Time heals all **A long vent/rant** advice welcome

I’ve been sober for 39 days. My life came to a screeching halt after a night of too much drinking where I had blacked out and made some serious damages to the people closest to me. I had to make some hard decisions because I always thought I was in control. I lived a double life of being a normal and functioning person by day to being an aggressive emotional drunk by night in order to “cope” with life, until I simply couldn’t keep up the facade anymore.

Around the time that I chose to get sober I also decided to split with my partner of 5 years in order to focus on myself. They were the longest, most loving and caring relationship I’ve had and I was having extreme doubts about my choice. But I know myself, I’m a push over, I’m a people pleaser, and I reaaally care about what people think about me. I had to do this for myself, by myself. They asked if they could help me, it didn’t matter how, they just wanted to be there for me. So much of my self worth depends on others that I had to reject them, I had to find myself and my self worth before being in a relationship again. I asked them to please not distance themselves from me, I wasn’t breaking up with them due to their shortcomings, but for my own. I wanted to come back to them stronger and better than ever. I wanted to know I could hold myself accountable out of love and respect for myself and not because I promised someone I’d get better.

Well, from those 39 days it’s been about 35
days since we’ve last communicated. I sent a voice note that had no reply. My birthday came and went and nothing was said. They even deactivated all social media and fell off the face of the planet… I’ve been feeling decently steady and am trying to think logically through this breakup and it’s worked so far, but it’s definitely hit a nerve that they’ve been radio silent. I feel sort of abandoned.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping alone, I usually go with a family member, and I felt so tempted to grab my favorite bottle of wine, hide it in my purse, bring it home and drink my sorrows away late a night while my family was asleep. But I didn’t. I walked out of that store with only the essentials and went home to eat a hearty dinner, something I wouldn’t have done had I decided to drink. I was up today without a hangover or feeling gross and malnourished, and I feel thankful for that. I didn’t come this far to only get this far.

*Edit: How did you guys deal with break ups and sobriety?

Stay strong and be kind to yourselves, friends. The only way out is through.

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Welcome to the community, perhaps your partner is a bit hurt and is trying to protect themselves by having no contact with you as it would just hurt too much. I only say this as from what you have written it sounds like you would like to get back with them when you have reached a certain level or time within your sobriety which leads me to believe that you had a really good relationship so perhaps the split came as a surprise out of the blue to him/her. I could be way off the mark there though so feel free to tell me to shut up! :joy::joy:
Well done on your sober time and a quick word to the wise–very few of us can do tjis thing alone,please take all help and support from where you can. :+1::slight_smile:

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No you’re completely right lol. Like I said, I lived this sort of double life and they weren’t fully aware of how bad it was. We had had some arguments leading up to the break up and I tried to make it clear it was about me, not them (seriously) but who knows how they are interpretating it. I know they’re hurting and that’s what makes this suck even more, they were never one to be vocal about their feelings and always “shut off” when something was too much for them. We both need space and time and it’s just hard, you know? I’m taking in all of the support my family has given me and will eventually pair it up with therapy. Thank you :slightly_smiling_face:

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Outside of the emotional side of things, I am doing well thankfully. I’m working on the whole being grateful and present in my day to day life and am seeking therapy for my long term sobriety/mental health but it’s proven difficult due to the ongoing pandemic. I’m glad I’m going through this while the world is sort of on pause, the Lord knows I would’ve slipped up just to keep up the pace.

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I know what you mean about it being hard but imo I think that you,'ve made a smart move in tackling this as a single person. In AS and other such twelve step groups it is suggested that one doesn,t enter in to a relationship until they have a goo twelve months of continuous sobriety,I know that you were already in that relationship but it applies in a similar manner. Reach out whenever you need to bud, your not alone In this. We all understand the battle! :+1::slight_smile:

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I’m not really sure how much you’re just wanting to vent, or if you want comments on what you wrote, so I’m going stick with just welcoming you here and congratulating you on your 39 days. I hope you find what you need here.

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Any and all comments are welcome. I mainly wrote it to get it out of my system, since I felt a mix of sadness and pride. But thank you, I’ve benefited greatly from reading this forum

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How are you doing @Fem? :slight_smile:

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If I had kept drinking, I would have likely had to deal with a breakup…a marriage. But I quit, and we are stronger than ever.

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I saw your message and took time to answer because I didn’t want to be dishonest. I’m not doing well. The break-up I talked about in my post was solidified and some harsh truths were brought to light. I had to restart my sobriety clock but it’s not for nothing. I’m going to allow myself one day to wallow in self pity and then start new tomorrow. I appreciate your concerns.

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Mine was only a long term relationship, not a marriage. I’m happy to know you guys have stuck through it and I wish you nothing but the best.

If I had kept drinking I would’ve kept on going in a relationship that wasn’t the right fit for me. I now know my feelings are valid and require some upkeep and tending to from my partner, and most importantly myself.

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