This is for myself


This first pic of my face is to break my shell as hard as that feels…

Hi everyone, to those who don’t yet know me I’m Sven, a 23 year old currently living in Australia. As a direct consequence of child abuse, I developed: an eating disorder (anxiety of food to the point of impulsive vomiting at the mere thought, sight, smell, mention etc); a masturbation addiction (gradually taking an eye-openingly distasteful turn); and so-called maladaptive daydreaming (extensively immersing myself in fantasy realities as an escape). These, together with a number of lesser addictions and problems, noteably ticks or more temporary gaming, movie, alcohol (only later) or other obsessions or dependencies, totally controlled every aspect of my everyday life since the psychological abuse started at a very young age. Few people know the extent of the trauma. My eating disorder has meanwhile had an almost complete recovery, starting I remember, after I was one day indirectly noticed and simply asked ‘if I was ok?’ by one of my older sisters, both of who as it turned out had developed bulimia at the time and took me under their wing for a while… The other two addictions continued however, taking many years of conscious mindfulness to even acknowledge and start working through. Although I feel like I’m finally slowly turning the tides via very determined rewiring - the last noteable leap being this past year where I went through a deep depression for the first time, and isolated myself, self-sabotaged, soul-searched and tried to work upon myself and my past like never before, in a way as a cry for help. That gradually simmered down, but has left me extremely conscious about my place in this world, lifestyle, past and future… I no longer want to live a hopeless, subconscious and dependent life of eternal victimhood and distraction, I actually have a dream and firm goal no matter how long it takes me! I WILL let go, move on, grow, heal, learn, progress, shine and treasure freedom and love for as long as I have left because they’re what make life worthwhile! If there’s something I do know about myself, it’s that I’m strong deep down, and I do care because I know better!

Though I might never forget, I forgive myself, my father and all that’s hurt me by not knowing better. Because I do… So I choose to break that cycle! You can too! I wouldn’t be here without my experiences, wouldn’t have met you, stumbled across spirituality, philosophy, critical thinking, consciousness, self-awareness and mindfulness along the way, appreciated love in the same way, known what its like to be on the losing end, the list goes on… I can choose whether I want to learn from things and shine or not.

I want to come clean maybe to a few of your disappointment, I’d achieved the 1 month mark the day before yesterday (what a bloody milestone!), but relapsed out of the blue yesterday. But I’m not stupid, my rebirth has reached a point of no return I feel, and I’ll never again allow my life to be compromised like before by anyone or thing (let alone myself), my journey has taught me too much… Months or years of a conscious struggle are nothing compared to a lost lifetime, and past mistakes only serve as a lesson and reason if anything!

Tomorrow I’m participating in a relay marathon, and in 3 days time I’m seeing a psychologist for the first time, go me! So here I am anyways, just another you in different shoes. Hope I haven’t rambled too long and you’ll see me around and growing odaat folks… Have patience, all you need is love. Hope you have a good and productive day! :heart:

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Nice to see you Sven.
What a great step you have taken by sharing your story with us. I hope it will really help you a lot along with the things you are already doing. Great job on that forgiveness part. That’s huge.
Good luck in your marathon and I hope your psychologist is a good fit for you.
:pray:t2::heart:

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Everything you wrote is so important and meaningful. To your dreams and goals!
And your marathon! Rooting for your success in all of it. The support is here for you as you know.

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It’s lovely to see you! Thank you for this share. I think you are doing such a good job at working through your addictions. I’m so glad that I found this place and that we can all do this together. Good luck in the marathon, I wish you all the best moving forward. :pray:t2::two_hearts:

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Hi Sven… it’s good to see you. I’m going to tell you some of what you told me. It’s really brave of you to share your story, and you’re not alone, never alone. I’m so sorry you went through any sort of abuse. You deserved, then and now, love and nurturing and understanding, and you have an entire group of friends here who want to give that to you now. Sending you so much love, and the big warm hug thing is coming your way. :hugs::wink::heart:

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Thank you for sharing this!

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Hi Sven. Well done sharing and posting the photo. I know how difficult and uncomfortable that can be. And good job sharing your story, it takes a lot of courage. Good to meet you :+1:

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Great to have you along with us here and thanks for sharing. In some sence we’re all preparing or have begun running a marathon that is our life some of us running full steam or fall back to a walk or crawl but trying to endure the ever constant pain that can come with it can be tough but as long as we keep moving forward in the right direction we all get closer to the finish line, like another 24 hr we get through theres always more of the race waiting just preparing for the challenges that come our way like the hills and valleys set our minds to making it successfully to the end.🏃‍♂.🚵‍♂.:sunrise_over_mountains:

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Hey @Dazercat, @Alisa, @Blondie1x, @ShesGotMoxie, @Tomek, @Hailstrom and @jonathanlee213! Thanks so much for your heads up and love, it feels good to have you here and put a big smile on my face to read through all your messages… Love yous guys. :hugs:

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Go you! Great to meet you, Sven, and share this space with you. We all have different, unique stories, but have so much more in common when we share our recovery journeys. Grateful you shared yours and blessed to be a part of this journey with you.
I trust you are basking in post-relay success, and I hope your psychologist appointment was as enriching as mine are! :orange_heart:

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Thanks for these words Emm! :heart: I nearly didn’t go, but am extremely glad I did… :pray:

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Thank you for your honesty. I hope your journey takes you where your need to be. I am with you🙏

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