This is tough isn't it!?

Free writing journal update, this thread is the first one I made here and keep returning to it to deposit thoughts and address the first questions I had in my head when I arrived here.

This post is quite dark in places.

Week 4 is midway and the free writing has gone into overdrive, I do some at the beginning and end of every day approx 40 mins a day just writing. No plan or desired outcome, the only rule is to not stop writing or pause or think until the timer has ended. The objective is to codify the emotional reasons why I drink.

This week shame, self doubt and sex are in my mind, they have always been in my mind but a recurring set of words are appearing on the pages every day and I am pulling them to the surface.

We had IVF to have our baby, we lied to the drs to say we had been trying and trying and we hadnt, thats not cool, I know. truth is, is I cant do physical intimacy, intimacy and sex has always been a performance, a fake thing that I sit outside of myself and watch, watch myself phoning it in. Lots of relationships have ended because of this. When my sexual identity began in puberty it was broken and forced in an unhealthy direction and ended up being wired wrong. I want to get it but sex is so hard wired in with shame and humiliation that I dont know how to do it.

The performance of sex and being with people is so unusual to me, I find both men and women attractive but I dont want to see anyone’s junk. At fifteen I would vomit on myself when servicing men in an underground club called the Dorchester in Birmingham. Sex tastes like vomit, vodka vomit. My mums friend Iain took me there, i was convinced that that was my thing, thats what young boys did. I can talk about it and rationalise it but my body doesn’t listen. Its like being burned and now physically I cant go near fire. How do you do it? How do you re-programme your brain to do it, to be in your body more, or in your body at all. In 2015 I met an artist called Ron Athey a few years ago and was transfixed with his art work, his work is based on religious iconography, sex, BDSM and his blood, he was diagnosed wit Aids in the mid 80s in San Fransisco and he luckily lived. He always uses blood in his shows. It was like seeing the key images of my childhood being explored in art, his work is not about abuse in any way and having met and spent time with him he is a lovely gentle man. and through his art he is able to explore the viscera of his life. it got me thinking that by exploring ritual and gesture I could unpack, and safely confront the mess, huge fucking mess in my head and in my bones. All of this happened and it was 20 years before I could articulate it, I had dissociated enough to have blanked chunks of my post puberty life out.

Pre puberty my life was colourful and vivid because my father was there, he knew how to be around children to be vivid and available. all of the hugs I give people are based on my fathers hugs. Once puberty hit it triggered something in my parents that stopped them from knowing how to engage with them. My mother was smashed up by her parents and rendered drunk broken and unable to hug or be caring, when she first met my baby son the first thing she said was ‘when you were this age, i didn’t know how to love you…’ Both of my parents had been so sexually repressed by their staunch catholic upbringing that talking to a teenager was like talking to an extra terrestrial. Iain made me feel safe when this was going on, he saw me being emotionally estranged and he became my parents, he made me feel special. He had requirements though, I am 40 and only now I can talk about it those requirements.

‘Here’s to those who have suffered no suffering’ Patti Smith

2 Likes

Thanks for sharing Jonathan!

There’s a lot to unpack there. Between that and your wife’s health I’d say it might be wise to seek a therapist. There’s some sensitive subjects that deserve reflection with a professional leading the way.

I’m an advocate for using Tantra to heal from sexual trauma, but once again, perhaps consulting a professional might be in order before going down that road.

I commend your ability to be open and vulnerable. You have amazing strength. Keep up this amazing introspection!

Hey there Mitch, I have been seeing a therapist who specialises in male victims of sexual abuse for about a year or so. Part of the process there is about slowly and gingerly being talking about it outside of the therapy space. This isn’t a busy thread at all and I’m happy with that. It helps to name and vocalise this in a semi public semi anonymous way. Really grateful for the advice and I hope the sun is on your shoulders wherever you are. X

1 Like

Glad that you’re getting the support you need, my friend! I wish you some peace and respite soon. Your ‘head-on’ approach is certainly inspiring. Reach out if you need to!

For a long time I’ve known that getting sober was needed but I have been the king of excuses. I have left myself with little other than a ‘full steam ahead’ approach. I am taking care too take care though. This free writing excersise each day has saved my bacon big time. Hugs too you mate. X

1 Like

Just returned from a short visit to the Florida Keys. Very beautiful place. Rebounding from the smash up of Hurricane Irma

I’m so sorry you went through so much sexual trauma from such a young age. You articulate very well. I can make no such sense in writing of my own life. How is your wife’s condition?

It really is a struggle! Some days seem like sunshine and all that rosy shit and others it’s a bed of nails and thorns. The first 2 weeks were treacherous. Then it was all peachy for a couple months. Then bam, the shitstorm came to town. It’s a rollercoaster and you have to hold on for dear life at times. Some days it is a kiddy coaster and other days it’s gut wrenching, tear jerking ride. I embrace the momentary lapses of reason when I have them. And I let my feelings flow even though feelings suck!

Hello buddy, it’s tragic how much of a lashing the states have had with the weather. Rowena is ok, they are operating today if all is well and we will see how that goes. She has had a bit of a temp so if it’s balanced they can do it. Dylan continues to be a little two legged beam of optimism and is probably having as much of an impact as the meds she has been on. I am filling every available gap in the day with house decorating and activity to stop me falling into an emotional hole. Love to you. X

I’m new to this app, needing to find a place to go and just be real–Honest even through the ugly times.
I just wanted to say I’m happy this thread caught my eye. All of these posts have, I realized, made me so focused on something else that my breathing has gotten a little easier and my racing thoughts have slowed.
It hasn’t been the easiest time lately, tonight hitting me hard. Living with unsupportive family having just moved states and struggling not to get sucked into bad habits, that’s me. Currently on Day 3.
You all are hope on a rainy day!
Nice to meet you all, and good wishes everyone.
Taylor

Also, I do hope you receive great news following your wife’s surgery.

1 Like

Good morning Taylor, it’s lovely to meet you here! I am sorry to hear the waters have been choppy and your support network has been a little umm unsupportive. Also, where in the states have you recently arrived in? I hope that you are able to quickly grow a support network there. Here though it’s lovely to meet you and bloody well done with day 3. Those first three days felt long! You are very welcome to use this thread as a place to empty your brain trash or hang out. Feel free to DM me here if you fancy hanging out sharing story’s or just sharing Spotify or Netflix recommendations. Rooting for you mate. X

1 Like

It’s actually goodnight on my end, I moved to Washington from Alaska. Right before I left I actually completed a treatment program (that disappointnent in myself after the first relapse was such a knife to the gut), and I reached out to my counselor I had there these past few days. He had some good reminders, one being that I just can’t do it alone! I’m really liking this network going on here so far.
Ohhh boy I could give endless recs on music and shows! I have a very eclectic taste, just depends what yours is! To another successful day :tada:

2 Likes

Ah, Washington, Aye carumba that’s a big ass move! With a change like that and sobriety being so fresh I am not surprised you had a wobble. Try not to kick your own head in and use the experience as more ammunition to fuel the engine that drives you away from wobbles like that. Music and TV tastes for me are wide and hungry! We are currently watching a gritty english police drama called Luther with the beautiful Idris Elba in, its very good! Music wise I am really digging a wonky hip hop outfit called Hobo Johnson & The Lovemakers currently. Am always hungry for new music though! Hit me with some recommendations, my ears are open! (i have a boring job so get through acres of playlists on the headphones.) Nite nite!

I’m humbled to hear you say that. “Normies” just don’t understand the inner storm that happens. My friends (now long distance) try, but they just can’t quite relate.

What an interesting chic sound The Lovemakers have! I swung over and listened to a few of Hobo Johnson’s things as well. Personally my repeat button is basically broken on a playlist of Jon Bellion (Guillotine, Woke The F Up) Bryce Vine (Sour Patch Kids, Drew Barrymore) and Whitney (Light Upon The Lake) right now, those are my absolute fav songs but I like most of them. Have you heard of Blue October?
Hope you enjoy them too, make the job a little less boring, for a moment. Music can be a tool to heal the soul :notes::musical_note:

How are you and family Jonathan?

2 Likes

Yes @JonathanMcGrath how are you guys doing? Miss seeing you around!!

1 Like