This is continued from a PM I sent regarding relapses. I don’t think we should treat them like a normal thing. And it’s really draining to see people coming back all the time with smiley faces and rah rah cheerleader stuff. This isn’t a game for me. I was ready to throw myself off a goddamn bridge after my last relapse. I had it planned even. It’s only by God’s grace that I didn’t.
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While I love the support on the forum, it is draining to watch it happen over and over again.
The “relapse is part of the process” saying is garbage. Relapse is part of the not growing and leaning on old habits and coping mechanisms.
I typically avoid relapse posts, because I don’t have much to say about them as I’m not the type to pat you on the back and say chin up. I stay out of the seeking help section because I know when I was using, it was all in 1 ear and out the other.
If I relapse, there’s a solid chance I kill myself, I kill people around me, I go to jail, I lose my kids again, I become homeless and the list goes on and on. So I don’t pick up no matter what.
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Thanks for sharing this Derek. My relapse put the fear of god into me, thankfully. But I live in constant fear of that possibility again. Christ I dreamt it last night. Which is why I throw everything in my arsenal at my addiction. I can NEVER go back.
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Thinking of relapsing brings me to tears bc I know it will kill me. Or I will kill myself.
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Thanks for posting this. I personally benefit a lot from tough love. I would go whine to my sponsor sometimes and he’d basically tell me to stop and get my shit together.
I too was ready to take my own life back in December, I was so desperate to stop.
Yesterday was a tough day and I shared with my wife when she got home from work. She was really upset with me that I let myself get to that brink of losing my sobriety. Had I given in, I’m not sure I would have a home right now.
We truly are fighting for our lives.
I try to be supportive of folks that I don’t know very well. I don’t know what works for them and what they need to hear. I generally try to go halfway and thank them for sharing but also tell some small part of my story to scare them a little. Idk, maybe that’s wrong of me and my manipulative tendencies are showing…
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I agree. I’m so personally frustrated with these addictions and never want to go back. I hate the hold they have on people. What’s the secret to success? I wish it was a one size fits all solution.
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I didn’t think I would respond well to tough love. When I first joined TS, I read some responses and thought they were a little harsh and they weren’t even geared towards me. However I QUICKLY checked my ego and realized those responses were necessary. And instead of resisting the advice, it would be much better to just take it in.
I could see the push and pull between a relapser and someone with sober time under their belt, it is an interesting dynamic. I feel the people that give tough love on TS are truly coming from a place of “been there done that, here’s how to do it better for yourself”.
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Good message here. Something I needed to hear…
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Then don’t relapse.
Addiction isn’t a “normal thing”, so “relapsing” is not a “normal thing”. When you get to the point where “never again” really means “never again”, being clean and sober becomes part of who you are. Sober becomes your “normal”.
Look, I don’t want to shout this from the rooftops, but sobriety has become “easy” for me. I’m not saying that sobriety is “easy”. It’s not. What I can say is I’ve learned to do it well enough that it takes little effort to maintain. But it does take effort. More so, it takes WILL.
A beginner struggles. They make lots of mistakes. With effort and experience, mastery can be attained. A master can do easily, what the beginner struggles with. The difference is in the perspective. I had to eat more than a few punches before I learned to block, slip, bob and weave. I learned that I don’t like getting hit in the face, so I worked to make my face harder to hit. But in order for this to happen, I had to get punched good a few times. For some, one or two good punches is all it takes, others have to get hit a few more times. Hopefully, they learn the lesson before getting KTFO.
I try to remember this when I read a relapse post. Yes, it should be cause for concern, primarily on the part of the person who relapsed. When I decided to quit in December 2016, I had one punch in the face that I needed to take, and it came in January 2017. Took me 11 months to shake that punch off. Now, I keep my hands up, chin tucked, and I slip and roll, bob & weave, every day. I’m pretty good at it now. I can see the punches coming, anticipate them even and react appropriately.
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Great post. Im glad you and everybody else is still here and sober!!
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When I got back to rehab my counselor looked me dead in the face and went. “What happened? How did you fuck up” or something similar. To this day I love that man for telling me exactly what I needed to hear.
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I think people who normalize relapsing are those who aren’t ready for a 100% commitment to their sobriety journey, so they feel less guilty when they relapse because “everyone” does and it’s just part of the process.
I don’t want to relapse, ever. I also don’t set myself up for failure by “testing” myself to see if I can handle situations that I would normally fail in. 
I know everyone is on their own journey, but I think it’s pretty easy to see who takes this process more seriously than others.
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Thank you for this post!! This is my first time in recovery, first time in treatment and hearing the relapse rate scares the shit out of me. 98%?! I understand it’s important to know to have a relapse plan but shit I don’t want to fail! Relapse is truly life or death for many and sometimes we forget the severity of the disease when we normalize relapse. I really appreciate you making a point of how serious it is. Recovery isn’t just a great way of life it’s keeping you from death.
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Agreed, relapse should definitely not be treated as a normal part of recovery.
True, after almost 100 days I succumbed to the pride and thought I had this in the bag. When I left wilmington, I thought I could leave my recovery literature at home because it wasn’t “essential”.
I contemplated lying about my sobriety and just carrying on like it never happened.
I take full responsibility for my relapse but I will not take on the shame. Shame is what keeps the cycle going, what keeps the secrets hidden. I understand that this post is not about shaming but I have to explain that because I try to support relapse with encouragement and cheerleading because I know how easy it is for addicts to succumb to self hate and self destruction. I think maybe it is good to have both; the tough love and the softer encouragement to take the edge off.
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This, all of this! I’ve quit before, but never as a permanent thing. I didn’t fail in those attempts because I reached my goal and went forward from there. Do I wish I had made better goals back then? Not sure. I don’t know of I’d be as successful this time around, my first true attempt at getting and staying clean, if I didn’t go through the things I went through before. But I too sometimes feel like I’m not really “one of the crew.” Not that any single person has made me feel this way here. I’ve definately been through the devastating reality of thinking I could moderate or control my drinking and use only to completely fuck my life up.
But yeah, I don’t know. If I accepted that relapse is a part of MY recovery, I’d do it just because I “could.”
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So decide to be part of the 2%. I think it would be awesome if you were one of those rare souls who get it right the first time. You know it can be done. Now be the one to do it!
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You had a fair amount of time, you weren’t a constant relapser and you’ve been in the sober life for some time.
In essence, you have my respect so I made the effort man. Glad I could help, even if I didn’t know how to stop the slide.
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I fell into the relapse crowd and because people were posting that they had done it too, in my head it was like “oh ok this is normal, everyone relapses” it took a traumatic event and trying to take my own life by overdosing that I woke up and realised that I can not relapse ever. @Englishd I remember you clearly pointing out to me that I hadn’t hit rock bottom before the event happened and you were straight to the point, and hate to inflate your ego by saying that you were right. I need people to be completely Blunt with me,
I’m 54 days sober, when I spoke to my husband and tried praising myself for this, saying that I have done good, he replied you think you done good? That made me think about what he was getting at, basically don’t get complacent 54 days is still just the start of my journey and still have a lifetime to go, the relapsed again, and again and again posts personally did not help me because it was normalised in the community. A Blunt and direct approach helps and if you are offended by the reaction you aren’t fully committed to the recovery, just my opinion
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Relapsing is certainly serious and hard on people’s all important “self-trust” - something I have been reading up on.
The thing is everyone here is different. If I relapsed I would go back to drinking 5-6 drinks a week and the occasional binge when I was in a bad mood. My life would be crappier but I wouldn’t die. A lot of relapsers are in the “wouldn’t die” area too. Now I have decided not to relapse at all out of respect for my relationship with a guy who has a more extreme form of relapse. I am also terrified of cancer. I want to avoid as many cancer factors as possible. So I just don’t do it.
I think most people respond better to encouragement though. I also do see people asking the tough questions in with the encouragement. The poster is usually asked what they are going to do differently for example. I am not sure what you are suggesting we should say instead?
Most of us are addictive personalities and need a little reminder of the long game. We also need to rebuild self trust at that crucial moment. So “Hope is better than fear”
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There are so many sayings that should not be taken literally. Relapse is part of recovery is one.
It’s like falling off a bike. It’s normal. Often mostly harmless or with minimal injuries. However it can kill. 4 people in my city died yesterday on bikes. Probably a similar number overdosed. So we try not to do it right?
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