It was a beautiful morning. The windows were open in the house for the first time after a cold winter. I was cleaning (and finishing off a half empty box of Pinot Noir). As the spring cleaning lost its luster, so did the buzz. I left to take the dog to the park…and to get more.
The dog and I had a grand time at the park. She pulled my unbalanced ass over. I found a secluded spot to empty my full bladder. Eventually, the beers I had packed to-go were gone. It was time to go get groceries for dinner (get more beer. more wine. always more.)
I walked through the store inconspicuously dropping shit. Picking out items on impulse. Swerving my cart. Loading the car. Whoa I was buzzed. I cracked one more in the parking lot before I headed home. A moment of clarity in the rear view mirror. Was I too drunk to drive? … nah.
I pulled out carefully. Good music on the radio. Windows down. The warm sunlight chased away every once in a while by the hint of winter breeze. The rest of the drive home/evening comes in flashes of recollection. A text from a friend. Driving a little too fast. Glee. Motorcycles. Pulling in the garage safe and sound. Where is my husband? Sent him a text. Made him a dinner he hated. (It was a drunken concoction) Got pissy with him for no reason. More wine. Tried to play monopoly. Too drunk. Passed out early.
I woke at that wonderful 3am hour with a raging headache and the wine shits. Shit I drove drunk again. Self-hatred surged through my body as sat on the toilet scrolling through Facebook and my phone to see if I needed to do any damage control. That’s when I saw it in a news article on Facebook. Motorcycle crash. Several bikers involved 2 in critical condition. On my path home. Around the same time I was through there. Accident under investigation. Oh fuuu…
I was riddled with anxiety. Did I cause a crash? Why did I have to be such a drunken idiot? I waited for the police to come to my door. They never did.
My mind was consumed with this crash. I work in a hospital and have access to the OR schedule. As luck would have it the bikers were taken to my facility and I was able to see their names. I was able to look up their profiles. I needed more information. There were no updates on the news. I saw her go fund me. There was a description of the accident. Hit and Run. My heart sank. Her bruised and battered face on the screen. Did I do this to you? I had to go home sick. I couldn’t concentrate.
I found myself matching up timelines with the crash. The window of when I was through there was within 30 minutes of the crash. I counted cars at the country intersection to see how many went through there at that time of day. To see how many people could have reported the accident. I was a nervous wreck and thrown into sobriety. How could I drink after what I had done? I kept waiting for the police to knock on my door. Waiting for them to take me from my family. Wondering how long I would be in jail? They never came. I felt torn between turning myself in and waiting to see if I would have to die with this terrible secret. Every one survived thank god. But I had caused serious bodily injury. There was so much on the line.
I kept following her story on the go fund me. The anxiety never went away. A few weeks later an update. The crash was caused by her biker friend. Who was also drunk.
Elation. Relief.
Guess what? I started drinking again that very night. I’m an alcoholic.
388 days sober today though. And life is good.
I hope this story helps someone keep on their path of sobriety. I know it helps me.