Tips for deescalating parental anger

Yeah, I’m looking for an alternative to that. It’s not to say that I haven’t considered it.

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I figured someone wouldnt agree. My son has seen therapists for his anger. Its prob bc he comes from a broken home and his father doesnt discipline him at all so I’m forced to be mother and father. Spanking worked for me. Sorry not sorry.

My son goes to a child study center for his behavior. I have been 100% honest with his therapist that I spank him. Even sometimes with a belt, not often though. Only when I need to. But, his progress reports from school have progressed bc of the discipline that I use with my kids.

If it’s not abusive and working for you that’s fine. I meant its a bad idea if controlling anger is a problem for the parent.

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Oh yes I’m not knocking you. I understand 100%. Conrtolling anger was an issue until I stepped in and had to control it myself.

I’m legitimately curious what you seek to accomplish by hitting your child, especially with a belt? I ask because this a question my son asked me when he was little, like mom I get that I was bad but why do you hit me, what does it really do? That was eye opening for me as I didn’t have good answers when I thought about it other than thats how we were raised and that was the last time he ever got spanked. He was around age 5.

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First of all, I’m not HITTING my child. I am spanking him with a belt on his behind. I dont use it anywhere else on his body so let’s get that straight since it seems like you want to make me out as a child abuser and I am not. So let’s get that straight. Second of all it has worked for me and has made him realize that if he doesnt straighten his act up then the belt will always be a go to, if need be of course. So dont you dare come at me making it seem that I HIT my child bc I do not hit anyone. You need to check yourself.

Hi Alicia, I really think Mandi is just curious on your take of seeing things through the child’s eyes. Mandi seems to be coming from a place where she did something and didn’t reflect on it at the time when her son was young… Now her son is 17 and is able to speak to her in a more level headed way and kinda asked her about something she hadn’t thought about. I think she was just expressing this question to you as well.

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I don’t look at it as hitting as much as it disciplining. My husband was whooped with a belt as a child but that’s also bc he’s a boy. His sister never got the belt, neither have I. But when your ex husband doesnt take any initiative to discipline your only son then you would go to drastic measures to make sure they dont grow up to be a thug. She should ask her son if he ever felt that if she had never whooped him if he thinks his life would have turned out differently such as being a little bad ass and so on. My current husband thanks his parents for the way they were disciplined and I use that method, only on occasion, to get my point across and it has worked for me. I refuse for my son to grow up to be anything like his bio father and if that means whooping him when need be then so be it.

This clearly is a touchy subject and I apologize that I apparently touched a nerve because I was asking a legitimate question. I’ll “check myself” and leave this all alone because I feel nothing constructive coming from talking about it.

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I deescalate issues with my children by seeing things through their eyes. My kids don’t have any behavioural or anger problems above the norm, imo they are very normal kids. So I understand others have different ways of parenting.

My kids get overly upset when they can’t express themselves properly, or they’re overly stimulated, overly tired, overly hungry. Like @C-sun said, I try to think about the hours leading up to the breakdown vs just RIGHT NOW. I remind myself that they’re kids and don’t have the problem solving skills or the rational thinking of adults. And the only way they’ll learn is by example.

“Being right” also is a tough one, my ego tells me that “no kid is going to talk back to me” and 'there’s no way they’re getting their way now, not after THAT!" but usually when I let that chip on my shoulder go, there’s a middle ground I can find. And things are calm.

If all else fails, ignoring, distracting or just moving on help.

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My ego has a hard time with that righteousness vs. happiness battle. I want him to be curious and to question authority. I’m just driven to the brink of collapse by his stubbornness. It’s an opportunity to grow and I need to address it with positive action. Once again, just looking for a reliable place to seek a solution.

Venting helps a bit too.

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Vent away!! I totally understand. Also can you and your wife kinda tag team him,? When I know I’m too stressed to be rational and patient, I ask my husband to take over (lovingly) in a calm and reasonable manner. And I go in another room.

When I realize my kids are just a reflection of me, and their hardest to handle qualities for me are also what I deal with on the regular within myself, it helps me understand that they are developing and growing every day. Just like I’m trying to do.

I dunno, kids are weird man lol

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I apologize for responding in anger. It just kind of shocked me when you asked why I thought hitting was necessary when I dont hit my kids at all. Everyone disciplines in their own way and what may work in my household, may not work in yours. But I can promise you my children will not grow up to be jackasses, not that I’m saying your son is. I’m just terrified of my son growing up to be a narcissistic asshole like his father.

Yep, I know it’s wonderful and super challenging work. Pound for pound, his 38 lb frame can bring me to my knees or get under my skin like no other. In the same breath, I admire that little stinker for his tenacity.

My wife and I did employ that strategy. But more by implementing it after my snap. I have been very apologetic and thankful since.

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It’s ok if you lose your mind every once in awhile. We are all human. Dont beat yourself up over it. Glad you and your wife are on the same path. Unfortunately my husband wont spank his step children so I’m the one left to discipline. It’s hard. It’s super hard doing it alone.

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As you know you can’t change the past. Just work on being a little better the next time you sense a breakdown coming.

Also, (sorry so many lol) I really think about what I’m saying to my kids when I’m telling them “no”. What am I saying no to and why? Is it because it will make things more difficult for me? Am I being lazy? Is it a reasonable request? So I tend to avoid outright saying no to things that could be negotiable. I like to give options so they feel they’re more in control of themselves. Finding a middle ground to a problem is a great tool that will last a life time.

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Sorry that you and your ex aren’t on the same page. Have you talked to him about it? Or why he feels that spanking isn’t necessary? Does your son’s therapist know you hit him with a belt? If the goal isn’t to inflict pain, why is the belt needed?
I think it’s important to differentiate between discipline styles that you and your ex have and irresponsible parenting and the resentments that might exist between you. Sometimes we can resent our kids because of the qualities we see in them from our partners/exes. Obviously I don’t know you and I don’t know your ex. We’re all just here trying to help each other through problems we’ve become familiar with.

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Oh we are definitely not on the same page and yes my sons therapist at the child study center knows I whoop him with a belt. It’s only been 3x that I’ve used it. But after each time my son has straightened up. His therapist agrees with my parenting bc his father doesnt parent him at all. Hes more of a friend than a father to our kids and no I dont whoop my son bc I’m afraid he has his fathers traits. I’m disciplining him now at a young age so he knows that acting out will never be the answer.

The goal is to never inflict pain, but more of a scare tactic bc my kids will respect me, they will go to school and respect their teachers and their peers. I’ve tried the talking gesture for years, it wasnt until last summer that I brought out the belt and it has worked wonders with my sons attitude. I even leave the belt on top of his door so he knows that mommy isnt playing with him. People forget that we arent their friends, we are their parents and I know my way may seem harsh, but it has shown results and I’m not afraid to stand up for how I discipline my kids.