress, shine and treasure freedom and love for as long as I have left because they’re what make life worthwhile! If there’s something I do know about myself, it’s that I’m strong deep down, and I do care because I know better!
Though I might never forget, I forgive myself, my father and all that’s hurt me by not knowing better. Because I do… So I choose to break that cycle! You can too! I wouldn’t be here without my experiences, wouldn’t have met you, stumbled across spirituality, philosophy, critical thinking, consciousness, self-awareness and mindfulness along the way, appreciated love in the same way, known what its like to be on the losing end, the list goes on… I can choose whether I want to learn from things and shine or not.
I want to come clean maybe to a few of your disappointment, I’d achieved the 1 month mark the day before yesterday (what a bloody milestone!), but relapsed out of the blue yesterday. But I’m not stupid, my rebirth has reached a point of no return I feel, and I’ll never again allow my life to be compromised like before by anyone or thing (let alone myself), my journey has taught me too much… Months or years of a conscious struggle are nothing compared to a lost lifetime, and past mistakes only serve as a lesson and reason if anything!
Tomorrow I’m participating in a relay marathon, and in 3 days time I’m seeing a psychologist for the first time, go me! So here I am anyways, just another you in different shoes. Hope I haven’t rambled too long and you’ll see me around and growing odaat folks… Have patience, all you need is love. Hope you have a good and productive day!