This is tough isn't it!?


#24

It is fascinating to hear your story as dissected by your pen. It is brave needless to say. Giving me couragement to start talking…from the beginning.
Nice to have you in the forum.


#25

Nice to meet you @LuluJo. I am grateful for the encouragement. It’s been a hell of a tricky task to embark on but the good fortune of stumbling across this forum has really helped! You are very welcome to steal my exercise of free writing and use this thread as a quiet corner of the forum to place your findings. Instead of panning for gold it’s a bit like panning for turds… (Sorry, that was disgusting.) Happy New year to you and your clan. X


#26

It is tough. Day 3 here too. Keep checking back, I know I’m going to have to!! Its like having AA in my pocket!! On the go!!


#27

Talk about an unpacked suitcase. Mine is vacuum packed. It took me fifty years to stuff it, I have no clue to if it ever could be freed at all. Bits and pieces perhaps. I am desperately trying to find a reason to do so, hang on to life. My parents and one of my friends, I don’t want them to suffer. For now that is all I can focus on. Day 74.


#28

Jonathan, it’s very nice to meet you. Your honesty and willingness to look at the evolution of your drinking is incredible. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is tough. So very tough. We have lifetimes of maladaptive behaviors to untangle. It’s a great gift not to have to do it alone.


#29

I understand, there is no rush to get unpacking. If ever you fancy a chat don’t hesitate to give me a nudge. X


#30

Hello there @MoCatt. Great to meet you to! As I go through this first week there is allot that is breaking apart and I have made a promise to myself to do this as gently as possible, but also as openly as possible. Historically for me drinking has been very closely connected with a problem with honesty and self honesty now is what’s needed most. Doing this in written form for me is much safer than having to talk it out verbally. I would be a mumbling mess. I feel so lucky to be here as this forum is clearly very special. X


#31

Agreed. I hated sharing in AA verbally bc I would either cry or just stutter the entire time. We live in an age now that ‘social media is the norm’ and there are other outlets for us to express ourselves. I feel if we can be open and honest here that we do stand a chance at sobriety without going to AA meetings.


#32

Aye! You have to try as much as you can it seems and go with what works at that given time. I talk for a living and when the spotlight is on me directly my head gets constipated. Hugs to you compadre!


#33

Hi Jonathan. Yep it’s tough and for me too this is only day 3. I am sorry those awful things happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. Us Irish folk have a very unhealthy relationship with drink.

I have read some interesting articles about the link between Irish people being displaced and never getting over the trauma. Even if it’s true we need to just stop self harming. It’s gone on for too long.

I hope your little boy brings you joy. Babies can be hard work too so reach out for help if things get too much for you.

I am doing ok but I am very good at cooling myself so I don’t entirely trust my judgement.

One of my oldest friends is in town this weekend and I could blow things big time. I’m really going to try not to.

I’ve read this a lot and my new mantra is ‘drinking never made things better’.

Goodnight, sleep well.


#35

Try therapy.
Meetings makes you feel “lighter”, but they don’t solve the problems you have.


#36

Hello there @Determined50. Lovely to meet you! Thank you for reaching out, yeah these early days are tricky to navigate and I have been a little like the incredible hulk to live with. Yeah reaching back through a few generations of my family there is all sorts of epic trauma, my father lost his dad when he was 4 yrs old due to TB that he had contracted on hunger strike in prison for trying to blow up an English Police Station near Black Rock. The finger prints of cultural chaos on an epic scale aren’t very far from the surface. I do feel massively proud of the wonderful steps forward that Ireland has taken in recent years as so much of the western world has lept further right in their politics.

I hear what you are saying about the prospect of having your friend in town. My best mate and his family visited us on New Year and he drinks like a fish, we both have been big drinkers together over the years. I had to fess up to him when he arrived and he was really supportive. I would suggest doing this if you feel it will help with your friend. If you get in a tangle don’t hesitate to reach out. I don’t have any magic spells or anything but am very happy to be here if you need me.

Rooting for you mr!


#37

Hello there PannaAnna, Yes Therapy has saved my bacon over the last 18 months but I have been going for the issues rather than the drinking, now the drinking is ending and I am trying to keep a handle on the issues. Anti Depressants have also been a huge help. Best wishes to you!


#38

It’s hard being an alcoholic. I wasted years trying to use math to maintain my drinking. 3 glasses of wine, 1 per hour, substract hard liqour, add beer. I finally have to accept that 1 drink of anything is equal to or greater than 20 drinks. I step off the planet into a dead zone called blackout. Once I’m in that madness, i bust shit up, i bust people up, i break into fragments of insanity and into person i don’t know or like. It’s still hard to accept that i let this happen for so long. Why couldn’t i get it? I have 2 daughters, 25 and 28 that had to grow up with an alcoholic mom. That’s my biggest regret. This disease had such a hold on me. I didnt think i could live without liqour. I thought I’d suffer… so selfish and sick booze had made me. We’ve suffered enough drinking. I was still a good mom, but my drinking still hurt my girls. I could have been a great mom. I hurt them the most in the last few years, when the disease really progressed. I still have a chance to rebuild my relationships, but only if I’m sober. 1 year sober. First sober year of my adult life. Happy, joyous, free… i feel that sometimes and sometimes I’m just ok. Drunk lola still lives in my head. I tell drunk lola to sit down and shut up on a regular basis lol. We all have a 24 hour reprieve, you can do it!!! Love from lola


#39

Pretty epic alright! Ireland has finally been kicked into the real world, thank God for that.

Good advice about feeding up, thanks. It’s really the only honest way to deal with things.

My email address seems to have been shared. That scares me cos I really don’t want my identity being disclosed.

Are email addresses disclosed to other members?


#40

Hello mate, I am new here also so don’t know the formal answer but I have just had a little look around your profile page and couldn’t see your email address. There is a place to message you but no email. My email is on my own page when I look at it but I assume it’s not visible to others. Rooting for you this weekend and hope you have a good time with your friend.


#41

Thanks a million for checking Jonathan! I can see my email address but not yours. Phew!! How was your day today? Did you stay off the drink?

I did well. I are a lot of biscuits and 2 large scones. I will probably be the only person who gains weight by not drinking.

I am sleeping much better. That’s a bonus.

I still had a crap day at work. My mood was low and I called into Lidl on the way home with the intention of buying alcohol free beer. They don’t stock it. I’ve never drunk alcohol free beer. I don’t feel bad about it. I’m going to see it as a positive step. At least I didn’t drink alcohol and have no intention of drinking tonight.

I hope you are feeling strong today and resisting any urge to drink


#42

Should read ‘fessing’ up. It’s a scary combination of seeing an old friend and also being in Dublin. It can be a deadly combination. I’ll update you after the weekend.


#43

Hey fella. Yes I also ate like I’ve got a bloody tape worm today. I’m going to have to try and kerb that a little so I don’t turn into a duvet by the time I get to 90days. Today at work time went painfully slow, it has done all week to be honest, it’s been one of the longest weeks of my life. I’m dry though. Grrrrrrr! (Grits teeth and heads to bed with some herbal tea.) Keep your chin up buddy! Hang in there!


#44

I’m feeling the same as my father is currently visiting me on holidays, staying with me and drinking. First of all he pushes all my buttons and I want to drink to drown him out and then second he brings in a bit more alcohol everyday. I’m persevering though :blush: