This was my Bottom

It was a beautiful morning. The windows were open in the house for the first time after a cold winter. I was cleaning (and finishing off a half empty box of Pinot Noir). As the spring cleaning lost its luster, so did the buzz. I left to take the dog to the park…and to get more.

The dog and I had a grand time at the park. She pulled my unbalanced ass over. I found a secluded spot to empty my full bladder. Eventually, the beers I had packed to-go were gone. It was time to go get groceries for dinner (get more beer. more wine. always more.)

I walked through the store inconspicuously dropping shit. Picking out items on impulse. Swerving my cart. Loading the car. Whoa I was buzzed. I cracked one more in the parking lot before I headed home. A moment of clarity in the rear view mirror. Was I too drunk to drive? … nah.

I pulled out carefully. Good music on the radio. Windows down. The warm sunlight chased away every once in a while by the hint of winter breeze. The rest of the drive home/evening comes in flashes of recollection. A text from a friend. Driving a little too fast. Glee. Motorcycles. Pulling in the garage safe and sound. Where is my husband? Sent him a text. Made him a dinner he hated. (It was a drunken concoction) Got pissy with him for no reason. More wine. Tried to play monopoly. Too drunk. Passed out early.

I woke at that wonderful 3am hour with a raging headache and the wine shits. Shit I drove drunk again. Self-hatred surged through my body as sat on the toilet scrolling through Facebook and my phone to see if I needed to do any damage control. That’s when I saw it in a news article on Facebook. Motorcycle crash. Several bikers involved 2 in critical condition. On my path home. Around the same time I was through there. Accident under investigation. Oh fuuu…

I was riddled with anxiety. Did I cause a crash? Why did I have to be such a drunken idiot? I waited for the police to come to my door. They never did.

My mind was consumed with this crash. I work in a hospital and have access to the OR schedule. As luck would have it the bikers were taken to my facility and I was able to see their names. I was able to look up their profiles. I needed more information. There were no updates on the news. I saw her go fund me. There was a description of the accident. Hit and Run. My heart sank. Her bruised and battered face on the screen. Did I do this to you? I had to go home sick. I couldn’t concentrate.

I found myself matching up timelines with the crash. The window of when I was through there was within 30 minutes of the crash. I counted cars at the country intersection to see how many went through there at that time of day. To see how many people could have reported the accident. I was a nervous wreck and thrown into sobriety. How could I drink after what I had done? I kept waiting for the police to knock on my door. Waiting for them to take me from my family. Wondering how long I would be in jail? They never came. I felt torn between turning myself in and waiting to see if I would have to die with this terrible secret. Every one survived thank god. But I had caused serious bodily injury. There was so much on the line.

I kept following her story on the go fund me. The anxiety never went away. A few weeks later an update. The crash was caused by her biker friend. Who was also drunk.

Elation. Relief.

Guess what? I started drinking again that very night. I’m an alcoholic.

388 days sober today though. And life is good.

I hope this story helps someone keep on their path of sobriety. I know it helps me.

42 Likes

Though not yours, alcohol found a way to contribute to the bad outcome for those riders.
Sobering, indeed.

Congratulations on your 388
:+1:

2 Likes

@OhOctober thank you for sharing this. Your story has absolutely blown me away. I was hanging on your every word.
I’m so pleased you’ve finally managed to stop and stay sober. You are an inspiration.

6 Likes

Thank you for sharing your story. X

2 Likes

Wow. That was incredibly intense. Thank you for sharing, that will stick with me.

3 Likes

Thank you for sharing your story. It was a very brave thing to do. Well done on 388 days!

2 Likes

Thank you for sharing your eye opening story and congratulations on your 388 days!

2 Likes

Hell of a story. ‘There but for the grace of God go I’ is something we alcoholics need to remember.

2 Likes

Wow, Holy cow. Congrats on your tremendous number of days being present and alive. :pray:

2 Likes

Thank you for thinking I’m brave. I am very ashamed of this event, which is why it took me well over a year to post it.

1 Like

We have all done things that we are ashamed of. Your rock bottom was brutal. And, like someone else said, “There but for the grace…” You have 388+ days sober. That is something to be proud of. :green_heart:

2 Likes

Thank you for sharing that very intimate story. Please write more. Just write. You have a special way with words.

3 Likes

Intense! Just intense. I think “almosts” are powerful. You were almost in a life-changing, deadly event. It made all the difference! I compare it to my boys when little. I would tell them not to do something, they would do it, and almost get hurt. As a mother I didn’t want them to truly get hurt in order to learn the lesson. But the “almost” worked well!

1 Like

Absolutely blown away. Beyond scary how your life could have been hanging on the line because of booze and no self control.
Glad you’re ok and them as well.
Deff made a huge decision to go clean.
Good job!

1 Like

That was gripping. What a terrifying time for you. Incredibly well written. Thank you.

1 Like

Very intense story. Thanks for sharing and congrats on 388 days.
How did you celebrate your 1 year milestone?

1 Like

Congrats on the 388 days @OhOctober. Thanks for the share. Intense stuff. And nice to see you @figgie!

1 Like

Very glad you’re alive and that you’re recovery has come so far! I feel a lot of reality reading this as I was coaxed into driving drunk by my ex best friend and I shattered my C5 Vertebrae and she had some busted ribs and a broken knee. She charged me for it and I owe ICBC $106, 481.00 and can’t drive anymore.
I could’ve been paralyzed and unable to speak at all. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and can walk and talk so I’m thankful I can still take care of my kids and live on my own :house_with_garden::pray:t4::confounded::cry: thank you for sharing and the reminder of how good Gods grace is to save us :pray:t4::heart::raised_hands::cry::house_with_garden:

1 Like

I got a tattoo :slight_smile: it’s a version of the yin yang. Life is balance.

2 Likes

Oh wow. I’m so sorry to hear that. Things will get better. Sending healing thoughts your way. But there are silver linings. As my story could have been worse, yours could have too. Hold on tight to your family.

1 Like